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Celebrate today with this Irish humor

Happy St. Patrick's Day, whether or not you're Irish!  It really doesn't matter.  Here are a few Irish limericks, one-liners, jokes, and blessings that I thought might tickle your funnybone! You can share them with others in the spirit of St. Patrick’s Day, no matter where you're from.  May the luck of the Irish be with you today!

Limericks:

Archimedes, the well known truth-seeker,
Jumped out of his bath, cried “Eureka!”
He ran half a mile
Wearing only a smile
And became the very first streaker.

There once was an old man of Lyme
Who married three wives at a time.
When asked, “Why a third?”
He replied, “One's absurd!
And bigamy, sir, is a crime.”

One liners:

A true Irishman considers a bore to be someone who keeps constantly interrupting.

A true Irishman has so much respect for the truth that he only uses it in emergencies.

Irish Jokes:

The three elderly Gallagher sisters have never married, they go everywhere together and they are all hard of hearing. One windy Spring day as they are walking down the streets of Dublin…

Mary Elizabeth says, "Whew, it is sure windy today."

Molly replies, "No, no. Today is Thursday."

Kathleen says, "So am I. Let's find a bar!

*****
O'Connell was staggering home with a small Paddy in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg.

"Please, God," he implored, "let it be blood!"

*******

A grumpy old curmudgeon of a man enters the parish office of the Holy Rosary Catholic Church, immediately spots the office secretary and says to her, "I want to join this damn church."

“I beg your pardon, sir,” the astonished secretary replies. “I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?”

“Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!”

“I'm very sorry sir, but vile language is not tolerated at the Holy Rosary Church.”

The secretary leaves her desk to find the pastor. In the pastor's study she informs Father O’Reilly of her foul mouthed visitor. The pastor agrees that the secretary should not have to listen to such foul language.

They both return to front office and Father O’Reilly asks, “Sir, what seems to be the problem here?”

“There is no damn problem!” the curmudgeon says. “I just won $200 million in the damn lottery, and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money.”

“I see,” says the priest. “And is this woman giving you a hard time?”

Irish Blessing:

May the road rise to meet you.
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face.
May the rains fall soft upon your fields
And, until we meet again,
May God rest you in the palm of His hand.


Here’s living proof that everyone’s Irish on St. Patty’s Day:

 

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