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An absolutely unsubstantiated and bitter critique of 'Valentine's Day' (which isn't released yet)

Whoever said "don't judge a book by its cover" has obviously never seen commercials for Lopez Tonight or seen Spencer Pratt's face.  Though both of these things are horrible, this does not necessarily mean that Valentine's Day will be as bad.  Let this be clear:  this is not a fair review.  The movie isn't out until February 12, and if the film ends up being great, this reviewer will be honest and will publicly apologize for this unnecessary article.

This isn't even the full cast!
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A more appropriate phrase would be "he who has the money has the power."  Think about what a powerhouse this movie is going to be opening week.  Here's what is known about the movie without having to watch it:  it has a star-studded cast with more than ten very well-known celebrities starring.  The movie is called Valentine's Day which will sell on its name alone, and it will be released two days right before Valentine's Day.  Barring any unforeseen circumstances, this movie will dominate the box office next weekend, unless Avatar director James Cameron somehow finds a way to defy the laws of physics and remake his film in 4-D.

Here's another thing that is evident from the commercials: the plot is never disclosed.  This probably means that there is no real plot since there are so many celebrities.  It will probably be an intermingling of story-lines that center around the theme of "love."  This means that character-development will be lacking.  Also, with such a hokey gimmick of naming the movie Valentine's Day, the movie will just become a schtick to make money for the holidays.  It's Capitalism 101. 

Here's what's frustrating.  Next weekend, 16-year-old girls will argue with each other whether to watch Valentine's Day or Dear John with their boyfriends, while the boys will argue with themselves whether it's time to move on and date a girl who finished 11th grade instead.  Not all romantic-comedies (or chick-flicks) are bad.  Love Actually, (500) Days of Summer, and Enchanted are all very good movies.  But in general, these kinds of movies cater towards young impressionable girls who still believe in true love and fairy tales.  It gives them an unrealistic notion of perfection, both of wanting their current or future boyfriends to be that perfect, and also, having ridiculous standards for themselves to be "that" pretty not knowing most guys don't care about that.

Maybe this movie will be surprisingly poignant like Love Actually was.  But judging on the commercials, it does look like it will be a cornball comedy that will make millions of dollars.  All the commercial shows is celebrities being happy and in love or looking for love to the tune of the musical geniuses that are the Black Eyed Peas (you judge whether or not that was sarcastic).  And then at the end of the commercial, Taylor Swift is being goofy and doing a sexy dance so that all the boys that were about to break up with their girlfriends through text message can put their phones down and realize that this movie won't be so bad.

Prediction: this film will not be completely awful and will be pretty average at best; young girls will eat it up like Twilight and the guys will be checking out Taylor Swift. 

Check back this week for a fair review of Valentine's Day.  The movie comes out on February 12 and some showtimes are being currently listed in your local theaters


  • Robert 5 years ago

    Oh Robert, this is your funniest article yet.

  • sanchez 5 years ago

    First, Gosh dilly wacker! who comments on their own review? lol
    Second, Avatar in 4-D! I'd pay to see that.
    "Not all romantic-comedies (or chick-flicks) are bad. Love Actually, (500) Days of Summer, and Enchanted are all very good movies."
    One more reference to 500 days of summer and i swear i'm going to find summer just so she can be with you and leave you! so you can feel bad about ever hyping up this movie! Wait, what kind of human with testicles likes Enchanted? I know!!!the ones who have periods!
    Fourth, this article might be one of your funniest ever. I'll have to wait for the review on pretty woman.

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