Boomer Parents and Boomerang kids Part II: issues that haunt America

Taylor Lynne Trentwood, Ph.d　

Boomer parenting as a national crisis looms largely as an almost uniquely American pattern of parent-child relationships.  It has now become a national crisis as millions of families are dealing with a cross generational crisis. A Brit of the royal family who visited America was asked for his perceptions. One telling  reply was - he was astonished he was at how obedient the parents were to their children . We have always cherished and cared for our little ones with an extraordinary passion. Today those "little ones" are often college grads.

We are now, however , a country with  pattern of troubesome issues that are rapidly escalating .  Adult children who are living at home feel repressed and frustrated while the parent feels amiss in many ways as well.

 Boomer Parenting  in America has led to  crushing psychological problems: The conflict is stealthily damaging to both generations. Parents are mentally torn in two when this issue hits home and the conflict that they face is one that must be resolved.

The conflict experienced by Boomer parenting is a deep and well-entrenched conflict. To ask one to set aside their major definition of self , or at least a major part of that definition, is to stir up embers that often turn into an inferno. We  Americans love to become  parents . Yet, many people are not well attuned to the reality that it is an 18 years sign-on in duration. They have not accepted that it is not a lifetime role. The younger generation has a very hard time establishing their own independent automy when Boomer Parenting and Boomerang children mesh. The parent has a different challange.

Letting go of our kids is just as much a development stage as puberty; some of us, at times,  postpone it beyond righteous timelines , we are failing in our development as healthy adults. Financial support can end at either age 18 or the end of providing funds for an education. Yet when either of these occur, the role must shift from parent-child to that of honored relation and hopefully lifetime dear friend. The cost to the long over-attached “child” is almost immeasurable. Self -esteem, personal levels of confidence, social skills and employment ability are all tremendously effected.

The boomer parents who are in the conflict between letting their “child” grown up or hanging on to their inappropriate parental role are deeply distressed. The conflict is an enormously painful one The national scene at this time has sharpened that conflict because it is so very simple to create an explanation for why you are still caretaking a 31 year old adult who lives at home .

A tendency has turned into a lifestyle pattern that millions have taken on and are now regretting. Email in self help columns  is inundated with requests for advice on how to set some limits for adults who are living with  Mom and Dad. What began as a helpful gesture turned into the “man who came to dinner” fiasco /nightmare for more families than can be appreciated. . The better way is to expect your offspring to be self sufficient adults at the earliest appropriate moment. It is an act of great love to do so.

No one is deeply guilty in this now escalating scenario of Boomer Parenting. . With the best of intentions, adults drift back to Mom’s house and Mom is happy to assist with a temporary inconvenience for the “child”. It is pleasant to have everyone home again. No one sets out to make it a permanent, twilight zone , déjà -vu - type of weird reprisal of times past. It just turns out that way. However, Mom and Dad not only need but also deserve the quiet pleasure of later years.

The conflict must be settled , not by the adult offspring, but by the Boomer parent who is now far and away over-parenting. The questions that help to end the dilemma are not easy to answer but apparent to with serious reflection.

Why do I keep on playing this part?

What do I need out of this?

What do I hope to achieve by this behavior?

What keeps me in a situation that I no longer choose to be in?

Is my spouse supporting me on this or are they part of the problem?

Am I competing with someone else for affection ?

Am I enjoying a companioning that I have missed but is no longer appropriate in this current situation?

Why is my offspring happy with this arrangement?

Is it good for them? Am I helping them?

Do I feel some resentment that I am not acknowledging?

Questions such as these lead to remarkably fascinating answers and they move anyone to a good solution. Conflict is so self-destructive to health and well being that resolving the parent-child role dilemma is the essence of mature self -discipline . As for letting -go emotionally of the parent role: it is one of the last and yet most painful of developmental steps. Death and dying issues are not even a close second to this one in my clinical observations.

Conflicts are often unconscious and therefore doing a great deal of damage of which you may be entirely unaware. Many boomer parents attribute their stress to mere age or the national political scene.  Perhaps the true source of the diminished joy in life is a mountain of conflict that one would rather not face --jut yet.

Part III will discuss more of the psychological aspects of the current national crisis and how families are struggling to deal with it.

(This is Part II of a V part series on “ boomer parenting and boomerang children.”.)

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