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Butting in on controversy

With all the hoopla of the Winter Olympics, uprising in Kiev and tension in the Middle East one important headline got lost in the shuffle.

The Perfect Butt Implant
The Perfect Butt Implant
internet/Rus Pishnery
Butt Implants
Butt Implants
internet/Rus Pishnery

In case you haven’t heard, Kim Kardashian has denied reports that she has had butt implants. It’s true; I know this because I saw it on the ABC Evening News with Diane Sawyer.

Apparently Kim is upset that this vicious rumor has been spreading and she has assured all seventeen of her fans that she has been rear-ended by this gossip and she wants to put the allegations behind her.

If you follow the Kardashians like I do, then you know that not only does Kim carry a wide-load, but that the whole family has ample glutes. Unless they get a family discount down at the Beverly Hills Butt Implant and Dental Center, I’m guessing that the rumors are indeed false. I know this because I set my laptop screen on wide-angle and googled images of the Kardashians from the rear and it was ass for days. Further evidence is a comment from a local tattoo artist who inked Kim’s butt and said after the tatt was done along with her mole and cellulite the image looked a page from the book “Where’s Waldo?” Kris Jenner was to comment on her talk show until she realized she didn’t have a talk show anymore. Kris’ wife Bruce also has been silent.

In reality the secret to Kim’s filling up the rear-view mirror is an intense work ethic and a rigorous training program. She uses a wide-squat technique combined with lunges, texting and reps with dumbbells. Nothing like a workout at the gym to beef up the hind quarters. A stop at the Burger King on the way home and the butt regimen is complete.

What does this all have to do with food?

Well after I watched the Diane Sawyer report and before Wheel of Fortune came on, I suddenly had a hankering for a pulled pork sandwich. The day before the breaking news I had smoked a pork butt and made some cole slaw and a nice low-country pulled pork sandwich seemed to hit the spot.

Unlike the Kardashian butt, a pork butt is a cut that comes from the upper shoulder from the front leg. When you are ready to smoke a butt there are a few things to remember.

The night before either brine your butt and refrigerate or liberally rub your butt. But there’s more. The next day make sure your smoker is set at 200-225 degrees with plenty of smoking wood. I like to use a blend of hickory and pecan or huckleberry wood.

Smoke that butt for 6-10 hours for a 7-10 pound piece of meat. When it is ready it will practically fall apart on its own.

The secret to a satisfying butt encounter is the sauce. Lots prefer a tomato based Kansas City style sauce, purist demand a lowcountry South Carolina sauce.

Lowcountry Butt Sauce

1 Qt. Cider Vinegar

1 Qt. Apple Cider (or Juice)

2 Cups Yellow Mustard

1 Onion, Peeled

6 Cloves Garlic, Peeled & Smashed

2 Cups Brown Sugar

2 Tbs. Cayenne

2 Oz. Tabasco Sauce

2 Tbs. Fresh Thyme

Combine everything in a food processor and pulse until pureed. Pour in to a cast-iron Dutch oven, bring to a boil and reduce to a simmer and cover. Simmer for 30 minutes, tasting to add more hot sauce if needed. Let cool and pour in to squeeze bottles or mason jars sealed tightly. Refrigerate.

When I assemble a pulled pork sandwich I use a standard hamburger bun or Wonder Bread. Soak the pulled pork in the lowcountry sauce for a minute or so then pile it high. Top it with coleslaw and serve it with chips and a pickle.

All of this controversy is a drop in the bucket when it comes to enjoying a good old smoked pork butt. Check out the video and slideshow for more important data about Kardashian butt implants.

Don’t let anybody light a fire under your butt everybody.