Barbara Oakley
Cold-blooded Kindness: Neuroquirks of a Cold-blooded Killer, or Just Give Me a Shot at Loving You, Dear, and other Reflections on Helping that Hurts
Prometheus Books
Buffalo Books: I always like to ask authors why they chose a particular title. What does cold-blooded kindness refer to?
Barbara Oakley: What people like Carole Alden do is take advantage of our own kindness. Remember – even as Carole Alden was claiming to be a victim of intimate partner violence, she was also known as the Queen of Sadomasochism of Salt Lake City…. Sometimes the best way to be kind is not to be taken in by the stories of those who portray themselves as victims. When I say Cold-Blooded Kindness,as with the title of my book, one sense of what I mean is that we ourselves must be dispassionate.
Look at the thousands of books available now on the benefits of altruism, empathy, and kindness. No one talks about the dark sides of these qualities – depression, guilt by manipulation, codependency, burnout – yes, and even suicide bombing and genocide. The study of pathologies of altruism is a vital new area – that’s why I helped co-edit a book on the topic—Pathological Altruism—which will be coming out from Oxford University Press in October.
One issue that continually amazed me as I researched Cold-Blooded Kindness was how gullible and credulous journalists were about Carole Alden and her never-ending claims of victimization. They took her word for nearly everything, damn the facts, and damn whatever it did to the reputation of others. We, the public, are given warnings all the time about email scams and phone scams and check scams. But when is the academic and journalistic community going to wake up and start helping us – and themselves – to better understand scams of the heart, instead of always telling us to give a perceived class of sanctified victims the benefit of the doubt? Real abused women, along with other real victims, deserve no less.
Buffalo Books: As you are, I am also fascinated by neuroscience as it connects with the social framework and with individuals. In your work in the military and in engineering, how does this play out for you?
Barbara Oakley: I was a military brat—by the time I hit tenth grade, I’d already lived in ten different places. Moving like that does something to you—makes you appreciate the value of totally new perspectives. As I matured myself, I kept moving, trying new perspectives and disciplines. Book learning is okay, but it doesn’t necessarily help you understand life. I have friends, for example, who are radical liberals—communists at heart. If I’d had no experience, I would listen to their tales of the wonders of Marxist equality and think “Gee, it’s so easy! That’s all we need to do.”
But I’ve worked with the Soviets—I spent a year as a Russian translator on Soviet trawlers up on the Bering Sea. I know now how gullible my Marxist friends are. But my friends all hang out together in a little academic, self-reinforcing klatch. It’s virtually impossible to get through their shield of virtuousness. I think my own background and experiences with many different non-academic fields, going from private to captain in the US Army, working as a Russian translator, serving as a radio operator in Antarctica (that’s where I met my husband—I had to go to the ends of the earth to meet that man!), all of these things have helped me get an unusual set of perspectives on people. My scientific training helps provide context for these perspectives.
Buffalo Books: What do you most want your books to do for your readers or for the community at large? Is there a common denominator to your purpose in them?
Barbara Oakley: I’d like for my books to help people realize how interesting people really are. And that science can give us far more insight than psychobabble. But…empathy has more than one facet and it’s not the universal “solver.” It doesn’t cure every situation, and it can set up people to be hurt by those who don’t have good intentions. Science can give us an understanding of our human mechanism. Writing tends to try to make hard things easy! But applying them is something everyone can do.
Buffalo Books: What would you most like your readers to know about you?
That my deepest goal is to help others. Even if it means bucking the tide with unpopular sentiments. And that my family is the most wonderful family in the world.
Barbara Oakley will talk about her work and sign copies of her book, Cold-blooded Kindness: Neuroquirks of a Cold-blooded Killer, or Just Give Me a Shot at Loving You, Dear, and other Reflections on Helping that Hurts, on Monday, July 25 at 7 PM at Talking Leaves Main Street store.
Buffalo Books Examiner Linda Chalmer Zemel writes about local authors, books, events, and publishing.
Check up with Linda’s column as the Buffalo Alternative Medicine Examiner.
Contact Linda at writer14221@yahoo.com
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