Welcome to my brand-spanking-new feature - Apocalypse in Review. With the countdown to December 21st, 2012 in full swing, I'll be Examining a series of ambitious yet failed Apocalypses (Apocalypti?) throughout history and modern times.
For this inaugural article, I'll be training my ever-acidic, heathen-tastic lens on Family Radio personality and admitted Christ enthusiast Harald Camping, who you might remember from this May's Rapturegate fiasco. H. Camp and his spectacularly misguided cronies predicted the world would end on May 21st, 2011. As far as I can tell, they were wrong. Join me, if you will, for a whimsical skewering of this utterly failed Apocalypse...
THE 'FACTS'
- Harald's Rapture was slated for May 21st 2011. All the good, God-fearing folk were supposed to ascend to heaven, while the rest of us battled Satan's dark forces here on Earth... and presumably had a lot of casual, meaningless sex. Millions of unsalvageable sinners were to perish with each passing day. Apparently, this particular Rapture just didn't take.
- October 21st, 2011 would bring about our loving-if-inconsistent God's fiery wrath and subsequent Destruction of the Universe. And just before everybody's favorite non-denominational holiday, Halloween! What kind of God would pull a mean trick like that?
- Ten days on from Camping's projected Day of Judgment, we're still here. Point to Humanity! So, that's Yahweh 0, Rationalism 1.
You might remember seeing some Family Radio-sponsored billboards sprouting up at the start of the year, advertising our imminent ends at the hands of a vengeful Sky Father. Fun fact! According to reports, Camping's supporters spent over 100 million dollars on this ill-advised and ultimately pointless campaign. Now, I'm no Christian - hell, not even close - but I'm pretty sure that money could have been put to better use. Just off the top of my head... feeding the homeless, maybe? That'd be a pretty Christian thing to do, right?
Oh, and a bunch of very, very gullible Christers also donated much of their hard-earned cash to Camping's cause - perhaps hoping to avoid eternal damnation by boosting the coffers of a desperate, ruthless old man (just like Jesus preached!) As of right now, the ornery false prophet hasn't refunded one red cent. According to the man himself - "We’re not at the end. Why would we return it?"
What a freakin' saint, right? Can I get an Amen?
Camping's 'teachings' in regards to the Second Coming are based on Biblical numerology - or, for hellbound atheists like me, arbitrary statistics gleaned from books written by unwashed, overtly superstitious desert dwellers over two millennia ago. To put an unwarranted finer point on it, Camping mustered up his magical death-date based on the cycles of the Hebrew calendar from the Old Testament, the lunar month calendar and an approximation of the Gregorian calendar tropical year.
On May 23, in his only (so far) appearance before a hungry press, Camping - never one to back down from a fight - claimed he had revised his prophecy. Apparently, May 21st was but a 'spiritual' (read: bulls$*t) judgment day. The real meat-and-potatoes Rapture was coming on October 21st - followed in short order by the arrival of the Four Horsemen and the end of all things.
Camping retired from his prominent position at Family Radio on October 16th, presumably to get his affairs in order before his big date with the Big Guy. After the 21st came and went, Harald reportedly admitted privately that he no longer believed the Rapture and Armageddon could be predicted by mere mortal beings.
Well, no sh*t, Shirley.
So, what have we learned here, America? I'm guessing 'nothing'. At least, this Apocalype Examiner certainly hopes so. I had a lot of fun writing this article and, with your blissfully ignorant assistance, I'm hoping I can squeeze out a few dozen more before the REAL Apocalypse - you know, that whole Mayan thing - takes us all out once and for all.
Swing and a miss, Harry. Better luck next time...
There are now only 414 days left until the End of the World.
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