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Best 'Desperate Housewives' quotes from 2011 and before

Eva Longoria
Photo by Juan Naharro Gimenez/Getty Images

"Desperate Housewives" is a great show that just keeps getting better as the years go by. This show stars Teri Hatcher, Eva Longoria, Marcia Cross, and Felicity Huffman. Here are my top 15 favorite funny quotes from this show.

1. Lynette: I know someone, who knows someone, who knows an elf. And if any of you acts up, so help me, I will call Santa and tell him you want socks for Christmas! Alright, are you willing to risk that?

2. Bree: I love sex. I love everything about it: the sensations, the smells. I especially love the feel of a man. All that muscle and sinew pressed against my body. And then when you add friction. MMMmmmm. The tactile sensation of running my tongue over a man's nipple ever so gently. And then there's the act itself; two bodies becoming one in that final eruption of pleasure. To be honest, the only thing I don't like about sex is the scrotum. I mean obviously it has its practical applications but I'm just not a fan.

3. Lynette: Hi. My baby-sitter cancelled.

Bree: I've got millions of errands to run so...

Lynette: Please hear me out, this is important. Today I have a chance to join the human race for a few hours - there are actual adults waiting for me with margaritas. Look, I'm in a dress, I have make-up on.

Bree: If it were any other day?

Lynette: Oh, for God's sake, Bree, I'm wearing pantyhose.

4. Susan: Every time we went out for pizza you could have said, "Hey, I once killed a man".

5. Edie: Well, someone might as well say it... Susan, what the hell have you been smoking?

6. Sister Mary Bernard: Money can't buy happiness.

Gabrielle: Sure it can! That's just a lie we tell poor people to keep them from rioting.

7. Gabrielle: The only person more self-centered than me is Carlos, he's so self-centered he doesn't even know how self-centered I am.

8. Susan: There's a good explanation for this, your father broke up with Edie last night.

Julie: You had sex with him the night he broke up with Edie.

Susan: I said it was a good explanation, not a great one.

9. Gabrielle: Love isn't enough. Where would we live? Here? With your roommates? The only decoration in the bathroom is a bong!

10. Bree: Oh, sweetie, they didn't abandon you because you're a whore, they abandoned you because you weren't all that nice to begin with.

11. Edie: Of course I believe in evil -- I work in real estate.

12. Renee: And that is how you get out of paying for a taxi!

Susan: Well, we weren't in a taxi - we were in my car. But now I know why you showed me your boobs.

13. Susan [to Lynette]: How come you never told us you were sleeping with Tommy Tripod?

14. Keith's mother: I promise to be on my best behavior.

Bree: I know you will. Because, as Keith told you, I have guns.

15. Bree: Do you wanna talk about my perfect lawn? Nine years ago, my son found me face down drunk on it. It's true! He had to turn the sprinklers on to wake me up. Did you not know you're dating the biggest lush in Fairview?


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