Artie Lange made his triumphant return to the Late Show with David Letterman Friday night, his first national television appearance since leaving the Howard Stern Show following his January 2010 suicide attempt.
Photos: Howard Stern shoots Beth O for WHIRL Magazine
Lange brought his new stand-up material to Letterman's couch, riffing about his experiences playing Scrabble in the psych ward, dating post drug-rehab and wondering aloud what the world would be like if he wrote Kim Kardashian's tweets.
<---Watch Artie Lange's appearance on Late Show with David Letterman here
“I think she’d fire me if she went to her Twitter page and saw something like: ‘Dear @KimKardashian: I just paid a hooker to shave my back’....Dear @KimKardashian: I just threw up a Snickers bar on the subway.’ I don’t think she’d take kindly to that.” (note: Lange admits he doesn't use Twitter for himself, which may explain why he's still a little murky on the format.)
Howard Stern Show fans hoping to get some new insight into the weeks leading up to Lange's suicide attempt will have to keep on waiting. Letterman set Lange up to deliver his new material about his recovery, but avoided the suicide topic completely.
The one real revelation that came out of Lange's latest Letterman litany is that the beloved "Baby Gorilla" has a new girlfriend.
"I actually have a girlfriend, yeah. Most people get surprised when I say that.”
Lange then launched into some material about how difficult it is to find your match on a dating website with a history like his own.
"On one of these websites, one of the questions they ask is: ‘What’s the worst thing you’ve ever done?’ Now, if I’m honest with that question, I’m not getting a date I don’t think. Like, ‘what’s the worst thing you’ve ever done? One time I stole my mother’s engagement ring to pay off a biker gang I owed money to. What are you doing Friday night?’”
There was no mention of Howard Stern during Lange's two Letterman segments. Since Artie's return to the public eye this summer, Stern has repeatedly stated that he will not invite Lange on the show because he feels it would be exploitive.
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