I was thirteen years old. I was in my bedroom with the door open. I could hear my mother moving about in the house. I was trying hard to hear what she was saying. My heart began to beat rapidly and I began to sweat. Amid my racing thoughts, I tried to figure out if she would be taking my sister with her. If so what could I say or do to stop her. I knew in my head I would have to stop doing this to myself. All the chaos inside of me each time I thought I would be left alone with him. I was not even sure if it mattered anymore whether my sister was home or not. ....She was leaving. I still did not know if my sister was going with her. I quietly shut the door and I put a chair underneath the door knob. I tried to go to sleep. Maybe when I would awake, Mom would have returned. My body and my mind was working against me, racing and sweating and sweating and racing. If only I could fall asleep. I could not. I would not, for fear he should come in and then.....Just when I was convinced that maybe he occupied himself with something else, anything else, or maybe he would himself leave or fall asleep - fat chance - I thought I heard something at the door. It started out low, so that I was not sure. I was "micro- alert", and then I heard it again, and I could see the door moving. He would not be able to get in....I hope, I pray but I was not moving. I was paralyzed in fear. "What are you doing", he asks. I am not moving but I am not saying anything either. My heart is pounding now so hard, surely, truly, this is the one time that I have feared; and I shall surely have a heart attack and die or else I shall have to kill him.
I am looking around for something, an object, but I cannot remember where I put that metal emery board, but what else can I use. He is steadily knocking at the door. He is telling me to open the door. He is knocking on the door and it is getting louder and louder until finally it stops. He is no longer knocking and threatening me to unlock the door and telling me he just wants to talk to me. Maybe he believes I am asleep because I have not spoken. Oh my God, what do I do now.....I work up enough nerve to venture over to the door and I wait, my heart still racing but not as much. I tried to breathe quietly, in case he is still there and can hear me. Please God, let him not be there. Maybe I can run to the neighbors or outside, if he is not there just until Mom returns. I am reaching for the door knob, when he hears me moving inside the room. He knows that I am awake. Oh No! The door is moving now, violently and so suddenly, he is inside.
I feel like I am going to cry but I do not dare and allow him the satisfaction. I feel the fear inside of me becoming rage. He is strong. The only place I have room to run is across the bed. He has me cornered. I am not quick enough. Surely this is what he had promised me. That he would impregnate me and then we would run away together and be married and there was nothing that my mother could do about it. My fear, my confusion, my sweat, my racing heart is growing inside of me. Unexpectedly it grows until it is a great big ball of rage. I have somehow forced him from on top of me and I am standing there with a bottle of opened finger nail polish remover and I am threatening him. He has me down again and the polish remover has spilled but not on him and I remember thinking that when this is over I will have to clean up the mess....Something inside of me is spilling out, something I have never heard before from deep inside of me. It is a scream that is getting louder and louder and I am full of rage and I am kicking and I am screaming and I am threatening to tell; and I know the neighbors will hear me. He believes me. Never have I been like this before. Perhaps he does believe that someone will hear me or maybe he just thinks that Mom will perhaps return and see this. "Okay!" "Okay!” he seems to say. He reiterates a familiar phrase letting me know that maybe I really am crazy. He laughs but I have beaten him. I have never stood up for anyone before like this not even for my sister. For now, I have defeated him. I feel powerful but afraid.....Until next time.....that is what I was thinking. We will really have to get away now because surely he will return sometime and then I do not know if he shall kill me or take me away, killing my family and it will be all my fault because I could not stop him. I do not want to have a baby and runaway. I think I shall have to run away or someone will die. Maybe him, maybe me, or maybe someone else.