Starting with the mid-to-late 1960s, society has created a totally different attitude about the idea of engaging in premarital sex, and even more specifically, short-term and/or non-monogamous premarital sex. Hugh Hefner's Playboy magazine highlighted beautiful "centerfold" models who proudly showed off their nude bodies to young, impressionable, and horny men. Many music videos show one man being surrounded by dozens of beautiful, sexy women adorned in tight mini-skirts, lingerie, and other sexually provocative clothing.
In today's society, if you are a teenage boy who is fifteen years of age or older, or a young adult male twenty-one years of age or older, there is a high percentage chance that you have at least a handful of male friends or acquaintances who are not only sexually active, but are sexually active with multiple women.
There is a joke among men that goes, "What is the difference between a whore and a bitch? A whore is a woman who is having sex with everyone you know including you. A bitch is a woman who is having sex with everyone you know except you." For men who possess the same type of sexual frustration that was expressed by the suicidal murderer Elliot Rodger, a joke like this is anything but funny.
If you are a woman reading this article, and you have a son between the ages of roughly fifteen and twenty-one, have you ever told him that the key to success with women was simply "to be nice to women," "be respectful to women," and/or "avoid talking about anything related to sex?" If so, not only is your advice invalid and ineffective, but in a worst case scenario, you are creating a detrimental mindset that could result in your son becoming the next Elliot Rodger or George Sodini.
No single heterosexual man comes out of his mother's womb with feelings of anger, frustration, or bitterness toward women. Misogyny festers and develops over a period of years, if not decades.
Some in the media have speculated that Elliot Rodger executed his murder spree simply because he had gone his entire teenage and young adult years without having sex with a woman. Some have even suggested that if he could have at least had sex with a street prostitute, professional Call Girl, or upscale Erotic Escort, that all of Rodger's problems would have been solved.
I argue that those type of speculative assessments are missing the bigger picture.
Many of the articles published in this very column have emphasized this message: Being a "polite nice guy" with women does not lead to a single heterosexual man becoming a ladies' man and/or a prolific womanizer. Think about it: have you ever been around a group of say, six women who all had sex with the same promiscuous womanizer, and as they are comparing notes, they say, "You know what? Michael the man-whore is such a sweetheart! He is SO NICE. Oh my God, he has to be the most polite gentleman that I have ever met." Get real. You have never heard a group of women express anything like that about man with a reputation for seducing a lot of women into having casual sex, and you never will.
At best, "nice" behavior lands a man in a woman's "friend zone." At worse, such behavior causes that same man to be ignored because he is perceived as boring or desperate.
As I mention in my first book, Mode One: Let the Women Know What You're REALLY Thinking, the Latin derivation of the term "nice" is nescius, which means "ignorant" and "foolish." The Middle English translation of "nice" means to be "strange" and "lazy." What wonderful adjectives, huh?
When women think of a man being "nice," they many times think of a man who is pleasant and entertaining to be around, who is easy to get along with, who is polite, respectful, and chivalrous, and who steers away from behavior that is cocky, selfish, and/or too sexually aggressive.
When most men think of a "nice guy," we think of a man who is wimpy, passive, sexually desperate, egotistically insecure, dishonest, disingenuous, and manipulative in a sneaky, subtle, and flattering manner.
The reality is this: All men, if they are physically attracted to a woman, want sex. Some may want sex within the context of a long-term, emotionally profound, monogamous relationship with a woman. Some men may be into "open" relationships, and want a sexual relationship that is long-term, but non-monogamous. Other men, known as 'serial monogamists,' want a series of short-term monogamous sexual relationships with women. And a good number of men simply want to engage in short-term non-monogamous sex with women, such as a one-night stand, weekend fling, or other variation of not-long-lasting casual sex.
What I tell men all the time in conversations with them and through my books is that as a man, you need to be simply honest with women about your desire to have sex with them. Long-term sex, short-term sex, monogamous sex, or non-monogamous sex. Be honest about your desires, interests, and motivations for interacting with them. At worst, they will say, "No ... I am not interested in having sex with you." End of story. As a man, you move on to the next woman of interest.
Here is where some women contribute to the egotistical and sexual frustration of men:
Let's say you have "Linda." Linda tells all of her male platonic friends, "Hey fellas ... if you are nice to women ... respectful to women ... treat them right ... and give them candy and flowers on Valentine's Day, nine times out of ten, they are going to want to date you or want to have sex with you!!"
One of Linda's friends - Brian - listens to Linda's advice. With the next ten women that Brian interacts with, he flatters them excessively ... tells them entertaining jokes ... spends money on them by taking them out to lunch and dinner ... gives them free tickets to movie concerts ... and basically puts them on a pedestal. What is the end result? One of the women that Brian interacted with - let's call her Diane - says to Brian one day, "Brian ... you are a GREAT GUY ... you will probably make SOME OTHER WOMAN a great boyfriend. But ... I have to be frank with you. I just do not feel like there is any romantic or sexual chemistry between us two at all." The other nine women who Brian interacted with in addition to Diane essentially express a variation of the exact same sentiments. End result: Brian is "friend-zoned."
At this point, did Diane (or Linda) do anything "wrong?" Well ... not yet. All women have the right to choose who they want to interact with romantically and sexually. Let me make that perfectly clear.
The "problem" comes when a guy like Brian observes Diane and Linda interacting with men who use crass, profane language ... and who generally do not conduct themselves as a "polite gentleman." These guys are more of the proverbial 'bad boy' and 'jerk' type. These men are not spending any money on these women (Diane is even treating one or more of these men out to dinner, while Linda lets a number of these men drive the new car her father just bought her), and they are not expressing much flattery to these women. Some of these men regularly refer to Diane and Linda as "hos" and "bitches," but instead of getting 'offended,' these two women giggle in response to the bad boys' hardcore street terminology.
How do you think Brian feels now?
Step #1: Brian is confused. His mother and his good friend Linda told him that if he was a 'nice guy' toward women, he would experience romantic and sexual success with women. Up to this point, he has not;
Step #2: Brian's confusion turns to disappointment and frustration when he interacts with woman after woman after woman, and just about all of them either treat him like a purely platonic friend, or worse, completely ignore him;
Step #3: Brian's disappointment and frustration transforms into anger ... even rage ... when he observes women like Diane and Linda favoring the "jerk" types and foul-mouthed 'bad boy" types for sex instead of the more flattering, entertaining, well-mannered "nice guy" types like himself;
Step #4: When Brian goes on Facebook, Twitter, and various internet message boards to whine and complain about his frustrations over women's "mixed messages," other men call him a "loser," a "creep," a "virgin," and a "Beta male." Many of the women do the same thing, only they add on the term "misogynist."
Step #5: Brian experiences an egotistical and emotional downward spiral into what I refer to as "The Mode Four Zone." If he has access to weapons (e.g., guns, knives, etc.), and he does not see his prospects for romantic and sexual success improving anytime soon, he is going to transform into the next Elliot Rodger or George Sodini.
Many times, in-between Step #3 and Step #4, he will seek out the assistance of a professional Pick Up Artist (PUAs), Dating Coach, and/or Seduction Guru. Some might offer him good, solid, valid advice ... and his frustrations soon dissipate and diminish. Other PUA types give him horrible advice (variations of the advice that his mother and/or Linda gave him), and he still ends up romantically and sexually frustrated.
I really do not like to be a man and columnist who says, "I told you so," but the reality is, I did. I have been discussing 'The Mode Four Zone' since the early-to-mid 1990s. I have discussed Mode Four Behavior in at least two or three of the previous articles in this column. Rodgers himself categorized himself as a "nice guy" and "polite gentleman" to women in many of his message board posts and videos.
"Alan ... are you suggesting that women are to blame for what Elliot Rodger did??"
My honest answer is for the most part, NO ... but to a small degree, YES.
If you are a woman who does not exhibit the type of behavior that my fictional "Diane" and "Lisa" does ... then no. I have no criticisms of your type of woman at all.
But if you are the type of woman who is guilty of telling men that if they do "XYZ," they will experience more romantic and sexual success with women ... but you know damn well that even you yourself is not attracted to a man who exhibits XYZ behavior ... then yes, I am putting some of the blame on YOU. Particularly, if you go on message boards, Facebook, and Twitter, and call the "Brians" and "Elliots" of the world "losers" and "creeps." Hurling insults does not prevent a "Brian" type from becoming the next Elliot Rodger.
(and to be fair, I tell the same thing to men: If you mislead a woman, and give her the impression that she is your 'girlfriend,' and she is the only woman you are having sex with ... but behind her back, you are having sex with four or five additional women ... do not be surprised when that woman's 'crazy' side is unleashed and she stabs you or shoots you. Do you deserve physical violence? No, of course not. Did you attract 'bad karma' to yourself? Yes, you did.)
I wrote a warning message back in late 2010 on PUAhate.com, the same message board that Rodger posted on. I told these men that a small percentage of them - based on their posts on the forum - were going to become the nation's next serial rapist or serial killer of women.
The men there called me names, said I was trying to be the "Black Dr. Phil," reminded me that I was not a licensed or credentialed psychiatrist or psychologist, and that I was guilty of "fear-mongering" in order to motive the young guys to buy my paperbacks and eBooks.
Now, six dead people later, some of those same critics have written me privately and said, "Damn Alan. You were right. You said there would be another George Sodini-type incident, but people treated you like a joke. You predicted this Elliot Rodger scenario three or four years ago."
I sure did. I told you so.
The scary part? This is not the end. This is only THE BEGINNING.
Be afraid. Be very afraid. There are literally hundreds, if not thousands of "Brian" types slowly making their way into 'The Mode Four Zone.' Emotional time bombs waiting to explode.
Quick advice to young, sexually frustrated men: Be real. Be authentic. Do not try to be "nice." That is a facade, and an ineffective facade at that. Some women who you are open and straightforwardly honest with about your desire to have sex with them will reciprocate your desires and interests. Other women will flat-out reject your desires and interests. Accept the rejection and move on. Do not try to 'trick" women into bed or mislead and manipulate women into bed. When that backfires, you are going to feel incredibly frustrated over the time and money you wasted.
If you are a young man reading this article ... and you feel like you are a "Brian" type, contact me.
To the others, become more objective in your thinking, and quit ridiculing young men (or older men) who do not exhibit the behavior that you would like them to. These men do not need to be called a "loser" or a "creep." They need genuine help.
Elliot Rodger needed help. Not insults.
Alan Roger Currie is the author of a number of books, including Mode One: Let the Women Know What You're REALLY Thinking and Oooooh . . . Say it Again: Mastering the Fine Art of Verbal Seduction and Aural Sex. Currie's latest eBook, The Possibility of Sex: How Naive and Lustful Men are Manipulated by Women Regularly is also available exclusively on Amazon.com in their Kindle format. You can also download a copy of Currie's eBook on your iPhone, Android Smartphone, or other Smartphone.
Upfront & Straightforward with Alan Roger Currie, the most-listened to talk radio podcast program in the category of "Romance" and "Self-Help for Relationships" on the BlogTalkRadio Internet Radio Network, can be heard LIVE every Thursday evening at 10:00pm EST / 7:00pm PST. Visit http://www.blogtalkradio.com/modeone and http://modeone.net for more details
Currie offers email, telephone, and Skype consultations to both men and women; Visit http://modeone.net/products to purchase a consultation. Alan Roger Currie's press release about the Elliot Rodger killing spree.