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Are fears stopping you?

Are fears stopping you?
Are fears stopping you?
Photo by Oli Scarff

The rain gently taps on your bedroom window. You smile in your semi-sleep and languidly reach over to hold and cuddle and nestle in the scent and warmth of ...your pillow?! You go from being blissfully subconscious to harshly awake in the wide open blink of your eyes. And a very loud thought erupts in your mind...WTF?!

You have been contentedly single for over two years. Not so much as a single date. You appreciate and enjoy your single lifestyle and its many freedoms. Whenever you see couples breaking up, you feel grateful that you are not going through that pain. Yet, in a semi-lucid state, your subconscious thinks you are in a relationship.


The rain doesn't sound quite as gentle anymore. You lie in bed listening to it, like you expect it to provide you with answers. It doesn't. So, you frantically search your brain. You haven't been attracted to or interested in anyone for a long time.

Oh, wait a minute.

There is this man and for simplicity we will call him Mr. X. You've seen him around off and on for the last three years. It's usually a "Hi, how's it going?" But now the past couple months, you have been chatting more. You know some basic things about him now. So what, you know basic things about a lot of people. You notice that when you chat, each of you actually listens. That's rare. A couple days ago, you exchanged phone numbers. Why the hell did you do that?! So far, neither of you has called. Whew! Wait. Hmm.

He has a quiet nature and a deep, soft voice. He displays a genuine kindness to people and his eyes sparkle when he smiles. So. You've met people with those qualities before and weren't attracted to them. So what is the problem here? He's open about himself and excited about making positive changes in his life. Again, other people do that too.

You feel this this soft, fluttery feeling when you see him. OMG, that's just not right. You don't do that. Butterflies do that. Not you!

Pulling the blanket over your head, you take a deep breath to calm your racing heart. Ok, so you are attracted to this man. What are you going to do about it? Option A is absolutely nothing...which is what you are tempted to do. All the other options feel blurry and scary. What if he's not attracted to you? What if he's already in a relationship? What if he isn't the same sexual orientation as you? What if you make a complete ass of yourself?

What if you stop asking all these fear based, self-centered questions and act like a mature adult? Take a deep breath, walk through your fears and give him a call. Ask him if he'd like to get together at a coffee shop some time this week . You don't have to put all your cards on the table at once but you don't have to live behind a fear constructed wall either.

If he says No, rather than jumping into the poor me rejection pool, smile and feel empowered that you had the courage to ask. That's actually a gift. And if he says Yes...well, then, enjoy the experience and the fluttering and go with the flow...

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