Unwed single Moms are common.
Dear Deborrah:
I am 21 years old and six months pregnant. We haven’t had sex lately and I haven’t seen him in two weeks. But when I saw him on Friday I found a condom in his pocket. Mind you, the two of us don’t use condoms. I know that I'm not his wife, but I am his girlfriend and it wasn’t meant for me to have this baby, it just happened. And no matter what, my unborn child is a blessing to me and my family. When I’m his girlfriend he is not single and neither am I! He cannot do whatever he wants. And just to inform you if I want to have a baby that is my choice and no one else’s. And just as I have a responsibility, he does too! What should I do?
Signed,
Pregnant and Angry
Dear Angry:
The only person you need to be angry at is yourself.
Leaving the condom in his pocket for you to find was his way of telling you that he is out spending time with and sleeping with other women. That means that the committed relationship you thought you had with him is not there. You didn't say how long you and this fella have been dating, but it doesn't sound like it was long enough for you to have meaningful conversations with him about life, goals, love, children and responsibility.
You are very wrong in your assessment of your importance and what he "can’t" do. No matter what you say he can't do, he sure is doing it… right in your face too! No matter how much you jump up and down and go on about being his girlfriend, it's not stopping him from creeping, right? So listen to me very carefully.
Too many young women are making this very, very stupid mistake and ruining their lives. Having a child is a HUGE responsibility, emotionally, financially and physically. It's an exhausting, thankless and draining job that you never get to leave. The fact that you think having a baby out of wedlock is "a blessing" shows how confused you and your family are. It is NOT a blessing by any stretch of the imagination. A child will place you in the position of having to forego many of your dreams, ambitions and fun because you will be tied down with child care and responsibilities.
Not only that, you will have reduced your dating options considerably. Most young men in your age group that are focused, educated and on their way to greatness do NOT want to be saddled down with women that have children by other men. They are adamant about having their OWN children and refuse to take on the responsibility of a "ready made family." Females that have children by other men are viewed as second rate… good for sex but not for love.
You need to understand that until you are married to a man you not much of anything to him. Girlfriend is not wife. That is why you should not have babies by men you are not married to. Ever.
What is on the horizon for you is a baby and a breakup, followed by a relationship with some other guy. You could conceivably end up having his baby too, and so on and so forth. I would hate to see you end up with a bunch of stray kids and baby daddies all over the place, but sadly, that seems to be acceptable behavior for this new generation of women.
Since you are not married, you really have no right to expect much in the way of fidelity or commitment. Those behaviors are covered in the wedding vows that one says at the altar, a place you haven't seen. You have no reason to expect the same rights and privileges a wife receives, nor do you have the right to expect him to act like a husband because HE IS NOT YOUR HUSBAND.
Finally, your claim that "If I want to have a baby that is my choice and no one else's" is exactly my point. You two were silly and created a major problem for yourselves. You should have discussed your relationship, plans for the future, and responsibly participated in using solid birth control methods to prevent pregnancy. Right now he is angry, frustrated and seeking escape in the arms of another woman (or women).
So what you have now is a man that is running away from you. You and this child are the reason he feels boxed in and trapped. YOU wanted the baby YOU would have it whether he wanted it or not, and to me that means its now YOUR PROBLEM. Taking care of it every day will be your problem. Buying it clothes, shoes, food, transporting it to and from day care, staying up with it at night when it is sick, paying for medical care and diapers will also be YOUR PROBLEM.
Consult with a family law attorney to establish physical custody, legal custody, and to arrange a paternity test if the father requests it. Understand that all you can force him to do is pay child support, but you cannot make him spend time with the baby, see you, love you or love the baby either. You need to recognize what time it is and prepare for life as a single parent.
And on those days when you are broke, lonely and exhausted from taking care of a child by yourself, remember that this was your choice and no one else's.
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Comments
Angry: listen up, she speaks the truth. Everything you talk about having with this guy, is reserved for wives, which you are not one. In a perfect world that peice of paper would not be the final word, but this world is as we have made it - NOT PERFECT. It is far past time that the both of you had "The Talk". What he wants what you want, and how to parent this child with a min. of nonsense. In a dream world you would get a ring and fidelity at this point. In this world, voluntary child support, stepping up to be a daddy, and a peaceful co-existance would be Win Win for all. Hope all works out for you, and you child is safe, happy and loved.
Very true about limiting your dating options by having a baby.
In fact, amen to everything Deborrah said!
Pregnant and Angry wrote: "I am his girlfriend and it wasn’t meant for me to have this baby, it just happened."
There are only two times a woman gets pregnant, when she wants to and when she doesn't want to. There is no such thing as 'it just happened'. She did what a lot of girls do, try to trap a man with a baby. It's an age old tactic that almost never works. Even if the guy remains he will feel trapped an trapped animal is happy to be in a cage.
"I am 21 years old and six months pregnant. We haven’t had sex lately and I haven’t seen him in two weeks. But when I saw him on Friday I found a condom in his pocket. Mind you, the two of us don’t use condoms."
Looks like breh, learned from his mistake with you and is now practicing safe sex'. Wonder what you've learned? What were you doing having sex with a guy and not using condoms and apparantely not on birth control either? You wanted to get pregnant. Why do guys and girls do this stupid mistake over and over again? Girls trying to trap a guy with a baby. Guys letting themselves get trapped by not wrapping it up. When are they going to learn.
Author: "The fact that you think having a baby out of wedlock is "a blessing" shows how confused you and your family are. It is NOT a blessing by any stretch of the imagination."
P&A: "my unborn child is a blessing to me and my family."
The unborn child is a blessing, not being pregnant out of wedlock. There is a difference. She's having a hard enough time dealing with a whole lot of stuff. So for the writer to misinterpret was the young lady said, is SAD. Children are a blessing whether you have them married or unmarried; they are never a curse - NEVER!
@ITkPctrs "Children are a blessing whether you have them married or unmarried; they are never a curse - NEVER!"
There are plenty children walking around who were 'cursed' into being born into poverty, emotional, verbal, physical abuse and neglect and all because someone made an unwise choice to get pregnant like this woman did. She is still a kid herself at 21 so what does she know about being a mother. She has just cursed her unborn child to grow up without a father in a fragmented home. child has so many setbacks before he/she is even born. That's not a blessing that's a curse and an unecessary one at that. The pollyiana sentiments 'sound' nice, but realistically speaking that's a curse to her and that child. She is doing that unborn child no favors by cursing it into a life such as she will be giving it when it is born.
Sounds like someone is desperately seeking justification for a situation they willingly placed themselves into - merely based on a great deal of assumptions.
1.) Given the lack of a credible timeframe of the relationship at hand, it is all to easy to see that this is likely to have been a short-term situation left standing nose-to-nose with some long termed consequences (I.E. - an ‘unplanned’ pregnancy). With all the notions of sex demanding common sense, preparation, accountability and responsibility aside, two people decided to act on impulse and gamble with this situation and it has become evident that some crapped out. The male opted to proceed forward, led by the wrong head yet the female in question is not to be absolved of fault as she not only choose poorly (complaining about character issues in her selection after the fact) yet is seeking to play the role of a ‘victim of circumstance’. This is a NO BS Fly Zone over here so just like Plaxxico (sp), -cont.
So, you had irresponsible sex with a dude hoping he would transform into HusbandMan once he knocked you up. Tale as old as time. Why do women keep doing this when it NEVER EVER EVER WORKS?
At what point did you assume he was trying to settle down? What did tell you (and please be specific) that indicated to you that was done sleeping with other women? Did he marry you, or propose marriage? If not, why did you assume that it was time to stop using birth control (if you ever were)?
If you weren't actively trying to prevent a pregnancy when you were having sex, you were in essence actively trying to get pregnant. In an age where women have 12+ forms of birth control, there are no such things as accidental pregnancies anymore.
Moreover, children aren't a blessing or a curse. They are the logical result of not using birth control. they are also a responsibility for (if you do it right) about 22 years. It doesn't sound like either one of you are ready to be parents. At least
cont.- people literally need to aim higher in life and make your shots count.
2.) ‘And just to inform you if I want to have a baby that is my choice and no one else’s.’ -- Defiant Ankle
Well, the female in question does partially have a point as it does take two people (a male & a female - ideal situation, contrary to modern day standards). However, it takes one to give birth to a nation, much less, a child. All the rights and privileges (reproductive and a number of others) are placed into the female’s hands upon conception. The sad reality is that the overtly ignorant and equally impulsive are often the beneficiaries of being compensated for making bad decisions..cont.-
At least he started using condoms now.
Hopefully this will serve as a lesson to other girls your age who arethinking of doing the same thing. If you want your life to work out, you want to be in an established relationship (and by established , I mean married, or at least five years deep in a monogamous relationship), with a home and a career. This is still no guarantee , but you at least give yourself the best chance at success; if a dude has already committed to you through marriage or a good solid chunk of his life, he's already demonstrated that he's got a vested interest in making a life with you. JUST FARTING OUT A KID WILL NOT CAUSE THIS EFFECT. You need to build a nest before you start laying eggs.
So, congratulations on becoming a statistic.
Children do NOT ask to be here yet it has been mentioned that they are often placed in the line of fire (bad situations and unsat parenting, among other afflictions) Children do not ask to become bargaining chips in the pursuit of self-serving agendas nor do they ask to be utilized as unemployment vouchers but….I digress.
‘Better People Make Better Choices’…Period. Point. Blank.
You are regarded highly when you give birth to a child as a married couple. It is respectable! I don't like seeing young people playing family! It's irresponsible sex! Kids deserve so much more! Women, you are good enough to become a man's wife not just his baby mama! Love yourselves better!
If you engage in unprotected sex you are planning for a baby, an std, HIV or all of the above. I wish you single females would take some accountability and responsibility for your failure and poor decisions! Stop expecting baby daddies and boyfriends to be husbands & fathers as soon as you made the decision to have unprotected sex with a man you proved you are not worthy of marriage, respect and you make a mockery of womanhood and motherhood!
It works both ways. Men need to wear a condom and women need to be responsible and use birth control. it isnt just women who need to take responsiblitiy if an unplanned pregnancy should occur. Men should step up and take resonsiblitiy for themselves and us a condom if they dont want a kid. Men make poor decisions when they don't use a condom. It isn't all the womans fault. It takes two people to make a baby, a man and a women. Men need to be just as responsible as women do.
Ah, another woman who made the wrong decision, chose unwisely, thought she was 'strong and independent' and now has to live with that choice for 18+ years.
I'd feel bad, but honestly, I'm smiling and enjoying my child free life, like many sane men in the world.
BTW, you're going to be a single mother- NO more partying, hanging with the girls and living a free life. Your same mother and female supporters will now be your babysitters and you had the child at the most fertile years of your life...expect to go downhill and be low on the dating and relationship totem pole. Single moms are good for hit it and quit it, NOT relationships.
It's YOUR body and YOUR choice to ignore the 17 different methods of birth control. It's also your man's choice to watch you have the child, give you the money you want, and go on with his life.
Your choices had consequences, time for you to face them.
The typical young american woman of today wants to mate with a "bad boy", pop out his kid, and then a few years later con a "Mr. Nice Guy" into rescuing her and raising the OOW children the bad boy deserted.
And pay all the bills.
No thank you. I will not subject myself to these shallow, irresponsible women.
Why is there so much hate towards single moms?
Yous sound like devout catholics or christians that have never done anythin wrong in your whole life. esp when you talk on the matter of pre marital sex..Yes I agree that its silly to not use any form of protection as in our country its usually free or subsidised so its thre for the taking. But little can be promoted on that cuz your preg now so for future reference.
Also Marriage shouldnt be rushed but happen when both people are ready and truly hav found their soulmate.. Marrige doesnt equate to perfect and happily ever after, divorce rates are increasingly high and with kids affected in custody battles etc Id probabaly be happier off being a single mom too.
'She is doing that unborn child no favors by cursing it into a life such as she will be giving it when it is born'
I think this is a harsh judgment on a girl who you dont even know, whos to say this girl wont be a good mom and raise a great kid.. There are many celebrities in the eye of media single moms and unwed parents who have not be blasted for being so i.e. Ang & Brad, Kate Hudson, Resse W.. but then they all have money to back themup but in saying so they have that single mom/unwed mom commonality and There have been many great people of our world that have been raised by single moms/dads and are a tribute to their raising i.e Alicia keys, Barack Obama, Michael Phelps - Olympic Gold Medalist, Julia Roberts and many more.
So goodluck and no doubt youll be a great mom and have a beautiful baby=).x.
I agree with ITkPctrs "Children are a blessing whether you have them married or unmarried;
they are never a curse - NEVER!"
and Broadway with your
"She is still a kid herself at 21 so what does she know about being a mother.
She has just cursed her unborn child to grow up without a father in a fragmented home"
I know some wonderful young mothers who are great and older mothers, age is but a number and
what does any first time mom at any age know about being a mom, theres no handbook to tell you
what to do when to do how to do, life is a lesson in itself and you learn something new everyday
AND
Like I mentioned in my other comment about great people raised by single mothers without fathers!
And having both parents isnt always better off as a couple may argue 24/7 and a child is better
raised in 2 separate loving environments then one chaotic one.
@So Sad you wrote:
"I know some wonderful young mothers who are great and older mothers, age is but a number and
what does any first time mom at any age know about being a mom, theres no handbook to tell you
what to do when to do how to do, life is a lesson in itself and you learn something new everyday'
See this is the problem Broadway probably was referring to. Young moms not having sense enough to pick up parenting books to learn how to parent. Yes there are books out there that teach you how to parent. It is a learned behavior. But how many young moms are mature enough to seek out information for what they don't know? There are parenting classes too. There is no need for a young mom or any mom for that matter in this age of internet where information is falling out of the sky to be stumbling along in the dark not knowing how to parent. No excuse and your non existent point proves that this child is cursed to be with a parent who doesn't know squat about parenting.
So Sad
"Why is there so much hate towards single moms?"
Because most cost to darn much money on the tax payers, don't half raise their kids right to be responsible citizens. Most have kids that will end up not contributing to society. Single moms like Obama had are exceptions to the rule. By and large most fall way beyond the type of mother he had including this one in the story.
Guys jumping on the high horse talking about women 'trapping men into being baby daddies' getting pregnant trying to get a man. Please take responsibility for where you choose to deposit your sperm. If men decide to wrap up their shyt BEFORE having sex with a woman, no sperm will ever meet an egg so no baby will ever be born. That man wouldn't be a daddy if he chose to wear a condom. A woman can't trap you unless you let loose your sperm inside a woman's body. Once a guy chooses to have bare sex, he forfeits what happens to his sperm once it enters a woman's womb so no need to cry foul. Too late, pay child support and STFU!
AMEN!!!!!!!!!!
I am a 26 year old single mother of a five year old I got pregnant at 20 and had her at 21. I live on my own with my own car and recieve no type of public assistance or assistance from the father or his family. If she believes she can do it on her own then the best of luck to her. Thats what the problem is now days every body is ready to put someone else down if they are not living their lives the way they see fit. I did not have my child to keep her father, we were engaged and he cheated on me and I left him. Just because you are married means nothing a ring and vows will not keep anybody if they are ready to leave. So if having the baby is what you want to do then more power to you. Dont let nobody put you down for doing what you believe is right.
damn! this is real advice...for what i seee a stupid situation.
i do not understand how you can have a relatioship with someone who you do not use condoms with!!!! and as sooon as you end up prego??? they are gone! your relationship must have been more lust than love. and the sex covered the miscomunication =) and now leads to your life with this baby.
i am 19 years old. and i understand the game...meaning comunication leads all relationships to where they are ment to be. not sex! which ends up with a baby, heartbrreak, confusion....and anger
Yes because marriage would have kept this scumbag from cheating (rolling my eyes) Oh and he should have worn a condom! He knew sex can lead to babies! It is BOTH of there faults she is pregnant! Stop blaming women for everything. He should know what can happen when you have unprotected sex. Not rocket science here people. Im so sick of the woman being blamed for everything.
Bravo, what a waste of a comment. lol There exists many factors that come into play. Some people judge very harshly. Marriage what a joke, people would rather be married and miserable, than being brave raising their kids as a single happy parent. That leads into the child having high bills of counseling therapy. The only thing I think is off color is you wanting for that "boy" to take care of your baby to do as he is told by you. That is never going to happen doll. Trust me on this one, you are better off been by yourself. Get back in the dating game and find a real man to take good care of your baby. I personally would just tie my tubes. For the person that wrote the responding essay f-you. WHat a load of "BS". What makes you so perfect to judge this girl. I respect the fact you are having this baby. The nights up, you being broke and the crying is not compared to all the Love you will get in a few years. It is the best gift anyone can give, as for passing that creeps genes down, such a shame. Get child support and full custody of your baby rapidly. Move on and Congratulations on having your "new baby".
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