Some members of the Author's family
There is a misconception that once you become a parent, you cease to have individual wants or needs. Just a generation ago, it would have been unfathomable to find a woman believing she had the right to time and privacy for herself. Due to societal norms and the structure of the family at that time, it was simply unheard of for parents, especially mothers, to have personal time and space.
Today, in the United States, most mothers of children, of all ages, have infinitely more choices and options than their mothers and grandmothers did. While some women perform jobs in a workplace, others choose to stay home to manage the children and household.
Likewise, fathers may choose to be the primary caretaker of children and household and their wives are employed outside the home. Lifestyle choices vary, and are not as likely to be judged or criticized if they do not fit what was once considered the “norm”. The days of the “martyred mother” , who only lived for her children; even once they were grown, are now passé . And, good riddance!
Regardless of the choices they make, parents of young, as well as grown, children must make time for themselves, as a couple, or individually. Enjoying time with children is one of the greatest joys of parenthood, but that does not invalidate or discount the need for parents to have their own time to pursue whatever gives them pleasure, relaxation, or individual fulfillment. Parents also need their private time and a chance to be people first, parents second. This is especially true for parents of adult children.
Often, parents find it difficult to turn down requests for time and/or assistance from their adult children, especially when it involves the care of grandchildren. Grandchildren are one of the most wonderful aspects of maturing, and being with them is simply magical. Being older, and hopefully wiser; makes it a uniquely enriching and valuable relationship for the child, as well as for the grandparents. But, it can also be takes its toll. Grandparents should feel entitled to refuse to babysit if they are overwhelmed by conflicts with their other activities, or even if they feel fatigued. Grandchildren are supposed to be enjoyed and not a burden.
If there is a situation which causes an adult child to be living in their parent’s home, the parents should not feel responsible for attending to the same needs they did when their child was younger. Additionally, if there are grandchildren living in the home, boundaries and guidelines should be set. The amount of time spent caring for the grandchildren needs to be discussed and negotiated. Attempting to be “all things, to all people” is a guarantee for resentment and exhaustion. Grown children can cook, clean, and attend to their own needs without parental assistance. It is unhealthy for parents to “baby” adult children and treat them as if they are not capable or responsible adults. It is natural to enjoy doing things as a family, so long as everyone is doing a fair share of the work. Parents of adult children need to be confident in their right to have time to enjoy the fruits of their labors and to pursue the dreams they may have put off for many years when they were raising their own children.
The Hands-on Guide to Surviving Adult Children Living at Home by Christina Newberry
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Comments
Diana, I've been enjoying your columns, but I think they'd be a lot more interesting if you could include some real-life examples from your family, your friends, or others who have been through whatever your topic is. For every issue you might write about, there's someone who has lived it and can provide their insight on what they did and why it worked, or not. Just saying what should work doesn't have nearly the impact of you saying it happened to you, or someone else doing likewise. Anyway, thanks for the columns, and good luck as you continue!
Because our circumstances took us far from family, we were too far from our extended family to have to fuss about how much or little time to devote to each other. And our home only became multigenerational when my mother moved in while she was in hospice. It was a lovely time, one that bestowed great blessings on my kids. I hope I'll live close enough to my grandchildren to babysit, and long enough to be a burden to my children!
Mary, that's a lovely story. And a fabulous ambition to have! I hope you attain both parts of it.
My father isn't getting any younger, and that's the truth! It's interesting how he now gets along with my children. He's growing younger while they're getting older! Keep up the great articles.
Very good article with sound advice. The concept of multi-generational family is very prominent within Cuban-American families. Interesting how roles shift from being the 'child' to becoming caretaker of the 'parents'. I'm experiencing that with my own mother (not living with us but traveling back and forth to help her (she has emphysema). :-)
Susan, I think that's a great suggestion! Diana, there is a lot of richness you could add to your articles by becoming more personal. I know it can be scary as a writer to put yourself out there in that way, but you have much to offer from your own life.....!!! And your personal stories will create a real intimacy with your readers. This article is very good, and is a great topic so many of us can relate to. I'm a subscriber!
I can tell by the way you write these articles - you have experienced these things either first or second hand. You have a lot of insight and we can benefit from it ... Thanks.
Please write an article about how to stop being a "Martyred Mother". It sounds easy to mock but how does one realistically stop?
Dieser Artikel enthält viel Weisheit und Anerkennung an die ältere Generation. Wir sind auch im Rentenalter und natürlich Großeltern mit vier Enkelkindern. Es macht uns viel Freude, dass wir zeitweise den erwachsenen Kindern in der Familie beistehen können. Wir älteren wissen, dass wir viel bewegen können und erkennen aber auch, dass vieles zurückkommt. Wir freuen uns über die Diskussion, die Diana angestoßen hat, denn es ist nicht nur ein amerikanisches Problem, sondern auch ein Problem in Deutschland. Wir hoffen allerdings, dass wir als Großeltern auch Unterstützung bekommen, wenn es nötig werden sollte.
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