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Advice Needed: 'Dear Abiola, Money, My Man or Body?'

Dear Abiola,

Which would you choose, the man or the money?
Photo by Michael Buckner/Getty Images

I used to be a sex worker. I am now 27 and basically the whole time when I was in college was I working as an escort. I figured it would be a fun easy way to make money and pay for school. I like sex, who doesn’t? But I ended up getting pulled into something that was very difficult to get out of. Once you make quick money like that you can’t just go flip burgers, you know what I mean?

Now I’m trying to get into real estate. This is a big way to make lots of cash in my city but it’s slow to start. It’s almost like fighting an addiction to not go back to that life. I ended up cutting off all my friends because they were about that life and now I have nobody to talk to. Even though I am out of it I feel like I’m living a double life.

I’ve been dating this guy for a year. He knows I used to dance but he doesn’t know that dancing led to me doing other things for money. I told him just in case we ever run into any dudes that “know” me when I was a ho. We’re kind of serious now and he even asked me what kind of ring I would want.

He spots me money and there and I had cash saved up but I’m running low. If I had to choose him over making money I’m not really sure what I would do. I love him but he’s not bringing that much to the table.

Sometimes I want to tell him about my past and sometimes I don’t. What should I do?

Happy HOmemaker

My Dearest Queen,

First of all, I completely refuse to refer to you as a “ho” and I wish you wouldn’t do so either. You are a magnificent reflection of the highest force in the Universe.

There are several issues that you need to address immediately. You sound as though you are addicted to your former life. Whether it’s the money, the sex, the attention or all of the above, this addiction needs to be addressed ASAP. This is not for your boyfriend or your relationship. This is for your own mental health.

Gather up whatever savings you have and get into therapy, coaching or spiritual counseling immediately. There is nobility in flipping burgers if that’s what you have to do in order to create a safe and sane life for yourself. It is your right to choose what you want to do with your body but there is no choice when you are talking about compulsive behavior and addiction.

Whenever we don’t love, honor and respect ourselves, it is because there is a self-esteem crisis. This has nothing to do with money. You seem to be putting money above your emotional, mental and spiritual needs. This will create a crisis situation in your life if you don’t address it.

When it comes to your relationship, as you’ve been in the closet about a large part of your life, your boyfriend does not really know you. You are not only robbing him of having an intimate and honest relationship with this dishonest communication but you are robbing yourself. Please be honest with your man immediately. Give him the choice to make decisions about his own life and the partner he chooses to be with. This may or may not be an insignificant blip in your long happy life. The fact that you might choose money over him is something to seriously think about.

Here are your marching orders, gorgeous: get honest, get help, get healthy, get support. Contact Sex Addicts Anonymous. You may also find support at Audacia Ray’s Red Umbrella Project which focuses on empowering sex workers.

I have faith in you, angel. I see you lovely, whole and healed. Love yourself first, worry about men and money second.

Passionately yours,


Passionate Living Coach Abiola Abrams seeks to empower women in all aspects of LOVE: romantic love and relationships, self love and self worth, body love and acceptance. Visit her at her award-winning lifestyle advice blog and web series, The Passionista Playbook at Ask Abiola anything at @AbiolaTV on Twitter and Facebook. Her new book is called "The Sacred Bombshell Handbook of Self-Love."

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