"Back talk" is a big problem for many parents and it can be tricky to deal with for those practicing Attachment Parenting.  The solution is not only incredibly easy but it will also teach an important lesson for kids (and parents).

Before going further, let's discuss what back talk means.  For most parents, this refers to rude and insulting talk that kids answer back to their parents.  Examples would include the teenager who sneers "Why should I?" when asked to do something to help or the child who calls his mom a "poo poo head" when he's angry about something she's said.

For some parents, however, back talk refers to any answers that children give that aren't total compliance.  An example would be a parent telling her child it's time to turn off the TV and the child howling, "But I love this show and it's the last five minutes!".

It's important to distinguish between these two.  Rude talk, name calling and hurtful comments are not okay for anybody to use with anybody else and children (and adults) need to know that. 

However, children should have the right to answer back if they feel they're being treated wrongly.  The key there is to teach them how to do it better.  For instance, the child could be taught to say, "Okay Mom, but is it okay if I watch the last five minutes of this show?  It's my favorite and it's almost over."

When children use back talk that is mean, they are probably feeling angry and powerless.  Words seem like their last weapons.  It can be helpful to recognize this, but that doesn't give anybody a free pass to be hurtful.

When parents practice Attachment Parenting, they tend to have less problems with issues like back talk.  Attached children generally feel like part of a team with their parents, not opponents.  Talking respectfully towards kids goes a long way towards automatically raising kids who talk respectfully to others.

That said, children are not perfect, and AP'ing will never create perfectly behaved robots.  Kids are kids, and talking back is inevitable for all but the most fearfully controlled of them.

Why is it important to deal with back talk?

Here's where it's important to remember the true meaning of the word discipline:  to teach and to lead.  There are two important things you'll be teaching your child in how you respond:

1.  Proper ways of treating all people.  Children need to be taught that it's not okay to be mean to people.  That's part of being a good human being and all people need to know that.  Name calling, rudeness, mean remarks and other hurtful comments are not okay ways to show we're hurt or to argue a point.

2.  Proper ways of standing up for ourselves.  As parents, we are models for our kids on how they should act with others.  When we answer their mean words assertively but respectfully, we're also teaching them how to stand up for themselves when people say nasty things to them.

So how do you answer back talk?

If your children speak in a hurtful or insulting way to you, then respond as you would if any other person did. 

Stand up for yourself, politely but firmly -- the same way you would if your spouse, a friend or a co-worker said something mean.  This may be difficult at first, because many of us were not ever taught how to stand up for ourselves and many of us have learned inappropriate ways of dealing with it ourselves (such as insulting back, becoming violent or seething inside but saying nothing). 

For instance, depending on the child's age, say:

"I don't like it when you call me that.  You can be angry with me, but it's not okay to call me a name."

"I am not going to keep playing this if you keep saying mean things to me.  It hurts my feelings and I'll go do something else."

"Please don't be rude to me.  I am not talking rudely to you."

Don't be wishy-washy but don't be mean either.  Look your child in the eye and firmly stand up for yourself.  Then move on.

Will this immediately stop all back talk?  Maybe not.  It often will, because it makes children stop and think without feeling attacked.  My own children don't "talk back" very often at all, but when I've responded like this they have tended to look a little sheepish and change the way they're behaving, even if they are still upset.

In the long run, this will absolutely "work," though.  It teaches children how to talk to people, how to expect to be treated and how to act if they're treated badly.

Children are people.  We need to deal with them as people, not as half-people without rights.  They do have a responsibility to be nice most of the time, because all people have that responsibility.  When they mess up, we need to remember that it's our job to teach them how to behave and we just need to work on that.

It's that simple.  Children are people.  Think to yourself, "How should I answer this if a person speaks this way to me?" and then respond accordingly! 

Want some local AP support? 

United Way of SW Minnesota keeps up a Parenting Blog with insights from Barbara Colorosa.  The St. Peter/Mankato AP Playgroup is a fun way to connect with other AP families locally.

See also:

Attachment Parenting 101: How do I avoid tantrums?

Dealing with parenting know-it-alls

Attachment Parenting 101: What do I do if my toddler hits me?

Attachment Parenting 101: The troublesome times checklist

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