In the Safer Sex section of Craigslist, an area that I frequent to answer various sexual health questions, there was this:
"I want my bf to have sex with another girl. What happens after you bring another woman into the bedroom?"
For those folks looking to open their relationship to add some sugar and spice, to explore new sexual adventures, or to "fix" something in the relationship, here's my advice:
The most important piece is what happens BEFORE you bring another person into your bedroom. Communication is important throughout this whole process...but it's most important before you actually let things happen.
Discussions should include why you want to add a person, what you hope adding someone else will create, what you don't want it to create. Are you doing this for your partner in hopes he or she will permit you the same liberties to sexually engage with someone else? You should be having ongoing conversations with your partner about the pros and cons of opening your relationship. Discussing whether or not this is a one time thing or does this open the potential for more exploration. Something important to consider is that while you both may say yes now, come game time and you both may feel very differently and will be looking for the quickest exit strategy!
Discussing boundaries and setting limitations are essential in this type of situation. And, not just between the original couple; but also with the other person/s/ you wish to add. Boundaries can range from "For the first time, we can only kiss or mutually masturbate" to "No kissing, just sex." Most importantly, there should be something like "If I ever feel uncomfortable or unsafe, we stop."
Adding a partner/s/ can be really exciting or really damaging to the relationship, so it's important that you and your partner really communicate your thoughts, concerns, and feelings throughout this whole process.
What happens after is completely individualized to each couple. Some couples may think "That was awesome, let's do it again" while other couples may think "No way, that was awkward, weird, and uncomfortable." Either response is OK...you just have to understand all of the possibilities.
Need advice? Have a question about sex, sexuality, relationships or otherwise? Feel free to email Cassie with your questions, concerns, rants or raves at cswolfe@mail.widener.edu. After all, she IS your SexGuru!
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