Dear Debbie,
I'm a single mom with a 4-year-old son. I've been dating my boyfriend for several months and we have decided to get married. I'd like to know how to introduce my future husband to my son with as little friction as possible. Do you have any tips?
Second Chance in Chicago
Hi Second Chance,
First of all, congratulations! Being thoughtful now about the first few encounters will help lay the foundation for how the three of you operate as a family in the future. The first thing I'd like to suggest is really looking at the relationship with this man you plan to marry. Have you had enough time together to experience the reality of conflict? More importantly, do you have healthy ways in place to resolve that conflict? Think about the kind of relationships you would like your son to have with future partners. Are you in a position to set an example of what an emotionally healthy relationship looks like for your son? If yes, then read on.
At four years of age, your son will basically look to you on how to relate to someone new. If he senses from you that this man is someone to be loved and trusted, he will follow your lead. Children have a great way of being open minded and trusting. It then becomes our responsibility to screen whom we put in front of them.
When you are ready for the introduction, you can tell your son that you would like him to meet someone who is important to you. Answer any questions he may have and encourage him to talk to you. Talking to your future husband about what a four-year-old boy likes and dislikes might be helpful, especially if he does not have children of his own. Choose an activity that is not too lengthy in time but is fun for everyone. Playing miniature golf, going to an indoor game room, or visiting a park or beach might be fun first meeting activities.
After that first exchange speak to both your son and future husband separately to assess how each of them perceived the outing. If your future husband is not used to children it might be helpful to ask him specific questions about what he thought about your son. When speaking to your son, answer any questions he might have. To further the relationship, you may want to include him in planning the next activity the three of you do.
When you feel you are ready to talk to your son about specific wedding plans, do so together. You are not only bringing a man into your son's life as your husband, you are also bringing in a father figure for him. Your son seeing the two of you as a unified front will help him understand the roles each of you have in your new family dynamic.
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