So, this weekend, the glorious city of Austin is running the annual Austin Comic Con, a gathering of comic book nerds, manga freaks, and Magic: The Gathering-playing geeks that simply must be seen to be believed. We were curious what one of these odd citizens would have to say about their hobby of choice, and so we interviewed a local Magic enthusiast. The results are below, my gentle Examiner readers, but I warn you: it's not pretty. Read on...
What happens when Austin throws open the doors of its downtown convention center to the nerdiest of the nerdy? Austin Comic Con 2010, a gathering of geeks that-- while not as widely attended as the Comic Con that happens in San Diego every year-- is just as jam-packed with dorks in costumes, overpriced fan-art, and obscurely-focused panels dealing with the most trivial aspects of comic book minutiae. While I'm a geek of a different sort-- a film geek, and proud of it-- I was sent to Austin's Comic Con to report on the this other strain of nerdiness to the best of my abilities. As it turns out, film geeks and comic nerds don't always mix, especially if one's asking borderline-hostile questions of the other.
When I walked into the Austin Comic Con space, the first thing I noticed were the costumes. We conducted a similar experiment back in September when Quake Con rolled through Dallas-- "Let's send the Comedy Examiner somewhere nerdy and have him mock it for our enjoyment"-- only to be discouraged by the total lack of costumed freaks. In that case, video game nerds were apparently not as motivated to dress as their preferred franchise characters as comic book geeks are: at the Austin Comic Con, you couldn't go ten feet without running into a Kick-Ass, or a Batman, or a Poison Ivy (with a troublingly-pronounced FUPA). They were everywhere, and I confess that I was impressed with many of the costumes on display (except for the aforementioned, muffin-topped Poison Ivy; see photo on the left).
The second thing I noticed was the layout: the convention room floor had been divided into four main sections. The largest section was in the middle, composed of booth after booth of local comic stores peddling their wares, artists selling some of their original stuff, and grown men surrounded by toys they were far too old to be playing with. To the rear of the floor was a second section dominated by a string of C-list celebrities, B-list celebrities (very few of these), and a parade of comic book artists who were there to sign issues of whatever series they'd been working on. On the other side of the floor was a "food court" (read: "nacho pavilion"), and-- last but not least, as you'll soon see-- was the "gaming area".
The "gaming area" was a full quarter of the floor dominated by rows of card tables and folding chairs. At first, I mistook this area for a "resting zone", a series of tables and chairs for geeks who had become winded while making the twenty-minute circuit around the main floor. "Perhaps," I thought, "that's where the nerds go when they need a break from all the strenuous ambling". Upon closer inspection, however, I recognized the "gaming area" for what it was: everyone at the tables was locked in fierce competition with a man (it was all dudes, to the person) sitting across from them, each man holding a handful of cards. With dawning horror, I realized that I had stumbled into a massive game of Magic: The Gathering.
In case you're not familiar with Magic: The Gathering, allow me to provide a very narrow, totally unfair, and in-no-way-truly-representative explanation of this game: two nerds sit across a table from one another, each with a deck of cards. These cards each have spells, monsters, and other fantasy-related shenanigans printed on them. The players draw cards and use them to "battle" the player-sitting-across-from-them's cards. In the end, someone "wins", but only in an abstract sense: at the end of the game, both players have both lost an invaluable amount of time that they could have spent talking to girls, getting some amount of exercise, or doing literally anything other than playing Magic: The Gathering, which has been scientifically proven to be the nerdiest thing ever created (including Dungeons and Dragons).
So, now that I knew what I was up against, I knew that I was duty-bound to interview one of these specimens. Of course, I hadn't known that I'd be encountering a large squadron of Magic players, so I hadn't prepared any interview questions. Furthermore, I had no idea who I should select as an interview subject: they all appeared to be equally nerdy, knowledgable, and opposed to speaking to another human being. In other words, I was going to have to wing it.
And so, that's what I did. I selected a player who was sitting by himself-- and if you've ever wondered if there's anything more pathetically nerdy than a gathering of Magic players, each staring hard at the man across from him as they "battle" with their best cards, the answer is, yes: a Magic player who's sitting by himself without someone to battle is infinitely more pathetic and nerdy-- and asked him if he'd be willing to answer a few questions. Just so he knew I meant business, I flashed my purple "Press" wristband. Here's the word-for-word transcript of our conversation:
Comedy Examiner: Would you be willing to answer a few questions? I'm press (dangles bracelet).
Magic Nerd: Who do you write for?
Comedy Examiner: It's a comedy site (ed. note: this isn't entirely false)(actually, yes it is). What's your name, by the way?
Magic Nerd: Chris. But, like, whatta you wanna know?
CE: I want to know about Magic, and the...whatever it is ya'll are doing here.
Magic Nerd: OK.
CE: Great. Do you need to get your inhaler or anything before we start?
MN: (perplexed) I don't have an inhaler.
CE: Security blanket?
MN: (glares)
CE: Very well. OK, my first question-- and I admit that I'm unprepared here, so forgive my lack of notes-- is: Why Magic: The Gathering?
MN: Well, I've played it for years. I started when I was in junior high--
CE: And how old are you now?
MN: 29.
CE: Me, too!
MN: So, I started in junior high, and then I just kept playing. I have a couple of friends that play, and we go to (local comic store name here; I'll leave their name out just in case I ever wanna go in there without being shot in the face with a crossbow) sometimes.
CE: You say you have friends that also play Magic: The Gathering?
MN: Yeah.
CE: Right. Are you good?
MN: What do you mean?
CE: Like, would you say you're an above-average player? You must be if you've been doing this for, like, 15 years, right?
MN: I'm pretty lethal, yeah.
CE: So if I were to get a deck of Magic cards and play against you, I'd almost certainly lose?
MN: Well, unless you knew what you were doing and had a really strong deck.
CE: Would it matter that I have a girlfriend? Is that a detriment to the player?
MN: Why would that be a detriment to the player?
CE: Like, a really cute girlfriend, not like a homely one.
MN: I don't get--
CE: I'm just saying, it seems like this is a game played predominantly by dudes that aren't that into chicks. It seems like maybe that's a distraction of sorts.
MN: There's nothing gay about--
CE: No, no, no, that's not what I mean. I'm not saying that Magic is gay. I'm just saying that, looking around, it's obvious that these gentlemen aren't all that into female companionship. Is that because having a girlfriend to think about-- or one that might try to, like, stop you from playing Magic all the time-- would be distracting?
MN: (stares) No.
CE: OK, next question: what is "magic missile"?
MN: I have no idea.
CE: I don't think I believe you.
MN: OK, I gotta go.
And with that, my exclusive interview with a real, live Magic: The Gathering player came to a close. I enjoyed our time together, and I think that our conversation bridged a gap between Magic players and...well, everyone else that's been gaping for all the years since Magic started insinuating itself into middle schools across the country. We may not have talked a lot today, but what we talked about ran deep, and no matter how many angry Magic fans send me poorly-worded, all-caps emails in the wake of this article, I can assure you that I'll never stop cherishing me and Chris' time together.
Stay tuned for more from the Austin Comic Con in the days ahead, including exclusive interviews with the cast and crew of The Human Centipede, a former Ghostbuster, and-- if the stars align-- the only cast member from the original Star Wars trilogy that also peddled malt liquor on national television (no, not Carrie Fisher). We'll have all of that in the days ahead, so be sure to hit the "Subscribe" button up top if you're worried about missing our next installment of "Comedy Examiner Begs to Get His Ass Kicked at the Austin Comic Con".
Update: Just because I've spent a fair amount of time answering emails about this one this morning, I thought I'd add a little addendum here and perhaps save myself from having to field another round of really, really, unreasonably angry questions. Here's the reveal, guys: I talked to "Chris" prior to the interview and told him what I wanted to do, asked him if he'd have a good sense of humor about it, and he said, "Yes". I believe his exact words were, "Magic players have a pretty good sense of humor about that kinda sh-t". I agreed that this was probably the case, and asked him the above questions. Afterwards, we talked for a few minutes, and the dude seemed like a good guy.
Clearly, the whole thing works better without this knowledge, but the emails have been plentiful enough that I felt like I oughtta offer up that information before anyone else has a meltdown. I didn't use any photos of "Chris" or use his real name here, but I did want Chris' permission to run the article, and that's why I gave him a bit of a head's up prior to hitting the "record" button on my recorder. The argument seems to be that mocking Magic players is beyond the pale, or what I've done here is unreasonably cruel. Frankly, I don't think any hobby shouldn't be gently roasted from time to time, be it comic collecting, Magic-playing, or heavy drinking, and nothing in this article seems particularly savage.
We had this same discussion when I openly mocked Twilight, and I'll repeat what I said in the aftermath of that situation: nothing anyone else says can take the thing you love away from you. If Magic's your thing, go with that. If you like zombie movies, or Broadway musicals, or touch-football, or underwater fire-prevention-- do that thing, and don't let anyone else allow you to feel bad about it. But for God's sake, have a good sense of humor about it, and understand that no amount of mockery in the world should ever dissuade you from openly enjoying the things you love. Who cares what some jerk-off with a keyboard thinks? Everything deserves a good dose of piss-taking from time to time, but it shouldn't ever be taken this seriously.
If you were offended by our interview above, I offer my condolences, but I'd advise anyone that's really going to lose sleep over this one to strongly consider ignoring what the "mean kids" say about their preferred hobbies: once you've given chuckleheads like me any sorta power, you've just given up the thing that you enjoy the most. And, for the person that asked, I'll say it again: Magic's ten times cooler than football will ever be.
And stay tuned for more funny videos, news, reviews, interviews, and more from Comedy Examiner HQ in the near future, folks. We've got all manner of nonsense to keep you entertained and informed during the week, so hit the "Subscribe" button up top to get all future Comedy Examiner articles delivered straight to your inbox, free of charge, the moment they're published.
