Late into Mother's Day after I had hung out with my own mom I went out to meet with my friend, whom I'll call Stephen. We went to the local Mall and did some shopping. Well, I did. As per usual. Afterward we stopped at the local Ben & Jerry's ice cream shop to grab a cone or cup of ice cream. Needless to say upon going to the counter I was floored with how many choices there actually are to choose from: Rocky Mountain this, and Cherry Garcia that, Rainbow Colored this, Peanut Butter Cup that, Swirls of Chocolate this, etc. etc. How in the hell was I supposed to choose? Did I need to choose? Of course I did. Of course I did. I had to. And, as I was ordering I had a flashback of a conversation with a friend of mine I'll call Jason.
Jason's perspectives on sexuality and dating are more open-minded than mine are. I guess I'm not that open-minded as I thought I was. You have to understand me to get to know where I am coming from, and this is my own experience take it or leave it. I know the Kinsey scale of sexual attraction and psychological, biological, and emotional levels of human sexual attraction vary, so I should be more empathetic to that, you'd think. But when talking with Jason who is more open-ended than anyone I have met in a long time I was stunned to notice my own lack of acceptance. I will be blunt and honest and I know I will shock a few people: I don't fully believe in bisexuality. And even though there are numerous websites like sciencedaily.com that talk about bisexuality--I don't honestly accept it as openly as some would accept it. As a once student of psychology you'd think I'd be more up to date with this topic, but I am...obviously simply not fully acceptant of it. Perhaps because of my own perspective of human sexuality, of growing up, and of my own world view of it. Talk about ethnocentrism, how about sexual-centrism? If that even exits. See, to me it's either: you're gay...you are attracted to and or have sex with members of the same sex, straight...you are attracted to the members of the opposite sex, etc. etc. Leaving out Transexuals, and or transvestites out of the equation...that's a whole other topic. So, to me when the lines BLUR that becomes an issue I guess, to me.
Jason, my buddy dated women and has hooked up with men, and also a cross-dresser. Having heard this I simply couldn't fully comprehend how either comfortable he is with himself sexually, or how confused he is? Trying not to judge I really thought to myself: he truly is the first bisexual person I can see reacting to all sides of the fence. Male, female, and whatever comes in between to him it doesn't matter. It's all about the sexual experimentation, and act. To him it doesn't fully matter who it's with as much as the fact that it's happening.
To me, I think: dang, just pick a side!!! Again, I'm being honest here, so forgive me if I come out as crass, or uneducated, or insane. But I need to be more educated on this subject. I am trying here, so please be forgiving.
As I stood in front of the counter at Ben & Jerry's I stopped and ordered what I usually get: a chocolate based ice cream. Nothing fancy, a classic. I chose what I am comfortable with in my world view of ice cream.
I don't think I am ready to take on any more choices right about now. And even in my own gay to gay dating life and few and far between dating experiences that have come my way I tend to stick with the same ol' types of guys. I seem to gravitate toward taken, married, or non-single men. Ugh, shoot me why don't you! I seem to like those types. I am desperately trying not to go down that sick rabbit hole, and learning to say No. So, that's good, right? I have gone on a date about a month ago, but even on that date I was attracted to the same archetype: Mid-30's white male, WASP. (Sue me, that's my preference).
So, what I guess I'm saying is this: in this whole wide world of dating there are many flavors. Choose the flavor that you like best, and hell, if you like all flavors by all means try them all.
As for me: I'll stick to Vanilla or Chocolate. And that's strictly for the ice cream. I don't do chocolate otherwise. That's one of my choices, and I'm sticking to it.
Life is a myriad of choices, and in between I am surprised to find out there are choices left to choose. Maybe one day I might choose the unexpected and surprise even myself.
Until then...this boy remains as he is. Choosing the flavor he always seems to pick.