Addicts have feelings too, don't they?

 The author of the letter is on the left with his future wife, who
  BTW is a jewel, and tried desperately, to no avail,
  in helping him with recovery

Drug addicts are often regarded as devoid of feelings, and heartless individuals due to many of the behaviors they exhibit in the lifestyle of addiction. There are many, many addicts, however, who have hearts larger than life itself, but are caught up in a lifestyle often devoid of such feelings, and emotions.

Addicts often regarded as heartless usually get that way because of their drug addiction. Beneath the exterior resides a pleading voice desperately needing help, and love. Usually unable to help themselves, intervention by others is often necessary.

Here is a letter from a long time heroin user who finally got his life together, but still has a lot of guilt, and shame he deals with on a daily basis. The point being he is dealing with it, and doing so for quite some time. He now tries to help others still suffering in addiction, and those struggling in recovery, as well as those who have been impacted by an addict's life.

The letter he wrote to his family is a testament to the warmth, care, and concern that addicts have locked up inside them, but for the addiction that haunts each cell of their bodies every second, minute, hour, and day that passes. Often the drug abuse lasts several decades, as was the case with the guy pictured here. His letter in reprinted in its entirety.

Yes, the author of the letter is me.

"Dear Mom, Dad and Sis:

Since it is difficult for me to express my feelings  face to face, I did it in this letter. It is the only way that I can convey what I think and feel about you guys without being overwhelmed with guilt, and shame. I'm working on that part of my personality, but when you believe for the better part of your life that you're worthless, and unworthy of concern and love, it's hard to form meaningful relationships, or believe that people even like you. Thinking like this has caused me so much grief, anguish, hopelessness, and loneliness, the tendrils of its reach touch me to this day, lingering like a demented fog straight out of a Stephen King novel.

Mom, dad and sis, please accept my deepest apologies for the pain, anguish, anger, misery, despair, heartache, gloom, and hate that I caused you to feel for so many, many years. The wear, and tear on your souls has taken its toll on me because I realize exactly what I did to you guys.  Whenever I see you look at me, the age-lines on your faces blasts me as if hit by a club. Your ever-present hope-filled eyes are reminders of how many times I turned them into dim, hopeless, vacant-staring orbs year after year as my behavior worsened. Nothing can make up for what I did, and that saddens me immensely, makes me feel so very inadequate, as the guilt, and shame gnaw at me daily.

Shame, and guilt got so bad at times all I wanted to do was destroy myself, and just make the pain go away forever, but I couldn't do it because that would have hurt you even more. And leaving this earth knowing that I hurt you yet again was to unbearable to think about. You didn't deserve that, and I never intentionally tried to hurt you, only myself, and the rotting carcass of my existence.

Mom, Dad, and SIs, I’m so very sorry I made you stay awake nights crying, worrying, and wondering where I was, what I might be doing, and whether I'd ever make it home again. I didn't understand what it was like pacing, the unknown, and sitting around the house waiting for that dreaded phone call informing you the police had found your son in an alley, the victim of an overdose, or apparent murder. I didn’t know what it was like to create a life, nurture it, then watch the one you so deeply loved destroy itself despite countless interventions by you and our relatives. The hopeless, and helpless feelings you endured must have made nightmares seem like vacations in paradise.

I understand that my behavior caused you to open many old psychological wounds because of my repeated failures, and promises of doing good, and becoming a part of the family that so desperately wanted me back again. Those broken promises, and my stealing must have looked like I hated all of you. Mom, Dad, and Sis, I didn’t. I hated myself. I hated myself for what I was feeling, for what I had become, for my beliefs, my thoughts, and what I ended up doing to my life as well as yours. I have been dissatisfied with myself for as long as I can remember, but it was no fault of yours. My abuse of drugs, and eventual addiction contributed significantly to the formation of these beliefs about myself. Starting to abuse drugs when I first became a teen surely altered my development both physically and emotionally. I was running from myself, and didn't know how to stop. God, I couldn't stop it.

Those negative beliefs stuck with me, and I nurtured them, fed them to the point of wanting to destroy myself. When I was in the hospital after the high-speed police chase that culminated in a horrific crash, and the hospital called informing you that I might not make it, must have been anguishing because you knew then that all I wanted was to kill myself for the grief, and pain I caused you, myself, and society. When I actually died in the hospital, and they brought me back, I swore up, down, and sideways drugs would never again turn me into a diseased robot. But I did, and I continued on for another 21 years, too cowardly to just end my life with a bullet to the temple, and too cowardly to face life on it's terms. Being irresponsible, and unaccountable for my actions was part of my addiction. I'm so very, very sorry Mom, Dad, and Sis.

But I have always loved you. It was like peering through a soundproof room with windows where my love couldn't be heard, or felt. But it was because I felt I didn't deserve to be loved. Love hurt me more than hate it seems, and I wanted to fit in so very badly, but something in me just wouldn't let it happen. I didn't know how either. My use of drugs stunted my mental, and emotional growth to the point of turning me against myself.

This has been a nightmare for all of us. Yet, you accepted me in all my dark madness, and time after time you encouraged me, and provided me with all of the essential elements to kick start my life again. I was blind to that as well, until I finally realized that parents don’t do the kinds of things you did for me, and not love them unconditionally, even fiercely.

Your undivided attention was certainly part of the reason for my recovery today. Had no one been there for me while I slowly tightened the noose of addiction around my neck, I’m absolutely sure I would have succeeded in my own destruction. I will never forget that. All of you were there for me, including our relatives. Being the first-born out of the entire family must have made you proud, but I did everything in my power to make you hang your heads in shame, and I am so very sorry for that. I just want you to know that I genuinely love, and care about you, even though I still shy away from expressing my feelings physically, and emotionally.

The narcotics numbed me to the point of total indifference over the years. Those drugs surely reeked havoc on my brain chemistry. Today, I am over that, and I have you to thank for not abandoning me, or else I would not be here writing this letter. I know that in recovery from drugs, in order to stay sober you must want to do so for yourself. It sounds selfish, but that selfish behavior in recovery from drug addiction allows me, and others like me to give of ourselves that which we turned away from over the years, and that is the ability to care about, and love others. 

You remember when you used to give me money , even when you knew the reason I was asking for it was a lie? You were concerned that if you didn’t give it to me, I’d go rip off some unsuspecting person, and you would somehow feel responsible for it. Maybe it was the lesser of two evils, but it doesn’t matter now. I feel bad about those behaviors, and do a lot of apologizing these days, but I’ll never put you in that type of position again. As an addict, the impact I had on you must has been devasting, and I will never cause you to endure that kind of existence again.

You probably saved my life on those occasions when you gave me money against your better judgment, however, because I was very, very desperate to calm the demons within me. There is no telling what I may have done to get some money for heroin had you not intervened at those times. And even though it is called enabling, in this case, you probably saved me from myself, or from getting shot by someone else due to my behavior. Addiction is an awful master, and it near succeeded in destroying all of us. The fact that I can't erase what has happened will dog me for the rest of my days, but remaining clean somehow eases the shame, and guilt.

Thank you mom, and dad for allowing me to start over, and over again after my life crashes Your persistence in saving me outgunned my pursuit of self-destruction. I owe you everything, but most importantly, the one thing I can do for you now is to stay away from drugs. Your peace, and mine are more important.

This letter is my apology, even though it brings up negative memories. I am asking for your forgiveness, and promise you will never suffer the pains of my stupidity again, or worry about which memento I’ll steal fnext to sell for drugs. I was a fool on a mission meant as a one-way ticket to hell, and am very greatful I had you guys, and others to be there for me.
And even though I still find it hard to hug people, I want desperately to feel the closeness, warmth, and caring that type of intimacy carries with it. Those feelings have eluded me my entire life.

For now, this letter is my outstretched arms holding you until forever ceases to exist, and my first baby-steps toward learning how to be the son you never had, and the brother to a sister she never really knew. Without close intimacy in our lives we are nothing more than islands unto ourselves, and I just can't live in that vacuum any longer.  It's a black-hole that sucks the life out of you.

And Mom, please forgive me, I’m am so very sorry for everything that has happened, and I just wanted to tell you that I love you more than anything else in the universe. The last time I went away to treatment you were crying, no weeping, and holding me. I wanted to crawl in a hole and die right then for the pain I was had caused you, but it was then that I knew how much you, dad and sis really loved me. It hurt so much for me to see you cry knowing that I caused it. The tears were literally gushing from my eyes as I entered the vehicle that drove me to drug treatment that day. I will never forget it. Not as a sad moment, but the first day of a new life, filled with a family that loved me to a point of sacrificing themselves on the alter of addiction when you didn't have to.. 

Thank you for being the understanding parents that you are. I am blessed to have been your son. And even though we grew apart over the years, because of my frequent absences, our blood has proven thicker than heroin’s. We have been able get to know each other again, despite my flaws, and I am greatful for that. And each day that passes for me is one step closer in knowing who I am, and how much I do love you guys. 

Mom, Dad, SIs, in my recovery please love me, I’m me. Please respect me now, I’ll earn it. Please hug me now, and I’ll hug you back. Please pat me on the back because we all need nore of it. And please continue to care about me, because I finally care about myself.
The gods must have had a major role in creating you guys because not many mortals would have put up with what you have endured. I love you. 

Your Son"

There isn't much that can be said after a letter like that. Just remember that there are many addicts out there who have families, and are loved as well. Instead of shunning, and vilifying them, we need to focus on treatment, prevention, and earlier education in the schools. With 23 million people sporting a drug problem in America, you can believe many were normal people before getting caught up with the vicious master addiction is. Unfortunately, the master will end up killing many more addicts before they will get the chance to experience love, and care in their lonely lives once again.

If you or a loved one needs help with any type of drug problem, contact these sites depending on where you live. SEMCA (Wayne County residents), CARE (Macomb County residents), PACE (Oakland County residents), Drug Free Detroit (City of Detroit residents).

In the flow...

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*Note: Yesterday, 10-14-09 my Twitter account was maliciously hi-jacked by some kind of phishing scam and started sending out direct messages (DM's) to my followers saying that I was making $300 a day from a marketing scheme. Please be aware that I had nothing to do with those messages, and am not stupid enough to sign up for scams like that, let alone try to run it on someone else. If this caused you any problems, I apologize. But please be assured that you would never receive any DM, Tweet, or email from me offering anything like that. I am in the process of tring to find out who was responsible for compromising my Twitter account. Again, I apologize if this caused you any problems.

Michael Velardo

Addicts have feeling too by Michael Velardo, aka Crash Test Addict is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.