Anything Tebow can do, Wall can do better

(photo courtesy Clay Jackson)

After watching last night's thriller between UK and UConn, I was impressed, especially by (you guessed it) John Wall. While perusing tebowisms.net, however, I was not. So, as a tribute to our 'Blue Jesus,' I've decided to do a little comparing between Timmy Tebow and the Great Wall of Kentucky:

First, the Tebowism, taken verbatim from its website,

Then, my 'Wall-ism'... enjoy

- Tim Tebow has had to register each of his 206 bones as a concealed lethal weapon.
John Wall got rid of his bones to make room for more ice water in his veins.
- Hostile alien races do exist, they just know better than to try to attack Earth while Tim Tebow's on it.
Alien races do exist, but John Wall is only hostile to those that get in his way.
- Tebow has counted out pi to its final decimal place; John Wall has better things to do.
- When the irresistible force met the immovable object, the result was Tim Tebow.
When the unstoppable force met the immovable object, the result was John Wall.
- Tim Tebow was once caught between a rock and hard place. Neither the rock nor the hard place remain standing today. John Wall knows that neither rocks nor hard places have legs, thus making it impossible for either to stand in the first place.
- Tim Tebow was late for practice one day.The rest of the team had to run laps for being early.
Tim Tebow has to practice.
- Tebow can make a paraplegic run for his life. After John Wall heals him, of course.
- Tebow does not sleep, he waits. John Wall does not wait, he proceeds.
- Tebow can kill two stones with one bird. John Wall can kill two stones and a bird with one crossover.
- Whoever coined the phrase "defense wins championship" obviously never heard of Tim Tebow.
Whoever coined the phrase "defense wins championship" was probably a caveman or a Florida fan. John Wall would later add the 's' to the end of the phrase, making it grammatically correct.
- Jack Bauer needs 24 hours to save the world, Tebow needs just one. Both have since relinquished their saving-the-world duties to John Wall.
- Notre Dame players now touch a "Play like Tim Tebow today" sign while heading out to the field.
And they thought Charlie Weis was the problem!
- People used to say they feel like they got run over by a bus. Now they say they feel like they were hit by Tim Tebow. John Wall has never heard anybody say that.
- Tim Tebow once raced a Ferrari. It ended in a tie because the Ferrari ran out of gas and Tim Tebow got bored. That race actually ended in a tie for second. John Wall won the race. Backwards. While walking. And dribbling two footballs simultaneously. 

Tiger Woods, perhaps taking Nike's slogan a little too serious (AP)

- Tim Tebow's tears cure cancer, its too bad Tim Tebow doesn't cry.
John Wall (and the rest of the country) knows better than that...
- Tim Tebow is the real reason the Energizer Bunny keeps running, and running, and running. The Energizer Bunny is trying to catch John Wall. Good luck, my furry friend.
- Tim Tebow walked before he crawled, as John Wall ran.
- After the Gators beat Oklahoma in the championship game, Nike changed their slogan to- "Just do it...like Tim Tebow!" On an unrelated note, Nike has since changed their slogan to "Just do it... like Tiger Woods!"
- Tim Tebow once got Blackjack with one card. That card is known as the John Wall card.
- When you open a can of whoop-ass, Tim Tebow jumps out. Correction: Tim Tebow jumps out of the way, because he knows John Wall is coming.
- Tim Tebow doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.
John Wall just bowls strikes, because he's awesome at bowling and not a cheater.
- Superman is the Tim Tebow of superheroes, while John Wall is the Tim Tebow of college basketball players, just better.
- Tim Tebow doesn't punch in to work. He stiff arms. John Wall has a butler. His name is Tim Tebow.
- Before going on stage for his first theatrical role, Tim Tebow was told, "Break a leg." The entire cast was carted to the hospital minutes later. Tebow was later informed that 'break a leg' is a well-known saying in theatre that explains what John Wall does to his defenders.
- Tim Tebow wrote a book called "The Tim Tebow Experience". Readers opened the book and received a pop-out stiff arm to the face. Meanwhile, John Wall wrote a book called "The John Wall Experience," but no one can read it because nobody can hold him down!
- Tim Tebow' house has no doors, only walls that he walks through. John Wall's house has doors, because he knows that a house with no doors is a stupid idea.

Yellow wristbands are what? (AP)

- Tim Tebow won the Tour de France on a unicycle to prove to Lance Armstrong it wasn't a big deal. He thinks yellow wristbands are gay. John Wall now knows to avoid Tim Tebow at all costs.
- Tim Tebow ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one. Which reminds me: all fast food restaurants in Lexington are now constructing a 'John Wall Dribble-Drive Through'
- When Tebow scores a touchdown it's worth 7 points without the extra point kick, but he always gives one back in the spirit of being a missionary. John Wall thinks he should've used some of those points against Alabama....
- Tim Tebow can get Chick-Fil-A on Sundays, John Wall said it was okay.
- When the boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks the closet for Tim Tebow.
All the boogeyman finds in his closet, however, are old posters of Tim Tebow. He had them replaced with new ones of John Wall.
- The only reason you're still conscious is because Tim Tebow hasn't stiff-armed you in the face. The only reason you can walk is because John Wall hasn't crossed you over and broken both your ankles.
- When Tim Tebow was a kid, he made his mom finish his vegetables. John Wall is nice to his mother.
- Superman's only weakness is kryptonite. Tebow laughs at Superman for even HAVING a weakness.
John Wall has a much better sense of humor than Tim Tebow, because kryptonite is no joke.
- Superman wears Tim Tebow pajamas. Before Tim Tebow goes to bed, he checks John Wall's status on Facebook.
- When Google can't find something, it asks Tim Tebow for help. While Tebow is busy looking for it, Google then asks John Wall for the answer.
- Tim Tebow can dribble a football, John Wall showed him how. Wall is now trying to teach him how to throw one. It's an uphill battle.
- Tim Tebow doesn't wear a watch, HE decides what time it is. Tim Tebow doesn't wear a watch because he knows it's 'John Wall time'.
- When Tim Tebow drives the lights automatically turn green because he can’t be stopped.
John Wall has his own personal driver, and his name is Tim Tebow.
- Police clocked Tim Tebow going 50 in a 25, only they couldn’t ticket him because he was running.
Police clocked John Wall going 75 in a 25, only they couldn't ticket him because they couldn't catch him.
- When Batman is in trouble, he turns on the Tim Tebow signal. By the time Tebow gets dressed in his Robin outfit, John Wall has already saved the day.

Feel free to add some more, share these with your friends, or be like Tim Tebow and follow John Wall on Twitter.