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It is no secret that social networking sites like MySpace and Facebook are more popular than ever. These sites are not just for teens anymore. In the last two years, more and more adults have joined these and similar social networking sites making it easy to find old friends, schoolmates and even...a former crush or past love.
"According to the Pew Internet & American Life Project's daily tracking survey of 2,251 adults, more than one-third (35 percent) of U.S. adult Internet users currently have a profile on a social networking site."
The following interview is from an article dated February, 18, 2009 from CNN.com:
“Many people try to reunite online because it's so easy”, says Nancy Kalish, a professor of psychology at Cal State Sacramento and author of the book "Lost & Found Lovers: Facts and Fantasies of Rekindled Romance."
Kalish says most people go looking for lost loves, initially, out of curiosity. First loves in particular are most often sought out online, she says, and they pose the most danger to real-world relationships for two reasons: biological and emotional.
Her advice to the social networking crowd is simple: "It's not enough to have a good marriage. My rule is, if you are married or in a serious relationship, you are not available. Don't contact your lost love. Understand that these are old feelings and that who your lost love was years ago is not who they are today."
"Some spouses agree... In the Pew survey, of the adults who had removed their profile from a social networking site, 3 percent said they did it because their spouse or partner wanted it removed."
Of course, social networking sites are not the root cause of failed relationships and divorce. These sites are merely the tools making it easier to reconnect with those from your past with whom you once had feelings. Unfortunately, things can quickly get out of hand if you feel that you are currently in a relationship which is lacking physically or emotionally. In this circumstance, casually flirting online and secret emails can easily re-ignite those feelings you once had. All too often these activities lead to phone calls, casual meetings and possibly an affair.
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Odds are that trying to rekindle online with a former love will only cause problems in a current marriage or relationship by emotionally distancing yourself from your partner. Unless you are seriously looking to end your existing relationship it is your best bet to completely resist the temptation to seek out an old flame.
Sources: CNN.com/living
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Comments
Good info, Chuck! Not only can looking for a lost love on a social networking site be detrimental to your marriage, just the sheer amount of time one spends on these social networking sites can be just as harmful to a marital relationship.
This is not good for your relationship
I've never been tempted by an old love, even after my divorce. Unfortunately I have an excellent memory and remember exactly why that old flame didn't last. Great article.
This is a terrible thing. Its way too easy for old flames to reunite. My wife was contacted by an old HS boyfriend that had recently gone through a divorce. A week into it they were texting 100 times/day adn calling each other2 -3 hours/day. after collecting evidence for 3 weeks I cut confronted her just before they had planned to meet. I truely do not think that I will ever be the same after this betrayal and breaking of my trust to the one person I plan to spend eternity with.
My husband recently filed for divorce bec he found an old flame when he opened a facebook account. He immediately dropped the 10 yrs we put together in our good and solid marriage (I thought)just because of an old flame!????? This is a man who goes infront of our church congregation and sharing his testimonies how God has blessed us tremendously ie, his career our family etc. He dropped the bomb, "I was faking it throughout the years we are together, haven't been happy the past seven years, we dont have anything in common." Our family and friends did not see this coming, they cannot believe he is this good in faking it. They said, he must be a really good actor acting it out that everything is happy in the marrige. Me too, I feel like I'm having a nightmare! Please wake me up.
My wife of 10 years started flirting with old boyfriends on Facebook and repeatedly lied about it. She told them she dreamed of being single again and wrote that past intimate experiences with them were great. We have two kids whose lives would be destroyed by a divorce, but there is no way I will ever trust her again. There is no doubt in my mind she will do it again and has probably done more already. Once a liar and a cheat always a liar and a cheat.
Boy I thought I was the only one. My wife connected with an old flame, I installed a soft ware package that records every key stroke and chat as well as e-mail, I printed 6 pages of cyber sex chat between the two of them and took it home asked my wife what she did all day and her comment was "nothing" after repeated did you chat with Wil today and the answer was no I showed her the pages of their chat. What a mess. My kids and I have since moved.
Seen it from both sides. Lost the love of my life a long time ago and looked her up via a social networking site. Apparently all her other past loves did too. She picked me, not only over her husband but over at least one of the others. She still keeps in touch, has the same links, follows her first love on twitter and sees him a few times a year. It's a constant reminder that she has plenty of options. Meanwhile pics of me/us are few, and kind of buried on her page, and the 'info' section says she's interested in men (doesn't have to be filled out). We said we'd have separate pages and maintain our own identities and within her close circle of friends we're a couple, but it's not something she's announcing from the rooftops. Not an 'announcing from the rooftops' kind of girl but - well I'm afraid to ask her about it so I looked up some of my exes too even though I'm not remotely curious, rather tan ask her about it and have her think I'm too sensitive.
I've been married for several years and most of our marriage has been spent trying to save the marriage after my wife had a couple of emotional affairs. I love my wife and have fought for this marriage because of my love for her. Recently realized that i never got over the last affair and have been dealing with that. hasn't helped that I've reconnected with an old female friend from high school. We have so much in common and has been refreshing, but she's also married with kids and in a marriage she's been wanting out of for quite a while (even before me). Very confusing situation and full of emotion. We're taking it easy though and trying to figure things out. What a mess ey? But social networking avenues such as facebook can definitely make it easier to get into a situation like this.
I wonder if Tiger Woods had a Facebook or Myspace page???
I find this ridiculous. If people are going to cheat they will with or without a internet site !!!
I recently busted my wife doing this same thing. She found a high school friend, and he quickly became her ear. Right after that she told me that she did not have feeling for me anymore. I struggled for weeks searching myself for the answers. I walked on egg shell, around her all the time. Finally, I got into her facebook. I had left articles like this one out for her to read, but she contested that I would never find anything. She had erased all of her inbox, and it looked alright, but when I looked to the out going chat messages I found her comments to one guy, and they were telling. She asked him to call her at stratigic times of the day for him and her (both married). She even met with him. Then the chat's stopped? Maybe they met, and saw each other after 20 years and realized they were not what they were in HS. For whatever reason, it has set our marriage back severally. I forgave myself first then I forgave her. I'm at peace, but she is struggling.
I recently threw out my husband of 33 years for this very thing......Facebook Addiction as I called it ie: talking to women, not working, etc. It is real.
I also know of a 22 year marriage ending right now due to Facebook. Recently I saw on a show that 1 in 5 divorces now are siting Facebook!!
I am going through this right now. My life was ruined and destroyed over Facebook....My husband turns out had 7 facebook girlfriends....and he slept with 3 of them...when was he going to tell me this??? I busted him....he denies all of it...but I have rock hard solid proof. I kicked him out of house....and I am still in turmoil....so many peoples lives were affected by this.....I wish I could sue Facebook for helping to ruin my life.
Moving to a different country set up a couple of social networking sites. At first thought this was great hearing from old friends and became very addictive. An old boyfriend got in touch and at first it was all innocent but then he said his heart skipped a beat when he seen my page. Flattered I carried it on. My husband found out was deeply hurt. I told him I was so sorry. I thought we'd gotten over it. But he ended up doing the same to me with a woman who I thought was a friend as she chatted to me too. His became physical on a visit home. I was devastated by this but knew why he turned to her. She made sure I found out when she realised she was been used. I blame her more as she knew me. I know now she was jealous and only added me as a friend to get to my husband. She seen we had kids and felt no guilt as she looked at our family photos. My husband is deeply ashamed. If your single go for it as long as your not stealing someone elses partner.
Its not the social networking sites that are too blame its us users. Think of the consequences, it can destroy marriages. We were lucky we were strong enough to get over it. Do not confuse love with a bit of flattery and excitement. One good thing that did come out over our stupidity we both knew we could never live without the other. We will never ever put each other through this hurt again. Its not worth it.
Moving to a different country set up a couple of social networking sites. At first thought this was great hearing from old friends and became very addictive. An old boyfriend got in touch and at first it was all innocent but then he said his heart skipped a beat when he seen my page. Flattered I carried it on. My husband found out was deeply hurt. I told him I was so sorry. I thought we'd gotten over it. But he ended up doing the same to me with a woman who I thought was a friend as she chatted to me too. His became physical on a visit home. I was devastated by this but knew why he turned to her. She made sure I found out when she realised she was been used. I blame her more as she knew me. I know now she was jealous and only added me as a friend to get to my husband. She seen we had kids and felt no guilt as she looked at our family photos. My husband is deeply ashamed. If your single go for it as long as your not stealing someone elses partner.
Same here. If I didn't track my wife's behavior she would go wrong way (I am sure in that) - actually she admited that and now is happy I helped her get out of that. Luckily I stopped her on time by spying her facebook :( . She would ruin 10 years of great marriage. If your partner is spending too much time on Facebook/Myspace check him/her.
I am going through the same nightmare right now. It's horrible and heartbreaking to read a message from my wife (10 years of marriage and 2 beautiful girls) to her former boyfriend acting jealous and telling him that she's still loves him!!! I've never been devastated this much in my life. I then canceled her Facebook account, uninstalled Yahoo! messenger, and I am keeping a spying eye on all her calls from now on...
This is just wrong for married people.
Yeap! Good article
All I can say is wow! My kids and I lost my wife to an old flame. She says the marriage had been over for some time but made no effort to try and fix it. After she left she came to the realization that we DID still have something but she believes that now that she is in love with the old flame, it is too late for us. Social Networking is not the cause of the problems but I believe they help the "weak" do chicken**** stuff. My wife did not think through the consequesnces and now our sons want nothing to do with her. She is willing to accept that. I feel sorry for her.
Hi.Do you think it is wrong or dangerous to meet up with a friend(guy) to talk when youare down when it feels your relationship is a bit wobbly?I mean i dont feel at all i can speak to my partner.I red your article on passion,and that is my goal in our relationship exactly but im not sure if he feels the same.I really enjoy your articles and they make very much sence.Thanks
It seems like most of the people that are on facebook are single, or looking for more in the way of socializing. I have a difficult time seeing my wife give out her facebook address to people I don't know, or don't really care of. She has reconnected after 30 years with a friend or two from high school who are STILL single. She is asked to do things with this friend who is also female, and she even wanted her to go to LAS Vegas with her. Thankfully my wife told her she couldn't. I recently seen on her facebook that has added her highschool sweetheart, she also went on a church outing and is now in contact with another guy she ment on the trip. When confronted it all sounds so innocent, but it bothers me. in additin, a friend of mine who actually was calling her daily until I ended that, and even asked her to a concert when I was out of town, he now stays in touvc with her on facebook, "where have you been, I missed you guys" was one qute. I have been married for 24 years.
My husband and I were separated and trying to work things out. We had been married for 7 years and had a relationship off and on for 23+years. We were really working to resolve our issues. He 'ran into' and old 'friend' from college on Facebook. Her entire Facebook was filled with nothing but tasteless, trashy pictures of her and her sister. Somewhat sad for a 34 year old to have nothing better to do than solicit her sexuality on Facebook for everyone's boyfriends and husbands too see. It really appears somewhat desperate for attention. She knew he was still married, but there is no telling what he told her since you can 'put your best foot forward' on Facebook. Nonetheless, it apparently was eye catching enough for a grown man to suddenly decide that it would be so much more exciting to hang out with the flash and trash sisters he met up with on Facebook. I personally see the appeal if you are, as one other person commented, a 'weak' person with waivering values........ or a teenager or college boy. I think that people that are married should not be hooking up with people of the opposite sex on Facebook. Unless it's strictly for business, then there is no place for it. I had this feeling about Facebook long before any of this happened with my marriage. I had expressed my concerns to my then husband, and even cancelled my
Facebook account after about one month. I figure we barely have time to spend with our 'real life' friends and families....why mire up your life with more garbage from the computer? The funny thing is, my husband used to always say, "You don't ever allow yourself to be in positions that leave any opportunity for an affair". I wish he had had the insight to use his own advice in this tempting situation. He divorced me and is still seeing the trashy girl he hooked up with on Facebook. She's still putting it out there for everyone to see. Maybe she will find someone with 'sexier' pics than him on Facebook. It's a very real risk when she's posting so many pics of her in what she considers 'sexy' poses and skanky getups. I think he realizes it's not all it's cracked up to be because he has been wavering back and forth between this new person and myself. I just think the allure of the 'sexy' persona is really strong. He gets so many positive strokes on his Facebook from guys that are digging the overt sexuality. I realize it's a 'type' of person that is into that, but I think it's become an adrenaline rush and very addictive for him. He already has problems with being an addict. This has just become another addiction for him. I realize that people can be 'stronger' than that, but why even open ourselves up for a Facebook affair. It's so much easier to let down your guard and lose inhibition when online.
I totally agree
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