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Avoiding the brain dead on Black Friday 2012

Typical Black Friday shoppers. Only prettier.
Typical Black Friday shoppers. Only prettier.

If you had the opportunity to avoid a potentially deadly encounter with a brain dead horde, wouldn’t you take it?
Then why are you planning on Black Friday shopping?
Sure, there probably won’t be a full-blown zombie apocalypse then. (Although if Grandma sends you socks again, for the 35th Christmas in a row, you may want one.)
However, there are other dangers lurking at the time.
Sure, you want a good deal on an X-box or whatever electronic treasure, but take a look at the people around you. Listen in on the conversations of all those happy campers bragging about how they do this every year and try not to think “psycho”.
These are the same folks who wouldn’t think twice about trampling or cooking and eating you, just to get a better spot in line or a discount copy of (add generic macho sound video war game here.)
If you decide to camp out at Best Buy in Longmont, perhaps you’ll have the opportunity to hear the hungry coyotes patrolling the creek for prey, only about 50 yards behind you.
At Longmont's Wal-Marts, every inbred redneck who comes down from the hills will be shuffling in line and assessing your pretty mouth.
Aside from the chance to make new friends like these, you can also pick up a nice case of hypothermia to go with that off-brand big screen TV.
This year, stay at home and shop online. Avoid the crowds, and more importantly, leave the streets same for me.
(All views expressed are solely those of the Longmont Zombie Examiner--but you know I’m right.)


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