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'Bachelor Pad' recap: Dave Good and Jesse Kovacs bromance survives couples cut

Dave Good: “We’ve done good together. We’ve worked hard together.”
Jesse Kovacs: “The plan was to not have a plan. Mission accomplished.”

Not quite. Their main plan was to keep each other around and — despite the obvious jealousy of Natalie Getz and Elizabeth Kitt — they are still together. Occasionally even in bed together. And d-bag dancing together.

These two will outlast Trista and Ryan Sutter. Believe it.

Unfortunately, with the Episode 5 losses of Jesse Beck, Peyton Wright, Nikki Kappke, Gwen Gioia and Ashley Elmore, only the obnoxious people are left on Bachelor Pad.”

It’s hard for me to even decide which couple I like least.

Natalie/Dave: The sleazy Vegas lounge lizard couple. He’s the biggest narcissist. She’s the house flirt who dreams of a fairy tale life with Dave that has zero chance of ever happening. According to Reality Steve, they have already broken up.

Elizabeth/Kovacs: She’s a game-playing bunny boiler and he’s the dim bulb who’s thinking with his Little Kovacs instead of his brain. According to Reality Steve, they aren’t together anymore either. Take a minute to stagger back from that shocker.

Tenley/Kiptyn:
Fake. Manipulative. Boring. I think I’m going to have to vote for them as the worst, just because everyone seems to see Elizabeth, Kovacs, Natalie and Dave as the strategic power players while ignoring that “sweet, innocent” Tenley and “good guy” Kiptyn are the ones controlling the game for their own selfish purposes. If they were honest about it, it would be one thing.

The whole two-hour episode was a bunch of build-up to obvious decisions.

Ashley, Gwen and Nikki had no chance to defend themselves. As if this show doesn’t hate women enough, these three ladies had to stand there while the four guys offered kisses to save the ladies of their choice.

Kiptyn chose to save Tenley? Shocking! Kovacs saved Elizabeth? Shocking! Jesse saved Peyton? Shocking! Dave saved Natalie? Shocking!

What really sucks is most of those couples — Kovacs/Elizabeth, Dave/Natalie and Kiptyn/Tenley — already knew each other before the show started.

Who were they trying to kid with that nonsense about them struggling with their decisions?

Like the end. We all knew after Dave and Natalie won that hilariously serious water balloon contest that Peyton and Jesse were toast.

Everyone knew.

So they had to try and pull some classic ABC manipulation to keep us watching for the rest of the hour and a half.

It was Tenley’s idea to get rid of Elizabeth and Kovacs, but she didn’t want anyone to see it that way because it would out her as something closer to the Wicked Witch than Dorothy.

Natalie wanted to get rid of Kovacs, but that was never going to happen. The bromance, you see. She should’ve volunteered Tenley and Kiptyn as the couple to go, but she has her own “woman code” going on with Tenley.

It was always going to be Peyton and Jesse.

At this point I have no one to root for on “Bachelor Pad.” The best I can hope for is to watch my favorite “Dancing with the Stars” pros teaching these fools how to dance.

We get to see them — and DWTS alumnus Jake Pavelka — next week. Then we have the live finale where I HOPE TO GOD the eliminated contestants rip the finalists to shreds.

Catch up on my Bachelor Pad/Bachelor/Bachelorette stories here.

Want to fast-forward to the final four? Check out the spoilers here.

**Stream of consciousness recap**

Once again we pick up right where last week left off.

Kovacs is not sad to see Krisily go.

The only down side is she’s the last annoying person to send home.

What a gentleman.

Thank you, Nikki. For once she had a good thing to say. She defends Krisily, saying she has every right to be upset.

Dave defends himself, saying it was true what he told Krisily before she was voted off. Things changed and he didn’t update her, but he doesn’t want to be blamed. Child.

Gwen wears a rose on her chest. She feels by herself since she’s not in a couple.

What about Ashley? She’s in the same boat. Sometimes I forget that Ashley is here.

**

Chris Harrison comes in and drops the bomb that 3 girls are going to have to leave.

The girls all have to pack.

Elizabeth doesn’t want to leave without knowing how Kovacs feels about her. How is it not obvious by now?

Everyone is freaking out, blah blah blah.

Natalie hasn’t won a competition yet.

Dave is worried because he’s been strategizing to keep certain people around.

Tenley is worried about losing her romance with Kiptyn.

Spin the bottle! This really is high school.

They will be competing as couples. Each guy picks a girl, the rest of them will go home.

This whole show has been rigged for the people who already know each other -- except for Jesse and Peyton, who happened to have a connection. Kiptyn/Tenley, Dave/Natalie, Kovacs/Elizabeth already knew each other.

Kiptyn is first. He pretends this decision is going to be tough. As if it’s really down to Nikki and Tenley. It’s Tenley.

Nikki thinks it’s going to be her? You’re joking.

He paces back and forth in front of the girls.

Tenley, will you accept this kiss?

This is going to go exactly the way we thought it would.

Nikki felt betrayed. Kiptyn showed his true colors. Yeah. Rainbows.

Kovacs is next. He and Elizabeth have been dating for 6 months. Everyone knows how this is going to go.

The guys keep pretending they aren’t sure what they’re going to do.

Nice try for drama, but it isn’t going to work.

Elizabeth: This is exactly what I wanted, coming into the house.

Jesse B. is next.

Peyton knows her only shot at staying is if Jesse picks her. But she may have screwed herself by not going to the Fantasy Suite with him.

Natalie is worried that he will pick her. Please.

He picks Peyton.

It’s down to Dave. He does the usual not-sure-what-to-do, but obviously he picks Natalie.

The three girls leaving: Nikki, Ashley and Gwen

Poor girls. They deserve better. They had no way to defend themselves.

Elizabeth says it was hard to say goodbye to Ashley, Gwen and Nikki. Not only didn‘t they find money, they didn‘t find love.

Condescending much?

Elizabeth: I could very well be in Gwen’s shoes one day. In my 40s and still wanting love to find me again.

Ouch! She’s 39.

**

Kovacs has a “steel trap” for a memory, but dumb smart girl Elizabeth can’t even remember the name of the pill she takes to remember things.

Elizabeth: Ginka loba? I can’t even remember what it’s called!

Yes. And he PICKED HER to save. What a champion.

Natalie is excited for Dave to be her partner. She’s totally into Dave. He’s a man.

Ugh.

She’s excited to see where their relationship is going.

Natalie: We get that close, I’ll high-five your ass.

She thinks this is going to be a happily ever after story. Right.

They poke fun at Tenley and Kiptyn, as we all should.

Tenley and Kiptyn feel free in the house to eat each other’s faces.

She loves kissing him. Ick.

Tenley: Kissing is fun. And Kiptyn is fun. ‘Cause we are Kip-Ten.

MAKE IT STOP.

Everyone is excited about their partnership except for Peyton.

Jesse: I really want you to eat a banana right now.

Ewww. Are you serious?

She doesn’t want to win the money with someone like Jesse B. on her side.

Jesse: This is how monkeys do it. They’re professionals.

Peyton would rather do this on her own.

Was Craig M. right that Jesse B. is a good-looking guy but that’s all?

**

It’s the first couples competition.

They have to compete as couples from now on.

They have to play catch with water balloons.

Natalie: I can’t believe that me winning a quarter million dollars relies on whether I do or do not catch a water balloon.

No stranger than whether you do or not win Twister, a pie-eating contest or a kissing contest.

Everyone is making so much out of this stupid water balloon toss.

Natalie says sometimes the strongest men turn out to be the biggest klutzes.

They keep having to take a step back with each round.

Jesse-to-Peyton marked the first broken balloon. Then they broke again. Down to their last balloon. She dropped the balloon. It broke.

First couple eliminated: Jesse and Peyton.

Peyton felt like she let Jesse down. He’s a good comfort at times like these.

Peyton feels like she just lost $250,000 for herself.

I’m amazed that any of them can catch from that distance.

Tenley and Kiptyn are the next couple to have problems. She is throwing and he is dropping. She’s not throwing well, though.

It’s down to Kovacs/Elizabeth and Dave/Natalie.

Elizabeth has missed two in a row. She’s there to help Kovacs win, not ruin his chances of winning.

But that’s all she’s done so far at every step!

She dropped it.

She let him down. I suspect more tears will come.

Dave and Natalie just had to complete one successful toss to win.

I do not like them one bit.

I love the intense music. It’s so ridiculous.

Natalie’s happy. She’s been happy twice today. She sounds like a kindergartener.

Peyton is tearing up because she knows she and Jesse are the most likely to go home this week.

**

Dave and Natalie are congratulating themselves.

The win was “epic,” Dave claims.

Jesse is comforting Peyton. He’s a good little bro sometimes.

They are sweet about both taking the blame.

Jesse always has a smile on his face and she knew he would never blame her. She’s taking it personally, though.

They know they are going home.

I like them.

Tenley and Natalie are talking. Who is a bigger threat, Kovacs or Jesse?

Tenley says Kovacs is the most “relational” challenge because Elizabeth and Kovacs have known each other the most time.

It put the idea in Natalie’s head that maybe Elizabeth and Kovacs would be the better team to vote out.

Tenley is as manipulative and strategic as Kiptyn. She is learning. (Excuse me, Kip-Ten.)

Peyton and Natalie are talking. She said Elizabeth and Tenley aren’t saying a word to her.

Peyton said the six of them are the closest friends right now.

Natalie said that’s not true.

Natalie: To be honest with you, Elizabeth and I never hung out before we came here. She just didn’t seem like the type of girl I’d hang out with.

Elizabeth and Kovacs are a threat, she tells Peyton.

Peyton knows she says that, but Kovacs and Dave are such good friends.

Natalie thinks Dave is a strategic player and will have no problem voting out Kovacs.

HA! Kovacs and Dave are the real couple. Make no mistake.

**

Dave/Natalie date card arrives: “Spend the night together under the stars.”

Tenley: Oh my gosh, what if you’re going in a rocket.

Are you high?

Natalie keeps going on about the levels of her relationship with Dave. She’s the new Elizabeth.

You never hear him talking about Natalie other than the fact that she’s “fun.” He talks much more about his “boy,” Kovacs.

Elizabeth and Kovacs see a bright yellow Lamborghini in the driveway.

He sits in the drivers seat.

Elizabeth: I like it when a man’s in control.

It’s for Dave and Natalie.

Just think, she says, this could’ve been theirs if she could catch. Nice.

But she wants to be the first couple to make out in the car.

Kovacs: Done.

Ha.

Kovacs knows Elizabeth wants more from him than he wants from her.

Kovacs: If a girl catches a bad case of Kovacs, so be it.

WTF does that even mean?

Dave grew up working on cars. He’s excited to drive a “lambo.”

Natalie: Dave is a hot, hot specimen and he somehow got a lot hotter driving me around in that Lamborghini.

Not seeing it. Man code Dave does nothing for me.

This is one long car commercial.

Natalie says there’s never a dull moment with Dave. She could get used to this, etc.

Remember when she said Jesse B. was “perfect.”

**

Tenley asks if Dave and Natalie will “seal the deal” on this date. She’s so tacky.

Awkward moment where Tenley says it must be nice for them to know they are in the top group.

Jesse was like “You tell us.”

It’s true.

Jesse knows they are safe.

Peyton and Jesse talk about how Natalie wants to dump Kovacs/Elizabeth. Why not dump Tenley/Kiptyn? Dave is not as close to Kiptyn.

**

Dave and Natalie pull up to a cliff. Just get close to the edge…

Now Natalie is posing on top of the car. Ick.

Natalie wants to take the next step in their relationship that night. So does that mean they did not, uh, do it after the topless pool in Vegas?

Dave calls her smart, witty and beautiful.

Dave says she’s the kind of girl he could see himself with.

At night, Dave and Natalie pull up to the same mansion where Jason and Molly fell in love.

Wait, after Jason fell in love with Melissa?

Natalie brings up the fact that Jason and Molly had a camping date and then got married.

Dave looks a little scared.

Dave wants to start a company in Tampa.

Natalie wants to get rid of her student loan debt. She also wants to send her parents on a trip around the world. That’s nice.

Natalie wants fairy tales. She was loved in life and thinks everything should be perfect.

Dave’s parents got divorced when he was 9. He was a Daddy’s boy and it was hard to leave him. From 9 to 14 or 15 he was a little hellion.

Dave and his dad got into an argument and they said the meanest things to each other and went way overboard.

That does sound like Dave. He needs to learn to watch his temper.

His dad called him worthless? Dave threw a chair through a wall? Nice family time.

Maybe stop drinking?

Don’t let Dave have kids.

Natalie feels sorry for him. She calls him one of the most amazing men she’s ever met. She also said that about Jesse, just FYI.

Dave said Natalie always knows what to say. What, compliments? Empty flattery? Let’s go into the hot tub?

Natalie wants to remain in this moment with Dave forever.

**

Tenley doesn’t want to go back to real life. She thinks things might be different for her and Kiptyn.

He says it won’t be like that.

I’m going to be sick.

Kiptyn calls her a beautiful, fun girl.

She’s talking about how much she loves kissing him. This is so awkward and painful to watch.

**

Back to Natalie and Dave. He wants to talk strategy.

Natalie is making her pitch to get rid of Kovacs and Elizabeth.

Dave thinks he could beat Kovacs in the finals.

She said they could win relationship challenges.

Dave said he and Kovacs made a pact that they’d get each other to the end, no matter who else was there.

There’s no breaking this.

**

Now it’s Kovacs in a hat and Elizabeth. Someone should cover up her awful dye job.

She talks about when they met. She saw him and knew she wanted something serious with him.

She wants to sneak into the Fantasy Suite.

They are going to make up their own date.

Elizabeth: Screw Dave and Natalie.

Don’t give him any ideas about screwing Dave.

They draw a bubble bath.

Without any other distractions? Except the cameras, right?

Why do we have to watch them under the covers?

Kovacs asks what she wants to do.

Kovacs: Do you want to get naked? If you do, that’s cool. Whatever. Is that awesome or is that …?

Elizabeth: Well it’s awesome if we’re in love and we’re making love but if it’s just railing then no it’s not cool.

Railing? Is that what the kids are calling it these days?

She wants romance. He wants nookie.

Once again, Tenley is playing spy. She’s learned nothing from her Michelle rumors.

I can’t stand this girl.

Tenley says it’s not a rumor since she’s gotten in trouble before.

Tenley: The lights are on and it smells good.

Jesse: Oh, they’re [bleep]ing.

We're calling it "railing," Jesse.

**

Back to the Fantasy Suite, where it’s dark.

Elizabeth: I feel kind of like a stupid girl. What am I doing? I don’t see you going out of your way to do romantic things for me or take advantage of them when we get the opportunities.

Kovacs: What did we just do tonight?

Elizabeth: You got laid.

Kovacs doesn’t know what she wants him to do. What is she saying? What does she want?

She feels like it’s all her and it sucks.

What about last week when he comforted you about your bad boob job? And this Fantasy Suite thing was her idea.

She feels like she should be putting up as big a fight as she puts up for the $250K.

Elizabeth: $250,000 is a lot of money but I feel like I’m worth way more than that.

Nope.

She is emotionally exhausting.

**

The next morning.

Elizabeth: Are you mad at me?
Kovacs: Nope.

Translation: Hell yeah. You’re nuts and I’m tired of your bunny boiler games.

Dave is in love with the car and Kovacs, in that order. He likes Natalie.

Dave wants to know why Kovacs and Elizabeth are in the Fantasy Suite.

He jumps in bed with Kovacs. You knew it was only a matter of time!

This bromance will live forever!

Dave said his relationship with Kovacs is hilarious.

He uses the word “relationship” with him.

It’s love. You know it.

They talk about strategy. Kovacs thinks they are all on the same page. JB and Peyton going home.

Dave talks about how when he saw Kovacs walk into the house he figured they could get far.

Dave can’t stop staring at Kovacs.

Dave: We’ve done good together. We’ve worked hard together.

They came up with a plan and they’ve stuck with it.

Kovacs: The plan was to not have a plan. Mission accomplished.

Lies. Your plan was to build your bromance.

**

Natalie talks to Peyton to try and convince Tenley and Kiptyn that she is not a threat.

Natalie wants Kovacs and Elizabeth gone. She’s not fooling anyone. She’s just jealous of Kovacs.

Peyton talks to Tenley. Tenley says Elizabeth and Kovacs are more powerful. She thinks they could beat them in the end.

Tenley says Peyton is on to something. But wait. This was really Tenley’s idea. She’s just trying to make it seem like it wasn’t her idea to break up her friends.

The loyalty between Kiptyn, Dave and Kovacs is so strong, so she has to be careful.

Kiptyn is so much on the fence. He’s not sure what to do.

Kiptyn agrees that Kovacs and Elizabeth would be tough to beat.

Why isn’t anyone ready to vote out Tenley and Kiptyn?

**

Peyton believes the tide is turning in her favor. She thinks Natalie can convince Dave to keep her and Jesse.

Kovacs has done the math. He believes he and Elizabeth are safe.

Natalie sits with Dave. Natalie wants to get rid of Kovacs. He can’t send Kovacs home.

She believes they have one vote together as a couple.

Chris Harrison calls everyone in.

They will be voted off as a couple, but they won’t be voting as a couple.

Each person has to pull out the pic of the couple they want to leave the house.

That means 8 votes are up for grabs, not just 4.

Dave believes it’s going to be a landslide for Peyton and Jesse B. to go home.

Tenley and Natalie are talking. Natalie says the individual votes change everything for their advantage.

Kiptyn, Natalie and Tenley can team up against Elizabeth and Kovacs. That’s what Tenley wants to do.

Natalie: I don’t give a [bleep] about the pact. We have a pact. Women code.

Tenley says the point of the game is to be selfish and think about yourself first.

I have a feeling she’s used to that.

Natalie, you know Dave is going to be ticked.

Peyton feels like she can trust Natalie and Tenley. Jesse is going to have his own conversation with Kiptyn to dump Elizabeth.

So here’s Jesse talking to Kiptyn. Kip says Elizabeth and Kovacs are the toughest team there.

Jesse says Kip will be the next guy out.

Kiptyn says there’s the strategic play vs. the loyal play. Good strategy would mean keeping Jesse. Jesse says he will not vote him off next week. The loyal vote is to stick with Kovacs and Elizabeth.

Kovacs finally realizes he and Elizabeth could be going home.

So once again it’s going to come down to Kiptyn’s vote. He is The Godfather of Bachelor Pad.

**

Tenley and Kiptyn are safe.

Two roses are left.

Elizabeth and Kovacs are safe.

So it was down to Peyton and Jesse all the time. All that build up for nothing.

Jesse complimented Peyton and called some of the people in the house fake.

Natalie says she couldn’t go against Dave’s trust.

Jesse said he wouldn’t change a thing. Natalie and Kiptyn stabbed them in the back by giving them false hope.

He has zero respect for that. He feels those people are fairly fake.

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