The holidays are here again and as usual our extended family can become both a source happiness and anxiety. Religious differences, problematic relationships and divorce can create difficulties when it comes to planning family gatherings. Sometimes our most important relationships – our spouse and children – are adversely affected by our desire to please everyone but them.
Here is a good rule of thumb to follow when making decisions this holiday season.
- Don’t pressure your spouse to make changes to suit your family of origin (grandparents, siblings etc.). Allowing discord between you and your spouse because you want to be the “good child” in your parent’s eyes sends a message to your immediate family that you are less concerned about their feelings than you are about your parent's feelings. Put your own family first and make plans that will ultimately keep peace in your own home.
- This is your holiday too. Now is the time to be creating your own family traditions. What do you want your children to remember – excitedly anticipating the traditions you have created for them, or watching you sweat as they are dragged to stressful family gatherings? Holiday dinners with extended family can strengthen bonds with loved ones when happiness and love are the order of the day. However, if history has shown that your family gatherings are stressful, contentious or abusive staying away may be the best way for you to show your love to your spouse and children. Create family happiness by inviting friends to join you and your family, go away for the holiday or plan activities that your children and spouse enjoy.
- Respect your extended family's plans for celebrating the holiday somewhere else. As parents and grandparents get older they often find celebrating with family a tiring adventure. If they choose not to celebrate with you honor their decision by maintaining your own plans for the day. Let them know they will be missed and that you will get together with them soon. It is important for your mental health that you acknowledge and graciously accept their decision to spend the holiday with others. It isn’t personal. It is just their choice.
With people living longer, healthier lives we often find ourselves in the midst of several generations of family traditions. Just remember that you only get one go around in this life and your immediate family deserves your full and undivided attention. Your parents had their go around. Now it’s your turn.
Comments
Nice post! I agree that you need to make your immediate family your number one concern; however, if your family lives in several different parts of the U.S, as does mine, you do need to make an effort to visit the parents/siblings/grandparents at least once every few years, and spend a holiday with them. I moved to Las Vegas 5 years ago, and haven't see my Dad (Atlanta) since, so this year I'll be spending Thanksgiving with him in Atlanta. My partner can't go with me, but understands that sometimes these things visits are more important than leaving the comfort zone that is our immediate family and home.
Nice writing! I look forward to following you.
Terri
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