Source: AP Images
In honor of the Tiger Woods sex scandal and the slew of ladies he courted while being a married man with children, the thought of infidelity will inevitably creep into even the most trusting of people.
Is “once a cheater, always a cheater” a myth that we have accepted to be a universal truth or does this simple statement broadcast the pivotal human trait of self preservation? And what of slander laws and the object of malice? I use the term slander loosely, as most everybody has read of the famous text messages between Woods and Jaimee Grubbs, “Tiger: I will wear you out soon.”
Sadly, as shocked as the world was at Tiger’s cheating and shameful texting… this is nothing. Having a dirty mistress or mister is not uncommon; 30 - 60% of married people will engage in Infidelity at some point during their marriage. With that being said, people still wonder why. Why did I get cheated on? Why am I cheating? What about the kids? Who is the mister/mistress? The wide spectrum of human emotions allows us to not only feel sadness, anger and hurt but to experience these feelings at the same time… Hence, an alleged golf club through a windshield.
It’s fair enough to say that no one wants to be the “bad guy.” Some people just aren’t in the relationship 100% anymore; others just want to clear their palette with a different taste. But either way, people don’t generally admit to cheating without being accused or caught first. This leads to the popular statement, “I knew something was off.”
My advice to a cheatee? Don’t get mad, get even… then become livid and take the house.
Generally females will indulge in a shopping spree of unmentionable items to turn on their new lover. If you are in a relationship and notice that your spouse has new bras, panties, strappy lace looking things with bows, hooks, and fishnet; then she’s probably doing the dirty with someone else. That stuff isn’t for you stud, you get the granny panties, and you’ve seen her through food poisoning… she’s not trying to impress you anymore at this point. My suggestion, if possible, is to take all of those delicate items and exchange them for a smaller size. Nothing pisses a woman off more then something being too small. Sit back an laugh as she passes on a burger and begins a downward spiral of depression resulting in bulimia… throw in some light-hearted fat jokes for fun, “Hey tubby, I mean hunny. “
There a few things that sting worse then someone blatantly cheating on you. It’s their special way of tell you that you’re pathetic for staying, which you are. If your guy thinks he’s man enough to take on two women at the same time then I suggest crushing up low blood pressure pills into his coffee. Is it illegal to give someone medication without their consent? Yes. Do you give a #%! at this point? Nope. If it doesn’t work… he can’t use it. Sorry buddy.
If your lover is cheating, be a psycho and go through their phone to figure out what’s going on. If they’re smart everything will be deleted and you will be left with an empty inbox (insert: That’s what she said.) At this point you have no choice but to call your cellular provider and request a list of text message and phone call history. Once this final preparation step has been accomplished and you have received the information you need, text your spouse the exact same message that they sent to their mister/mistress.
- Cheater: “I’m going to be late, will meet you there”
- Cheatee: “No, we have a time share and she doesn’t like to go in the winter”
- Cheater: “?”
- Cheatee: “My job is really stressing me out, how about I come over sometime this week and you work it out of me.”
- Cheater: “#$%^&*"
Another very popular way to get back at a cheating spouse is to team up with the mister/mistress and confront the infidel. It may sicken you to speak, let alone team up with this person, but the outcome will be well worth it. Schedule to go to dinner with your cheater and arrange for the mister/misses to be dining at the table next to yours. Reference something interesting and wait for the mister/mistress to respond. Becoming BFF with the mister/mistress right in front of your cheater will cause a slew of mini heart attacks. Feel free to drag out this friendship for how ever long you wish by, inviting them to your house, commenting on a present they have received from your spouse and encourage them to hit on your spouse in front of you to add to the uncomfortable nature of the situation. Finally when you are content, tell your spouse that you are a homosexual and want to be with the mister/mistress. Laugh as they cry.
The last and final option: beat the crap out of them, if you can’t physically handle your spouse then hire someone. Pop some extra buttery popcorn and enjoy the show. It's not a very mature way to deal with your anger, but when God hands you sour lemons you don't use them for lemonade... you beat them to a pulp and call it potpourri.
More often then not, cheating is just a selfish act and the cheater takes full blame. But what of the spouse? Is it proficient to say that they have done nothing wrong? What if the spouse no longer desires to be touched, becomes cold or angry without explaining why, what if the spouse is cheating but hasn’t been caught? E-mail, texting and chat rooms have opened up a whole new can of worms for those dealing with wandering eyes. Is there such a thing as the intent to cheat and is it a justifiable offense?
If you are open to cheating, intend to cheat, or are cheating then at least be efficient enough to get away with it. If you believe in monogamy but are a one time offender you may be able to redeem yourself with an apology as long as the cheatee forgives you whole heartedly. But do not mistake kindness for weakness and continue to cheat, karma will get you.