There were so many things that I wanted to make fun of for my first article of 2013... the fact that Kim Kardashian is pregnant and will get obnoxiously fat, that idiots were flocking to ancient Mayan temples... (ain't your ides of march son, chill!), that the hair of Troy Polamalu is now insured for $1 million (along with other celebrities who insured body parts... similar to the novel "Unwind"... makes me want to insure my best feature: my brain), and then of course-- our economy is in the toilet which reminds me of one of my favorite quotes that came from Gore Vidal: "Half of the American people have never read a newspaper. Half never voted for president. One hopes it is the same half."
But it all truth, the embarrassing things that are essentially ruining our country will not have dominance in my first article of the new year. Yep, pretty sure I've mentioned this before but the quote I live by is "Success is to know that one life breathed easier because you have lived." It's the little quote under my senior picture in the yearbook, much different than all of the Lombardi quotes that were popular at the time. Since my last article, my grandpa passed away. It was such a deep loss that I really can't express it into words. A simple man from a simple farm in Italy who came to America before the Great Depression changed everything about my life.
It's kind of crazy how in a moment you can get so angry with someone that you scream things on the top of your lungs, your face red with anger, veins sticking out of your neck, nostrils flaring like a picadored bull... but go to sleep totally fine because you know that when all is said and done, you love him and he loves you... and really that's all that friggin' matters.
As much as we would scream or cry or complain... we loved each other. I can't even explain how much I miss him. I miss everything him, even the nursing home... watching Ernest Borgnine movies, cleaning up the millions of dirty Kleenex that he kept in his sweaters like he was an immigrant fresh of the boat, his laugh, his raised voice when I was being a testa dura...
There's really nothing I can do but to write a letter to him and read it to him next time I visit the cemetery for some sort of closure. I did this with my dad and grandma... but the jury's still out if it actually does anything. I guess it's somewhat therapuetic to write your ideas down on how you feel even if no one reads it. Really, I'd rather read the letter to him than share stories at a stuffy wake with people that truly did not know him. It's really crazy when I think about how annoyed I got every time someone told me that he's in a "better place" when I thought the better place was here with my mom and myself.
I guess I didn't get the closure I wanted, but I guess there is no perfect goodbye. When I said goodbye that last day, I didn't realize that it would be my last day I would see him. But I told him thank you for being a dad to me, actually better than my dad was.... and that I loved him, and as I walked out back to my car the Mamas and the Papas' "Dream a Little Dream" was playing on the speakers... I guess that's about as good it gets.
Now with the new year, I am left with making resolutions. Here's the problem, folks: I break all of my resolutions, every last one of them, I don't even think I make it past January. But I'm gonna roll with it this year. I had the best New Year's Eve, so I definitely started my year off right... and I've decided that I'm going to use my grandpa's memory for something good. My resolutions for this year: 1. appreciate the people around me and 2. speak up when I see things around me aren't right.
I mean as much as I hate to sound like a jaded lady all the time, there were a lot of great things that happened this year. I have no impact over the Kardashian Klan or the poor decisions of our government, but... I am working my dream job, I have amazing family and friends, and I even met someone that makes me extremely happy.
I guess you can't be a sarcastic cynic forever... (this of course doesn't mean I'll stop singing Sara Bareilles' "Sweet as Whole" with the piano...)