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For lack of a better idea for a new article, I will begin by simply re-writing bits of an e-mail recently delivered to my e-mail by Within said e-mail I have been offered a few tips on how to write more engaging articles and how to garner more attention from various internet search engines. As I am, and probably shall remain, a no good smart aleck punk, I will of course offer my own childish and foolish replies to the aforementioned professional admonitions supplied to me by my technological overlords. I will find this amusing and perhaps you shall as well. I am quite sure the big boss here may not be so endeared by my musings but, alas, that is life and so it goes and here we go ...

Pro Tip #1. Read your work out loud. If it sounds weird and garbled to your ears, the odds are good it will read that way to other people.

What other people? I have three subscribers and two of them are me. Nothing I write sounds weird or garbled to me. So to heck with me. I write only for me anyway.

Pro Tip #2. Academic papers and scientific studies are almost always the safest bets when it comes to the sources you use in your articles.

Like any good reporter, I keep my sources confidential. Besides, most of my facts are entirely made up and no one really wants to know where I get my information anyway. Except maybe the NSA. All other info comes from bartering and trade. Some of it probably illegal.

Pro Tip #3. Use lots of proper nouns, but never twice in the same sentence. That's just bad writing and your reader will notice.

Again, what readers? I've not taken a grammar class for so long that I can't remember what a proper noun is. Is there such a thing as an improper noun? "I say old chum, that display of yours at the cricket match was quite improper. Bad sport indeed, Percy."

Pro Tip #4. Doing a little cursory academic research and including those links are a good way to separate yourself from the crowd. Most sites won't actually take the time to provide pertinent background information, so a solid explanation of the background surrounding certain stories can be really helpful.

Really? This tip was under a heading titled 'Dare To Be Different'. I do dare to be different but that always seems to garner even less attention to my writing. I separate myself from the crowd constantly because I hate people in general. I can be as different as they come but I guess a tad too different for this site.

Pro Tip #5. Adding your opinion doesn't mean writing in first person. Never say, "I think this is true." Just write, "This is true." You don't need to declare your feelings as your own; the audience will make the connection.

'Connection' is a song by the '90's band Elastica. I will always add my opinion to everything and someday someone will pay attention to me and realize I am right about everything. I have no feelings and this is true. I think.

Finally ... use social media correctly. It's incredible how far you can extend an article's reach by posting it on Twitter, Facebook and Google +.

I don't do Twitter or that Google thing. I have 269 'friends' on Facebook and my own page dedicated to me, the writer, poet and all around cool dude. 268 of my FB 'friends' ignore me and everything I write.

The end. Over. Finished. Gone. Done. Out.

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