“He called himself a man-whore,” my friend said, her eyes burdened from the knowledge, sadness all over her face. “I feel like a failure.” She continued. “He watches porn, the hardcore stuff, and I don’t know how to deal with it.” These words are hard enough to hear from someone I care about; they are even more poignant considering that the man she is talking about his her teenage son.
Before anyone jump on the judgment wagon and point the fingers at the parents of this young man, please know this: he comes from a solid family who love him very much, and they have gone to great lengths to give him a joyous, loving childhood. They've taught him right from wrong. This isn’t a matter of parental dereliction; this is another story of a boy with a hole in his heart too big to fill. How it got there is also irrelevant (and something I am not at liberty to tell). The bottom line is this. Despite the best intentions, this young man has turned to the number one addition: sex.
I know I am not alone when I say that we fail our children when we give them insufficient ways to related to their developing sexuality. When the message is either/or – no sex vs. indiscriminate sex with indiscriminate partners – there is no room to find that path of loving moderation in the middle.
A parent can’t teach this alone. Nor can schools, churches, synagogues or community centers. Our kids are subject to influences way beyond the reach of those who know best and want to help them grow to be strong and loving adults. The same young man in question isn’t just watching porn on his own; he also describes rampant alcohol use and extreme promiscuity among his peers. He’s not alone. I hear and read similar things all the time. Just recently, another friend in the event-planning industry was at the Bar Mitzvah for the son of a prominent local family. The hundred or so young adolescents attending this party were simulating sex on the dance floor with one another. In her words, “it was a massive dry hump between the boys and the girls, and not one parent was aware of it.”
I don’t have the answers. I just have a very strong sense that we need to recapture the narrative and teach our children about intimacy and respect. Protection is one answer: Sarah Estrella provides good information in her column on the topic of protecting children from porn. With our children caught between being over-sexualized or shamed about sex all together, Modern Love wonders: where is that place between promiscuity and prudishness? Tell me what you think in the comment section.
If you liked this column, read:
Jon and Kate and the Octomom and the ugly truth of reality TV
Governor Sanford and family values: children still need to be raised when the parents stumble
Filmmaker Shalene Azam makes teen documentary: Oral sex is the new good night kiss
Follow me on twitter: ModernLoveWritr. Send email questions/comments to tmbsdre@yahoo.com.
All Modern Love Examiner articles ©2009 by Tinamarie Bernard; reposts permitted with link back to original article. All other rights reserved.
Comments
It's not Prudishness, it's called MORALITY.
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