Bad behavior and repeat offenders

My daughter has many toys, and as a rule, they don’t get put away. I’ve told her many times; if they don’t stay in her room, they’re fair game: her brother gets to play with them. I’ve explained this rule to her many, many times; yet, she’s not buying it. She’ll leave something on the living room floor for several days, when suddenly her brother discovers it, reaches for it, and a civil war erupts.

The mere fact that he wants it makes the toy suddenly attractive again, and she wants it back. Now. She wants it back so badly, she’s willing to fight him for it.

Why is it that toys are most attractive when handled by another child? Is it simply the fact that it is out of reach, the way teenage girls will swoon over the most handsome boy just because they can’t have him? If so, this promises trouble down the road; my daughter always wants what she can’t have. Of course, we exacerbate the problem by not giving in every time a new Barbie appears on the market, which is five times a day.

Recently, she added another irritating habit to her repertoire; every time my son picks any toy (his or hers) to play with, she takes it away. She’s bigger and stronger, and usually successful. He starts to scream, because, small as he is, it’s the only weapon he has. Technically, he could hit her, but he doesn’t. This is probably wise. We’ve told her to stop, but it doesn’t make a difference. This song and dance repeats itself at least ten, and up to 20 times a day. “When will it stop?” I ask my husband; all he can do is shake his head.

Sometimes I think that parenting is 80% wishful thinking, and 20 % sheer luck. Having said that, I’m not giving up that easily. In an ideal world, we would tell our children to stop a bad behavior once, maybe twice, and they would listen. In the real world, this is only true 0.1% of the time. Apart from the naughtiness that punishes itself (“don’t touch the hot stove!”), children seem to learn by repetition only. A lot of repetition. They must repeat bad behavior, we must repeat telling them to knock it off. All we can do is wait until they finally get tired of hearing us say the same thing; which doesn’t happen until long after we get tired of them misbehaving.

I could, of course, collect all the toys and lock them up somewhere, but then they’d fight over who gets to use the toothpaste first, or who gets to have the bunny towel after the bath. Maybe I could blindfold them both, so they can’t see what the other one is doing. On the other hand, at least they are learning to stand up for themselves, which has to count for something. I just wish they would learn it a little faster.

Happy Mother's Day, everybody.

For more info on learning through repetition, check out Univ. or Michigan, Franz Rasch, or read The role of repetition in learning