Now that fiscal cliff saga has been resolved, President Obama and Congress can turn their attention to a major national security issue: rogue Brazilian stealth cats.
A Jan. 5 report from Reuters states that a guard at Arapiraca Prison in northeast Brazil noticed a feline on the grounds. The fact that feline was wrapped in tape raised eyebrows, but was even more disconcerting was the cargo the cat carried: a cellphone and drill, among other items. Finding out who was responsible has been challenging, as a prison spokesman pointed out a complication with their interrogation techniques.
"It's tough to find out who's responsible for the action as the cat doesn't speak.”
There is another issue this raises – how was the cat compensated? Was it given a stash of catnip as an inducement, or was it lured with the promise of cat food. As cuisine offerings go, Fancy Feast or Meow Mix are considered several steps above prison food, which itself is believed to be a rung or two below cat litter. Also, do these inmates understand just how pissed that feline was going to be when it got to its destination and have the tape removed? If you think a cat with Christmas bows stuck to it is mad, multiply that by a factor of sixty billion. A week in solitary would be easy time compared to what Mittens likely had in store, raising his leg as he meowed “Que pasa, Pablo? Say ‘hola’ to my stinky little friend.”
That raises another question – what’s the Spanish word for “Mittens?”
Equally concerning is the national security implications for America. After all, what’s to stop North Korea, Al Qaeda or Iran from using rogue cats as weapons? Indeed, felines already contain a widely feared, built-in chemical weapons system capable of producing nausea-inducing scents, but think about it. Thousands of cats, pooping and farting in unison, have the ability to nauseate the nation so much that the average American would be incapacitated.
However, this raises a valid national defense issue – in the face of the looming debt ceiling debate, the Defense Department will likely be looking for innovative ways to save money on “next generation weapons.” Properly conditioned felines (anyone with oatmeal for a brain knows you can’t train a cat) could become a psychological weapon. Using asynchronous meowing, such “soldiers” could render enemies troops insane to the point of being willing to surrender (have you ever dealt with a cat who hasn’t been fed on time? It’s not pretty.)
As for the Brazilian prison situation, all 263 inmates are suspected, as is Morris the Cat, Garfield, a gang of Amazonian tabbies, and a Siamese group calling themselves "Gangnam Whiskers."
NOTE: No cats were harmed in the writing of this column, though the author did have to appease his masters with several pounds of high quality medicinal catnip.
Copyright 2013 - Clarity Digital Media, LLC and John E. Guzzardo. All rights reserved by the author.
Have a cat story idea? Email John at email@example.com - be sure to include plenty of pictures of catnip and fuzzy mice that he can show to his cats.