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Aronofsky's 'Noah' sinks under its own non-sensical, non-biblical weight

Androgyny, crewcuts, shag hair and rock formation giants doom "Noah."
Androgyny, crewcuts, shag hair and rock formation giants doom "Noah."

"Noah" is a failed movie-making venture of historical proportions. The only thing Darren Aronofsky succeeded in doing is perhaps serving up the worst movie ever. (Remember the "Ishtar ish Terrible" headline? We are in THAT territory).

And the missed opportunity here, is whether real or imagined, the story of Noah's Ark is a grand fable.

Even with an enduring saga working for him, Aronofsky seems intent on murdering it with no discernable plot let alone the original one. Horrific dialogue, schlocky imagery that includes talking moving rock formations, an ark box that squanders a great opportunity to stun audiences with animal life varieties and a cavernous nautical wonderland worthy of the folklore it inhabits.

Or at least a child's imagination.

Adding so much static and creepy visualizations to this enduring story, Aronofsky was hell bent on destroying any historical reference and was clearly hallucinatory if he thought an attempted child ritual sacrifice would be a nice touch.

That the scene lingers without dramatic plot device to ground it or a preface of why it exists at all is just another reason underlining Aronofsky's sole purpose exists to smother and obscure the original for younger generations unlikely to seek the unvarnished version.

In a relative few years, every sweet fairy tale known to man has been obliterated with vampire references, shocking violence and mayhem, suppression and sexism. (Only "Frozen" has emerged the hands down winner of pure entertainment).

With Noah (Russell Crowe) alternating between stringy long hair, then a clearly non-biblical crew cut and then adding an unlikely scraggly beard to his buzz cut, his crazy man ramblings can more fully be attributed to hair and make up miscues ... that here can be simply one more reason God sent the flood.

He must also have been wondering where they got the pants. The clothes are just as non-sensical.

There is no point reviewing the acting. This movie is a tragic venture void of even a redeeming scene. The the potential of well-paid performers like Anthony Hopkins (Noah's dad) and Jennifer Connelly (Noah's wife) was sunk far before filming began. They clearly took their paycheck and ran for the hills. Or St. Bart's.

Both no doubt have spent endless hours praying no colleagues or casting directors will see it. Or worse, hold it against them.


Audiences will. Definitely.

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