I recently had this question sent to me at my Advice Column Dear Sybersue, by a very distraught woman who's relationship just ended. Here is her question:
I was in a 7 year relationship when my boyfriend suddenly left...It was right out of the blue with no warning! I'm in so much pain and it’s only been a month. It was such an abrupt breakup and it totally blindsided me! What can I do, I'm so stuck. I tried dating already but most of the guys just want sex and I am avoiding that, but I still have needs. I feel so alone & I’m very disillusioned as to why our relationship ended without so much as a discussion?
(Thanks for your video advice about breakups, it did help…) DDee
My Advice to Her;
Thanks for writing & I understand your pain! 7 years is a long time invested in a relationship & not something anyone gets over in a few months. You won't be alone for long if you dust yourself off, get outside & keep really busy. Anything that reminds you of him remove out of the house. Constant reminders are what keep you pining for him. If he is on your Facebook,Twitter or any other social media, take him off. So many women think that if they still can see or hear what their EX is doing it makes them feel closer ~ Not! It just makes it more difficult watching them move on without you!
Dating right away is not the advice I would give as it usually just makes you miss your EX more, especially if you are not really attracted to that person. The heart needs time to heal & not be shoved right back into another emotional setting. It’s not really fair on the people you date as you are not a whole person at this time. Part of you is somewhere else down memory lane. (Usually after 6 months things will start to feel much better & the pain will lessen.)
Being active or joining something new will keep your mind occupied & each day will become less & less about your past relationship. The hardest part for you right now may be not knowing why your relationship ended & not having proper closure. I am sure there were some “red flags” in the last year of your partnership but only you can answer that question. Many people are in denial that the signs were there because they buried them, hoping it wasn’t happening & their relationship wasn’t in jeopardy. I did a video on “Don’t be the Last to Know Your Relationship is in Trouble,” because so many people are not paying attention to their relationship and truly are the last ones to know there is a problem.
You didn’t say whether you have had contact with your EX boyfriend since the breakup, but it may be time to get a few answers to your questions in the next few months. We can all learn from past relationships even if it is hurtful in the beginning. It can help teach us things about our self or what to be aware of in another relationship. Maybe your friends know something to help you move on but may be afraid to tell you for fear of hurting you further.
I am not sure whether you lived with this man but 7 years is a long time to be committed to someone without cohabitating or tying the knot. This is a big issue in many long term partnerships and a red flag that "you" may not be there for the long haul in the years to come. I hate the cliché, “things happen for a reason” but maybe in this case you are not supposed to be with your EX boyfriend & you are being guided to a better place. In another few months you will have a clearer picture of why you and your EX are not together & it will get easier. I doubt he is sitting at home eating haagen dazs ice cream & listening to sad love songs ~ maybe we could learn something from men on how to move on as quickly as they do sometimes.
The biggest lesson here for all of us to remember is “A broken heart means you know how to love” which also means you are able to find love again because you know what it is. Wishing you much happiness & wonderful new beginnings.
Susan McCord @ http://www.youtube.com/twobeavers