Q & A
Question:
I’m a ex-client of yours living in Denver, and you have helped me immensely. But I have a new issue that seems kind of silly. In the past year, I've learned that three of my friends are having affairs. They've all got incredibly great husbands, who will give anything to these women, in my opinion. Here I am single and wishing I had a husband like theirs. Every one of these women seem to feel sorry for themselves, saying they're hurting.
One girlfriend in particular is now involving her husband, the man she's fooling around with, and the guy's live in girlfriend in weekend skiing adventures. She also seems to have lost all compassion for other people as everything is about her. A few weeks ago, when she told me she was upset that her affair's girlfriend doesn't seem to like her, I literally gagged and got off the phone. What does she expect?
My other girlfriend dominates our "book club" with conversations about her affair. The women couldn't take it any more, especially since many of the women in it are divorced because their husbands cheated.
These women are so inconsiderate, and it’s so emotionally draining carrying this load around. This goes against everything I believe in. Why do these women do this? Especially when they have great husbands? Should I stop being friends with them? Any insight?
Answer:
Women (& men) cheat for a variety of reasons. Often they’re from families whose parents cheated, so it doesn’t seem out of the ordinary for them. Some just like the thrill of it all. Some people got married too young and stay for the money or because of the children when they shouldn’t,, so they cheat. Your friend sounds like she has issues with her husband that she hasn’t addressed, and she now uses that as an excuse to cheat. This is very common.
If you continue to be friends with these women, you need to set some boundaries with them, i.e. “I don’t want to judge you, but you know I don’t agree with what you are doing. I believe that when people are unhappy in a relationship, they should divorce instead of cheat. So, I don’t really want to hear about your cheating. We can still be friends, but please don’t share this part of your life with me.” At the point, either she will back off from telling you about it OR back off from you since you aren’t being supportive (really enabling).
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