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Beat Relationship D'eja 'Vu

Dear Broken Hearted Girl,

When you begin dating again after a break up, it’s easy to fall into the same dating rut with a new person. This could be because the individual you’re dating is a mirror image of your ex, or because you are acting out the same relationship that you had with your ex. For example, he may mirror your ex in looks, actions, personal beliefs and motivations. So if you used to date an alcoholic and your new boyfriend is an alcoholic, you may be attracted to someone you need to take care of. If you used to date a control freak and now you’re dating another one, you may be attracted to men that are overbearing and insecure about your activities when he is not around.

Be careful Broken Hearted Girl. If things start going down a path that you’re very familiar with (the same path you went down with your ex), use your head and not your heart. Here are some things you can do to beat relationship deja vu.

Pay attention to your friends’ and family’s reactions to your new beau. If they tell you that he may not be good for you, listen to them! They were there for your last relationship – if they see red flags, pay attention. Love is blind, but you don’t have to be. Your friends and family can be a great resource as “relationship barometers.” They only want the best for you, so try to listen and keep an open mind.

Talk to him. If he’s creating issues in your relationship, tell him. For example, if he’s an alcoholic or control freak, you can try to speak with him about your feelings and see if you can work it out. Try to keep an open mind and listen to him if he does open up. If he’s having trouble opening up or addressing the issues, you may want to reconsider dating him. Communication is key in a relationship. If he can’t communicate openly and honestly, then there may be nothing but trouble in your future.

Check yourself before you wreck yourself. Maybe you’re the reason why your last relationship didn’t work out. What did your ex say when he dumped you? Did he say something constructive like, “You don’t pay enough attention to me?” If so, then you may want to check yourself – are you paying enough attention to your new beau? If you are not, what kind of work do you have to do in order to change your actions. If you were insecure in your last relationship, then think about it. Do you need to concentrate on yourself more? Does your entire world center around him? Do you smother him with emails and text messages? Think about how you can work through your own problems to make your relationship a better one.

Don’t make the same mistakes you made in your last relationship:

If you tend to date the same ‘type’ of guy, use your Breakup Workbook to figure out why you do it and take steps to change your way of thinking when it comes to relationships.
If you feel that he has a problem, whatever it may be – talk to him about it! Communication is key.
If you feel that you may be the problem, think about your relationship with your ex. Take the steps necessary to change your behavior so you don’t also sabatoge this new relationship.