Struggles for social change and in personal relationships are more often between “old and new’ than between “me and you,” and have the potential to take us from dark to light, like Ebeenezer Scrooge, or dark to darker, like Darth Vader. “Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that,” said Dr. Martin Luther King, encouraging oppressed people to think beyond their hurt and anger over manifest injustice so that they could play a larger role in reshaping the world. “The arc of the moral universe is long,” he said, “but it bends toward justice,” which had to have been very difficult for the black community to even imagine at the time. February is Black History Month, and an opportunity to reflect upon Dr. King's unconventional and seemingly counter-intuitive approach to oppression and injustice and apply it to our daily interactions at home and work. He spoke stirringly about peoples' real and immediate suffering while inspiring them to work toward change they might never see in their own lifetime. He communicated with clarity and force about long-standing wrongs while encouraging civil, collective movement toward a new way of thinking for all of society. "Every man must decide whether he will walk in the light of creative altruism," he said, "or in the darkness of destructive selfishness."
Intimate partnerships and family life are a mini-society in that both are created by intricate weaving of our actions and choices with those of others. Both contain the energy to support or block the pursuit of our dreams and realization of our better selves. The nature of interdependency is a balance of benefits - psychological safety, support, and life satisfaction, according to numerous studies – and sources of conflict. Our need to be right can interfere with respect for others. Our need for power – or simply the fear that someone else will take advantage of our vulnerability - locks us into battle-ready positions from which we will tend to perceive any disagreement or disapproval as a threat. An underlying fear of loss can turn normal differences of opinion into pitched battles for control
As the Civil Rights movement demonstrated, the seeds of transformation are sown through conflict. Dr. King's visionary approach seeks to transform and uplift the whole rather than satisfy resentments, which is probably why we may feel tremendous resistance to applying it in real time. We may have grown comfortable staying small, feel safe in woundedness that justifies indulging the “inner wimp” always ready to run or the “inner warrior” always ready to rumble. Our every choice, preference, mood and craving intersects with the lives of the people closest to us, and it is far easier to spot the negative effects of others’ behavior or the inconvenience of others’ preferences than to see the impact our own idiosyncrasies and choices have on others. But small shifts in our attitudes can make large differences. Simply opening our awareness to what others experience as a consequence of our actions can generate good will in a relationship. Respectful communication, especially in disagreements about hot-button issues, pays off in the ability to come up with long-term strategies when ‘live-and-let-live” is the only solution. And we don’t have to be some sort of “relationship genius” to do this, although it helps to want a transformed relationship more than we want to “win.”“Everybody can be great because anybody can serve,” according to Dr. King. “You don't have to have a college degree to serve. You don't have to make your subject and verb agree to serve... You only need a heart full of grace. A soul generated by love.”
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