Have you ever been in a relationship where you or your partner cheated? If you were cheated on did you stay in the relationship, or did you leave it all behind? If you were the one who cheated, were you remorseful? Did you stay with your current partner, or did you go with the one who had the affair with?
Infidelity is a topic that comes up more times than not when discussing relationship issues. In Hawaii, partners and spouses may be away from each other for significant amounts of time due to deployments, or normal work activities that may occur on the mainland. During that time apart, one person in the relationship may find himself or herself straying to another individual for comfort. Loneliness is a very real emotion, people lean on others for support and to fill that void that occurs when one’s significant other is not around.
Now don’t get me wrong, cheating may still occur even if there is no problems with distance, or the other person not being around. Some people cheat for sexual reasons, to just be with another person, because the opportunity presented itself or because there is an emotional disconnect in the current relationship. So when this happens, what happens next?
I would never suggest that cheating be an absolute deal breaker for ending a relationship. Everyone’s relationship is different, and people have different emotional and physical connections to each other. But if you have been cheated on or if you have cheated then the next question would be to decide to yourself if you are ready to leave, or if this is just a relationship wound that will eventually heal.
Here is my advice is you are facing the issue of infidelity in your relationship:
- Once the action has been acknowledged, it is time to start a conversation. It is a very difficult conversation to say the least, but a conversation that must be had. The number one important question is, do you both want to stay in the relationship? If one person wants to leave, let them go. You cannot hold on to someone’s heart if they are not giving it to you. Moving on is best in that case.
- If you both decide that you want to stay in the relationship, then now is the time to be completely honest. No, all minor, hurtful details are not necessary, but if there are questions, answer truthfully. Things like length of time, and frequency are important. The other person may truly have your heart and you don’t even know it. Healing beings with honesty.
- Next step if you were the one who was cheated on is to work on forgiveness. For you individually this will be difficult. Forgiveness takes time, so don’t worry if you don’t feel better the next day. Forgiveness also requires you to let go of resentment, no feelings of trying to get the other person back. By forgiving you are saying that I want to learn to trust you again, I am ready to move on to a positive future with you, and I will not let this action destroy our growth as a couple. Remember, forgiveness takes time, so don’t rush it.
- Seek assistance from a professional psychotherapist if you two are having trouble feeling connected. Relationships require trust and communication. If these things are missing the relationship seems like pointless work. If you are truly choosing to stay together but continue to feel like strangers, then a professional is a good idea for help in that area.
- Once you are ready to move on, if you did the cheating, make sure you no longer have any contact with that person. Delete phone numbers, Facebook information, and emails. Don’t leave yourself in a position to be tempted, or accused of cheating if you are not.
- Finally, once the two of you have reached a good space, then talk openly about your relationship with each other. If you feel that something is lacking from your relationship, have a conversation. Make sure that you are both taking equal responsibility for the relationship, and both are contributing each day to make it better.
For relationship or life advice please email me at jencwalton@gmail.com
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