Though the cause of sleep’s extinction has been oft debated between those who blame the scary ShamWow guy and those who insist it was the unstoppable spread of Facebook, sleep’s legacy lives on in memoriam.
Nostalgic for the bygone days of shut-eye, L.A.’s overworked resident zombies take yoga classes where gumbified masters teach them to bend themselves like twist-ties around their enemies, suffocating them with relaxing vibes and producing a melatonin-lit atmosphere for all.
Although this alternative progression of power has been strong, few have ever acquired the arcane secret to true rested bliss.
Instead of bravely venturing into the void that holds mismatched socks, misfit toys, and now, slumber, hoping to recover humanity’s lost ways, most of us aim for energized cups of espresso to save us from the burden of sleep.
Revive the ancient art of non-drug or meditation-induced dormancy by taking up sleep once again.
While difficult at first, in due time you will learn how to go 10 whole minutes without updating on Twitter, and you will slowly unblock damned channels of energy while gaining luminous skin. For when you spend enough time in the land of Nod, cell turnover rate jumps into light speed mode, working eight times faster than normal.
But to become indoctrinated into the endangered species of possessors of Really Great Skin, you must ply your trade carefully.
Like underwater basket weaving or home beer brewing, airbrushed skin requires that fine attention be paid to technique and consistency.
As such, consider the following your Cliffsnotes for how to sabotage wrinkles with the stamina of the Iraqi ground forces, and all while you’re sleeping and not doing a damn thing. I guarantee these tricks will work so fabulously for your complexion you’ll give them your highest Product Rating of five ShamWows!
So set it and forget it, my friends.
1. Wash Your Face
Happy mugs beam for camera lenses and greet the coming of spring with inviting grins and folk songs.
A nice cleanse keeps pores clean and skin blemish-free. And when your profile has had the suds-and-wash treatment, anti-aging creams will penetrate so deeply you’ll swear you’ve just been buffed into beauty by a mini Zamboni.
Cleaning and makeup-removing are crucial to skin luxuriousness and youthfulness, because for every night you do not remove debris from your mug, your face ages seven days.
For face washes that match your skin type, visit my article on the matter here, but as a general guideline, dry skin couples with a creamy cleanser, acne-prone skin won’t erupt with a gel cleanser, and sensitive skin should avoid cleansers with notes of eau de anything.
Out of makeup remover? Squirt some baby shampoo onto a wet washcloth and cover the entire terrain of your face, concentrating on your eye mounds.
2. Hunt Down Wrinkles With a Retinoid
Many things get finer with time: wine, leather bags, Hugh Jackman. Our skin is not one of them.
As the years pass, skin loses collagen, its texture ever increasingly resembling that of an old leather Hermès. Covetable on a designer bag, yes, but not so much on a face.
While derms don’t agree on much in the anti-aging field, they break bread and trade war stories when conversation turns to retinoids, the Big Daddy of wrinkle removers.
Retinoids have been praised across the board as the only proven antidote for fine lines and catastrophic strike-slip faults alike.
Begin your journey to impending beauteousness by subscribing to an OTC version with smaller concentrations of the vitamin A derivative, so your skin acclimates to molting off and flushing like an angry tomato (retinoids shoo away the unwanted dead skin that congregates around an individual’s chin, cheeks and forehead, making way for happy parades of fresh and youthful new skin).
Tamper with retinoids every other night and increase frequency to every night when you’re ready.
Once your face stops revolting, switch to a stronger prescription brand like Renova or Refissa. Any concentration between 0.1% and 0.3% and your skin will run like it’s on VTEC.
Try: Dermadoctor Poetry in Lotion Intensive Retinol 1.0 ($75, Dermadoctor.com).
3. Cut Back on Salt and Alcohol
Long ago, pufferfish were lithe, skinny vertebrates that feasted on crustaceans, mollusks and raw wheat grass smoothies for their daily figure-maintaining bite and sip.
But one ominous day, a hardy six-pack of Budweiser was thrown overboard a drunken fisherman’s trawler, descending straight into their watery lair and initiating a series of impromptu fiestas. With that the puffer was born, endowed with a capacious beer belly and a belch that knocked out enemies from miles away.
If the fate of these once fashionable girls about town is any indication, alcohol does not do the svelte body good.
When you down a few too many Martinis or consume too many potato chips, your skin gets severely dehydrated and holds onto water any way it can.
This means it becomes an H20 pack rat, storing fluids around the eyes and face and giving your features a pudgy pufferfish appearance.
Booze can also prevent you from getting enough sleep if you drink it a few hours before sleepy time. And not getting eight hours of rest increases levels of the stress hormone cortisol, which slows collagen production.
To preserve cheekbones so sharp they could slice cheese, skip alcohol and salty foods as much as propriety will allow. But if you do indulge, stack a few pillows beneath your head that night to avoid fluid accumulation under your eyes.
4. Hydrate With a Mega-Moisturizer
It may be difficult to believe that sleeping has the same effect on your body temperature as turning on Marvin Gaye and letting the night play you and your date as its most stirring fiddle, but derms hold it to be true.
Even though you’re not engaged in the sort of pulse-racing activities that frequently accompany Gaye's soulful melodies, your body increases skin temperature as you sleep as a means of renewal. These naturally higher heat levels allow anti-aging potions to fuse into your skin with more oomph.
Don’t let this hot and bothered state go to waste by applying a skin-coddling cream with superhydrators like hyaluronic acid and glycerin, which attract water into the skin.
More water engenders plumper skin and less wrinkle depth when your fair graciousness awakens at the dawn of morning.
Smear the moisturizer on right after you wash your face so pores can open to new realms of purification and exfoliation, offering palpable hydration.
5. Sleep on a Silk Pillowcase
Look and feel like the Bella Donna you are by laying your noggin’ on a sea of silk. Silk replicates the luxuriations of a high-class spa, pampering visage and mane with the gentlest touch and leaving you with a pleasant minty sensation in your mind.
Not only do silk pillowcases tame hair frizzies and distraught bristles, but because silk is much slicker than cotton, they also prevent wrinkles . If you’re a habitual side sleeper, cotton pillowcases aggravate wrinkles and can form new ones, so silk may be a more benevolent sleeping buddy.
Silk reduces friction between your face and the case, helping you wake up naturally resplendent and with fewer fine lines.
With new smoothocity, you will be able to slide face-first over the ground, cutting your commute time in half.
Try: BeautyZZZ Natural Silk Pillowcase ($47, beautyzzz.com).
How do you strengthen your facial muscles? Do you believe in facial massage like Fuzkittie in the video above, or do you like to go it the non-interventionalist way, maybe using a few creams and serums but not much more? Tell Linda at LindaChang87@gmail.com!