Lush green forests, traipsing monkeys, multi-storied waterfalls. This would be more fun if it were a new trailer for The Hunger Games. Instead, it's a new episode of The Bachelor, and Bachelor Ben and the ladies have taken off for Panama, not Panem.
A lot of things are not explained in this episode. Why is Ben driving an all-terrain vehicle to the hotel? Why is Courtney still harping on her skinnydipping excursion? Why does the Trump Ocean Club look so much like a vagina? But on to the dates!
One-on-one with Kacie B.
There are some tragic fasion decisions on this date. Kacie B. takes off her adorable red chucks to go to a deserted island. And Ben wears some awkward orange color block swim trunks.
The two take off in yet another helicopter ride (only in Bachelor-world do helicopter rides become mundane) to an deserted island, where they are COMPLETELY ALONE - except for their camera crew. Their goal...not to starve for a whole day. "Will our love survive?" frets Ben. Again, this would be more fun if it were The Hunger Games.
They've each brought three things to help them survive. Kacie B. brings: A green monkey. A corkscrew (with a knife). A bag of candy. Ben brings: Machete. Fishing net. Matches. Either Ben is a super Boy Scout, or the producers had a hand in it. Anyway, the pair charmingly fishes, chops open a coconut and drinks some champagne which they accio'ed over from the mainland. Oh, Kacie B. Your corkscrew could not have been more useless.
Then, the duo dresses up fancy for a date on the mainland. How did they escape the island? Presumably, they swam back for their dinner date in Panama City. Kacie B. confides in Ben about a high school eating disorder. He is understanding. They kiss. It's actually pretty cute. If Kacie B. doesn't get picked, then she's definitely the next Bachelorette.
Group date, island-style
"I don't need a woman who necessarily enjoys traveling down jungle rivers," says Ben, realistically, before preparing the ladies to do just that. He sails a hollowed-out tree canoe with a motor. "He is such a man's man," gushes a forgetable brunette. Good thing he didn't wear the color block swim trunks today.
They are taking in the jungle scenery when they spot some children playing soccer in loincloths. From there, the date takes a weirdly colonialist turn as they meet with the natives and participate in "cultural" activities. As they dress, the village women encourage the girls to bare their chests. Courtney, who never does anything "half-ass" (translation: more clothed than necessary), follows thair lead. Naturally the girls are bitches about that, but Ben approves. "I apreciated that. In more than one way," he admits. He may be The Bachelor, but he is still a man.
Then, they magically appear in a posh Panama bar. Do they not have fancy helicopter rides or logs with engines for the way home?
Anyway, the girls try and get his attention and despite Courtney's distracting bikini, he gives the rose to Lindzi. Also, Emily tries to apologize and make peace with Courtney, but she's having none of it. She refuses to accept the apology because "I don't fricking forget." Things get tense and Ben comes over.
"Did I miss something?" he asks.
"Girl talk." Shhhhh. Remember girls, we hide our flaws until after the wedding.
Two-on-one with Blakely Boobs and Rachel
"What do you think it's going to be like?" asks one of the girls when they realize Blakely Boobs and Rachel will be on the dreaded two-on-one date. "Awkward." "Amazing!" anser Rachel and Boobs respectively. Which sets the tone for the rest of the date. Boobs is amazingly confident but needs to take a layer of make-up off. Rachel is there and kind of boring, but blond and inoffensive.
He takes them to learn how to salsa in rejected Quincenera dresses. "Salsa is sweaty and sexual," says Ben. Which is a sweet and non-awkward thing to say about your date with two ladies.
When they get alone time, Boobs gives Ben a borderline creepy collage book she made about their time together. Which most of all ends up demonstrating how forgettable their time together has been. In the end, Ben chooses boring over crazy and Rachel gets to stay.
Some drama with Chris Harrison and Casey S.
All episodes, the promos have hyped a bombshell dropped on Casey S. that leaves her sobbing. Death in the family? Severe illness? Broken nail?
The real answer is, fortunately, not so serious. Some annonymous sources have told Chris Harrison that Casey S. is still in love with a man back home. She reveals that she has an ex she has feelings for who she isn't over, but her plan was to pursue somebody who actually wanted what she wanted, to get married. In the hopes that she would end up happy. Unforgiveable. Chris Harrison insists that she talk to Ben. Ben thinks Casey S. should go home. Casey S. does. She wasn't really that memorable anyway, so nobody is sad.
Unsolved mystery: why wouldn't they let the poor girl put her shoes on?
Somebody had to get eliminated
Jamie, a pretty brunette who nobody has been paying attention to, knows that she's at risk for elimination. She decides to sex it up around Ben as a last resort. First, she awkwardly climbs on top of him, which Ben is "A-okay" with. They share an awkward kiss before she gives him a detailed instruction manual on how she wants him to kiss her - lips closed, then lips open. "That's how kissing usually works," says Ben.
"I'm trying so hard to be very open and vulnerable and just let him have me," says Jamie, who has read too many romance novels about virgins. No matter. Everyone is relieved when Ben sends her home, so they never have to watch another disastrous attempt at physical intimacy from these two again.
Comments