Remember that time ABC lost out on millions of dollars because they were remiss in making Roberto the next bachelor? Oh, right, that time was now. Despite fans’ endless protests, marches and petitions, (and by that I mean the anonymous letters I wrote to ABC composed of letters individually cut out from magazines) it seems our heartbroken finalist, Ben, will be the next bachelor. Ben Flajnik (pronounced: noise you make when you sneeze) will be introduced to 25 women all vying for his love, attention, and part ownership of his vineyard.
If you haven’t seen the promo, good for you. I suggest you quit while you’re ahead. If you have seen it, you have witnessed the 3 minutes of these girls acting cray cray. The girls drop so many F bombs that ABC finally gets proper use out of their bleep machine. The incessant beeping reminds me of the school-wide mandatory hearing tests you were forced to take in the back of a sketchy mini-van. After seeing this promo I sort of wish I were deaf.
As always, ABC is generous enough to provide us with all the necessary facts to fully get to know these girls. And by “get to know” I mean “judge them completely.”
Amber B. : Not sure of her last name, but I think the “B” stands for “Boring.” She divulges a weird childhood memory regarding witches in a forest and then admits that her worst date memory is falling down outside of the car after getting dropped of by a date. If your date bought you enough alcohol on your date to the point you can’t stand/get out of car, but didn’t try to sleep with you, he sounds like a winner!
Amber T.:I will never understand how ABC has all of America to pick contestants yet there are always at least 5 people with the same name. Amber #2 takes after Amber #1 in the amount of make-up she wears, but has a little more personality. If stranded on a desert island she would bring flint, a knife and beer. Practical girl. She also claims she is an avid speaker of “Spanglish.” You know who spoke real Spanish? Roberto.
Anna: Who I will refer to as big lips. When asked what the most outrageous thing she has ever done, she says, “I jumped out of a plane at 15,000 feet and I loved every second of it.” Then she feels the need to clarify, “I went skydiving,” as if we all assumed she tried to commit suicide by jumping out of a plane...
Blakely: She is one of the older contestants, at 34 years old. Her occupation is a “VIP Cocktail Waitress” which I read as, “Stripper.” She has 4 tattoos. Her worst date memory involves “meeting up with a guy only to find out his girlfriend was there.” Which I interpret as, “the guy’s girlfriend ambushed him at the strip club.”
Brittney: I hate how many ways there are to spell her name. Nothing spectacular about her other than the fact that her worst date memory was finding out her date was married. I’m sure his wife was slightly less thrilled than her.
Casey S: Pretty face, twinkle in her eye. Sort of looks like she has a Tenley energy (meaning she poops rainbows and unicorn tears), which frightens me. Her most embarrassing moment is peeing her pants in 7th grade. Which is old enough to be funny.
Courtney: She’s a model. But I sort of like her. The only bone I have to pick is that she says, “Love is my religion. I’m in love with love.”
Dianna: One of my favorites. She’s a nonprofit director, she’s from California, she can’t cook and she loves Oprah and ‘N sync. We could hang.
Elyse: She’s a personal trainer and claims she makes everything fun. Ok.
Emily: She’s a Ph.D. student. She’s way too pretty and relaxed to be a Ph.D. student. She was matched to her brother on an online dating website, which I was pleased to learn she noted as her most embarrassing moment, not most romantic moment. My personal favorite is her description of her worst date. She says he “used a coupon to bring the bill down to $4.32, then tipped the waitress 67 cents. You know who you are.” Sounds like a winner. No really, I think this guy could win that coupon show.
Erika: A law student who has a tattoo on her lip. Objection! Sustained.
Holly: Lazy eye. Her worst date was going on a blind date with a geek that wore 80’s clothes in 1997. Sounds like my ideal date. I guess we don’t see eye to eye. Literally. Her eye is lazy.
Jaclyn: She admires Gisele because she’s “rich and super hot.” Her idea of an ultimate date is “being whisked away to an undisclosed spot.” That sounds oddly similar to being abducted.
Jamie: Her favorite childhood memory was telling her 6th grade teacher the 4 chambers of the heart and which way the blood flows. That is just sad. My heart hurts for her. I don’t know which chamber hurts the most, but I’m sure she could teach me.
Jenna: Her occupation is: blogger. Therefore, in fear she might read this, she’s awesome!
Jennifer: Forced smile! She’s an accountant who likes “The Notebook.” Don’t need to be good at math to know that adds up to boring.
Kacie: She looks like a combination of several beautiful celebrities. She’s an administrative assistant. I don’t buy that. She claims she reads a lot but then mentions her favorite books that are also conveniently movies, such as “Time Traveler’s Wife.” She has 3 tattoos but will only disclose the location of 2 of them. We know what that means.
Lindzi C.: Clearly her parents were drunk when they named her. She claims she’s allergic to the sun. So if she were stranded on a desert island she would bring a sombrero... Yet, she would also bring pool float toys because she loves to float in the ocean, which leads me to believe she is not allergic to the sun. Being allergic to the sun is not something to joke about. Makeover: Home Edition once built a house for a child that was literally allergic to the sun. I cried. Lindzi is bringing back these memories. Next!
Lyndsie J: Is from London! Which means I automatically read her bio in an accent and pretend I’m drinking tea and holding a monocle. She LOVES being the center of attention. Her occupation is “Internet Entrepreneur.” I’m pretty sure anyone who uses the world wide web is an “internet entrepreneur.”
Monica: Dental consultant from Yuba City, California. She likes drinking. Most likely because that is all there is to do in Yuba City.
Nicki: Dental Hygienist. What is with all these dentists? She claims she’s “fun!” Anyone who tells people they are “fun” with an exclamatory remark, usually isn’t all that fun.
Rachel: She seems a little dull and her nose piercing throws me off.
Samantha: I automatically don’t like people who have the same name as me. I irrationally assume it means we are similar. Her most embarrassing moment is spilling a drink all over her crotch at a house party. Huh, maybe we are similar.
Shawn: She took the bio questionnaire very seriously and answered with Mother Teresa-like answers. Amen.
Sheryl: I thought they were joking when they showed her on the promo. This woman is probably 67 years old and her occupation is “grabbing life when and wherever I can.” I don’t know why she is a contestant, I think it’s just sort of mean. Especially because her biggest fear is “rejection.” But in a sick way, I hope she goes far. They say men often go for women who remind them of their mother...grandmother?
Shira: Like Sheryl (67 year old), she also refuses to disclose her age. But I think for different reasons. I assume she is underage, possibly 17. She wishes she could be Obama for a day. Oh kids, these days, have the craziest dreams.
Well, those are our 25 women/elderly persons/teenagers! Join me on January 2nd when we watch the awkward limo exists. In the meantime, we still have a few weeks to let Roberto sign the contract.
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