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An Offer I'm Forced to Refuse

Because Life in the Boomer Lane is both an extremely famous blogger and a former hula hoop champion, she gets a lot of offers. Luckily she has not yet received any that invite her to insert herself into her own anatomy. Most are from people who want to promote their writing and/or merchandise. Two have asked LBL to review films. One asked LBL to review feminine urine retention undergarments (LBL wonders where this particular offer was when LBL actually needed it). None of these offers have resulted in monetary gain or an introduction to either Oprah or anyone from the pages of people Magazine.

Last week, LBL received a request that was so thought-provoking that she felt she had to share this with the world (the world being whoever happens to stumble into Life in the Boomer Lane, after getting lost trying to find Gwyneth Paltrow’s blog on conscious uncoupling) A word here: What you are about to read has not been embellished or edited in any way. It is presented to you in its pure form. Only the writer’s name has been changed, so as to avoid a major lawsuit:

Good Afternoon!
My name is Kiki Ford and I am a well known travel expert. I’ve been featured on several news channels and shows such as Tyra Banks and Nate Berkus. I am thrilled to introduce a my new fabulous challenge. I am collaborating with my favorite fashion, beauty and lifestyle bloggers on a project focusing on travel and fashion. I am planning an upcoming getaway with my husband to Miami, Florida I am reaching out to you because I am inspired by your style! I would love to invite you to participate in my exclusive project “KiKi’s Miami Fashion Challenge! ”
The Challenge:
I am planning a trip for my husband and I to Miami, South Florida. We haven’t been able to take a fun romantic getaway in quite a while. I am a mother to three wonderful children and I am excited to get a relaxing romantic escape with my hubby.
I am in desperate need of some up to date fashion guidance! I want to look glamorous yet chic ! I’m inviting you to help me put together a few new looks that will complement my travel plans. My husband and I are spending the week at a spectacular luxurious hotel and I will need an exotic ensemble! :)
If your interested in participating in this challenge let me know right away! I will have you create a fashion board with your top fashion picks. Email me back As soon as you can so I can send you some more details about our stay in South Florida! The contest winers (sic) will receive shout outs on my social media channels :)
https://twitter.com/KikiFord
www.facebook.compagesKiki-Ford-Thurgood-Thurgood-Public-Relations
Warmest Regards,
Kiki Ford
@KiKiFord

Dear Kiki,

Well, now. Where to start? First off, Life in the Boomer Lane is blown away that she is anyone’s favorite fashion, beauty, and lifestyle blogger. If you could magically view LBL blogging through your computer screen, you would see her wearing a festive array of clothing that is no longer suitable to be displayed in public and well beneath the donation standards of the local Goodwill. LBL is sort of speechless that anyone who has comingled auras with the likes of Nate Berkus and Tyra Banks would need LBL’s advice on anything at all, except perhaps an in-depth comparison of several high quality ice cream brands.

Next, LBL has certainly been to “Miami, South Florida,” although she is unaware that Florida has recently been divided into two states. She prefers not to hear about the “spectacular luxurious hotel” that you and your husband are staying at. It is most likely a step up from the Red Roof Inn, LBL’s and Now Husband’s go-to spot for their own fabulous, exotic getaways. Also, as LBL’s stays in Florida (both North and South) have almost always included enjoying life-threatening humidity, she has personally found it difficult to look “glamorous yet chic” (Are they in opposition to each other?) when her head morphs into a huge scary puff-ball. I can see in your profile photo (black tie affair, shining white-toothed smiles) that appeared with your email that you are a tall, thin blond. I can also see that your husband is a stud muffin. I suspect neither of you have ever experienced Puff-ball Head Syndrome. Might I suggest that you call your husband something other than “my hubby?” LBL has actually never heard anyone use that phrase, outside of 1960s sitcoms.

Third, I do hope you don’t take offense, but LBL is a bit mystified that you have become a well-known anything, given your obvious grappling with the English language. LBL will forgive (but not forget) the punctuation errors (know that hyphens are our friend in many cases, but exclamation points and happy faces at the end of paragraphs are not), but she feels that she must call attention to your misuse of the words “your,” and “I” and your general 5th grade writing style.

Alas, much as she lives for shout outs on all public media channels, she will have to pass on this offer. But she wishes you the best of luck in obtaining serious wardrobe advice from the minions.

Warmest Regards,
Life in the Boomer Lane