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Are We Friends or Lovers?

Are We Friends or Lovers?
Are We Friends or Lovers?
by Boudewijn Berends ttps://www.flickr.com/photos/boudewijnberends/

Question:

I met this guy on the rebound and I slept with him the first night. I thought it was just a one-night thing, but we've now been having sex for 14 months. The problem is that he says he just wants to be friends but I want more than that. In fact, I've fallen in love with him. My friends say I should just give him some time to fall in love with me too, but his attitude really annoys me. What should I do? Should I wait for him?

Answer:

Do not wait for him to come around as it won't happen. By having sex on the first date, you set it up for it to be only a sexual relationship, so remember that for the next time. Men are comfortable separating love and sex, whereas women have more difficulty doing that. Besides, always listen to a man when he tells you that he just wants to be friends as he is telling you that there is no future. It may be because he's been hurt and has issues or it may just be because he's just using you for sex. You are allowing him to take you for granted. When a man can use you and you don't demand anything back, he loses respect for you. Respect is a big part of love. To gain some respect and obtain some power in the relationship you need to set some boundaries with him. Tell him that if you are "just friends," then there is no more sex, as you don't want to be friends with benefits. Pull away and be busy and start dating. Don't talk to him or text as often, and when you do communicate, tell him how much fun you are having without him, and talk about the men you date. Make it clear that you only want to see him if he is willing to "date" you and admit you are in a relationship and plan for the future. If he says he's afraid, insist he talk about his fears so the two of you can work them through. If he says he doesn't see you that way or doesn't start chasing after you when you pull away, he was just using you and you have to let go.

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