A boy falls on the playground or gets his feelings hurt. His parent (or caregiver) gives him a stern look and tells him, "Boys don't cry. Shake it off," or "Stop being such a baby," and goes about their business, never realizing that they are contributing to the potential collapse of their child's future relationship and communication skills.
Little boys are people, too, with feelings and emotions, and they need to be aware of positive ways to communicate their feelings. It's ok to cry when hurt, either physically or emotionally. Little boys need to have a safe place in which to express their feelings. Ideally, that place is home. You can help them in the following ways.
- Model good emotional skills, including appropriate anger management.
- Help them learn to self-regulate. This can be difficult, but a positive time-out (not a punitive one) can help children take time away from the situation and get a fresh handle on things. Emotions can become overwhelming even for adults; imagine how much moreso they are for small children!
- Help them learn to label their emotions. Children don't often have names for what they are feelings, and those feelings can be scary. Giving them names for those feelings can help put the fear into perspective.
- Encourage positive communication. Don't stifle your children when they need to talk to you. Encourage it, even if they say something you find disturbing. Talk it out, and ask questions to get to the bottom of the situation.
- Defend their right to their emotions. Even though you may never say "Big boys don't cry," to your sons, others (even complete strangers) may take it upon themselves to do so. You have every right to defend your sons and correct these people. Big boys (and girls) do cry. All people cry. It's a normal and healthy part of life. Crying releases stress hormones from the body, and sometimes it's better just to let it all out.
If you'd like to learn more about raising boys and keeping their emotions intact, there two books you may want to add to your autumn reading list. Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys and Raising Boys: Why Boys Are Different - And How to Keep Them Become Happy and Well Balanced Men are both available at many St. Louis area Borders stores.
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