If you believe marriage is for a man and woman to commit to a family and not for hooking up, if you believe guns are for citizens to protect themselves from criminals and corrupt government, if you believe life is sacred and begins when a human ovum and a human spermatozoa combine, then you don't understand love, politics, or science. Fear not! Atheists are here to explain to you what Jesus would say about your hateful, ignorant bigotry.
And Jesus said to her, “Fertilized eggs are not people. People are people.”
Sarah did not relate the rest of what Jesus said about fertilized eggs in this commercial. But her Jesus visited me and told me what he told her about fertilized eggs.
“Fertilized eggs are parasites in the woman’s body and they will grow until they pop out. Then they will be little parasites called children that run around and demand your attention 24/7 until they are big enough for you to kick them out of the house. Then, unless you taught them morality, they go to the voting booth and become a new kind of parasite called Democrats that vote for the government to take other people’s money and give it to them.”
I asked, “What should we do about them?”
And Sarah’s Jesus said, “If you don’t want this headache for the rest of your life you rip the little parasites out of the womb.”
“But,” I inquired, “what if they grow to the point they have hearts and brains?”
And he said, “While they are in the female they are still just fertilized egg parasites, so you just punch a hole in their fertilized egg heads and suck out their brains. Then you can remove them.”
“But,” I dug deeper, “what if the doctor screws up and doesn’t suck out their brains and they are born?”
And he said, “Just do like Obama says and put them in a trash bin until they stop breathing.”
That’s when I woke up and realized that Sarah’s Jesus was the atheist Jesus and not the True Christ. I got on my knees and prayed asking Jesus for the truth and He answered me saying, “My son, you know the truth in your heart. When a man’s seed and woman’s egg are joined, what do they become?”
“They become a baby,” I answered.
“Would you kill a baby?” he asked.
And I said, “No, Lord. But there are some who do become parasites that prey on others their whole lives. What of them?”
Then Sarah’s Jesus popped up again and said with a smile, “Dude, haven’t you heard of retro-active abortion?”
And the Christ rolled His eyes and shook His head.