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Are your insecurities ruining your marriage?

"Do you love me? Really? Are you sure? How much do you love me? A lot? Why only 'a lot'? Why not 'a whole lot'? You don't really love me! If you don't want to be with me, then just tell me!" *Runs off in hysterics, mumbling an indecipherable message.*

If this is a scenario you can relate to, I'm afraid your answer to the above question is "yes." Assuming no one held a gun to your spouse's head, he married you by his own free will, which means he likes and loves the person you are. No need to check and double check. (Sidenote: I'm addressing women here, but this can definitely apply to insecure men as well.)

There is no point in constantly asking your husband if he loves you, because he isn't the person who needs to convince you. Regardless of his answer, you won't be satisfied. If he says "no," you'll be upset. If he says "yes," you won't accept it. The true issue isn't whether or not he loves you. It's the fact that you don't love yourself. The insecure person will look to others to create a sense of security, but they will never find it there. Security of self comes from within. No amount of love from your husband (or anyone else, for that matter)  will be enough to fil that void. Not until you love yourself abundantly will you be able to accept that someone else does too.

Here's an anology to demonstrate my point:

If you have a nickel, and I offer to pay you $50 for that nickle, would you just accept my offer or think it was too good to be true? You'd probably have trouble believing that a perfectly sane person would want to pay so much for what you know is worth so little. You'd probably think it was a joke and have trouble believing I was sincere.

This fictional scenario can be applied to real life. If you view yourself as a nickle, you'll never be able to believe that your husband thinks your value is 100 times greater than that. Every time he professes his love, you feel insulted, patronized, mocked. 

No one has time (or even wants) to spend their days reassuring you that you're lovable. Consider his willingness to marry you a sign of your lovability. A little reassurance here and there is completely normal, but constantly asking for deposits in your bottomlese cup is a turnoff and truly drives a wedge between the two of you.

Imagine if I interrupted every article I wrote with phrases like "Are you enjoying this?" "Is this article any good?" "How would you rate me compared to other writers? You can be honest." How would that affect the way you view me and my writing? Would you even want to read anything else from me? I doubt it. It's not your job to assure me that I am good at what I do, and it isn't your husband's job to assure you that you are worthy of love. You should already know that on your own.

Allow your husband to love you freely and stop demanding something of him that he cannot provide. Every time you want to ask him if he loves you or if he thinks you're pretty, ask yourself instead.  Get in touch with your own feelings and uncover why you need to seek the validation of others.

Sending beautiful energy your way,

~Nadirah Angail
 

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Got a marriage question? Looking for some advice? That's what I'm here for. Feel free to email me at nadirah.angail@gmail.com or leave a comment here. (Don't worry. It can be anonymous.)

All Kansas City Marriage Advice Examiner content ©2010 by Nadirah Angail Habeebullah; reposts permitted with copyright notice and link back to original article. All other rights reserved.

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