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America's government has a plan for the zombie apocalypse

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It doesn’t hurt to be prepared right? With that in mind, we’re here to let you know that the Department of Defense is totally ready for the zombie apocalypse. CNet reported today that CONP8888, or the Counter-Zombie Dominance plan, has everything all laid out.

And before you try to call our bluff, the plan begins with the words “this plan is not actually designed as a joke.” But after that, feel free to call the bluff. Though the document is official and goes into specific details about purpose, type of zombies to defend against and how to do it, the Department of Defense doesn’t believe even for a second that we’ll need to defend ourselves against zombies.

The document is actually used as a training guide. Instead of using a scenario that involves real places, which could potentially get out of hand—say if masses of people really thought we were under attack from Nigeria— they “elected to use a completely impossible scenario that could never be mistaken as a real plan.” In teaching basic military plans and order development to their students, the guide also wanted to be entertaining and help drive the material home. The document states: “If you suspend reality for a few minutes, this type of training scenario can actually take a very dry, monotonous topic and turn it into something rather enjoyable.” Would you look at that? Zombies bringing joy to the masses.

The basic purpose of the plan is to establish and maintain a defense, eradicate zombie threats to humans and to aid in maintaining law and order as well as maintaining basic services.

And they’ve covered all the bases when it comes to what zombies might enter this world again to take us out. They’ve got Pathogenic Zombies, born of a virus, bacteria or other contagion; Radiation Zombies, created by extreme particle or electromagnetic radiation; the ever popular Evil Magic Zombies, no explanation needed there obviously; Space Zombies, which can either originate from space or can be created by the toxic contamination of Earth from an extra-terrestrial toxin; Weaponized Zombies, which are created by biomechanical engineering for the purpose of being used as weapons, Symbiant-induced Zombies, think “The Walking Dead;” Vegetarian Zombies, which may cause massive deforestation, and Chicken Zombies, the only known type of zombies, resulting when an old hen that can no longer law eggs is incorrectly euthanized using carbon monoxide. Though the hens appear dead upon burial, they come back to life and dig their way out of their graves. The last one, though terrifying, seems to pose no threat to human life. They’ve really thought of it all.

Don’t forget to familiarize yourself with the plan/training guide/ potential life-saver. You never know when the next crazy-impossible crisis might be upon us.

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