Being accepted for who we really are is probably the most important personal goal in our lives. Most of our lives we are told that we need to be like everyone else, which means different than who we are. It’s insinuated that we aren’t good enough the way we are. We need to change. We need to be smarter, thinner, more attractive, more motivated, more organized – more lovable in some way.
We are dependent on the feedback of others as an evaluation of our self-worth. But this causes confusion because we are different from our evaluators, so we don’t know if they are right about us or not. And of course, they aren’t. But it’s difficult for us to separate our identities from others since those who judge us enjoy having the control.
Many of my Denver clients struggle with self-esteem issues. These issues start when we are children and we depend on the approval of others to decide whether we’re worthy or not. From day one, we allow someone else, an authority of sorts (our parents), to run our lives. Breaking dependency on approval requires giving up these authorities at some age and accepting control of our own lives.
But society teaches us not to do this. We’re taught to “be good,” be obedient; and the more obedient we are, the more we are rewarded. Of course, the more obedient we become, the more difficult it is for us to separate our own identities from others and become self-reliant. As we try to, they will tell us we’re wrong.
Though self-reliance is praised and looked up to in our society, the society itself rewards dependence. That’s why more people end up feigning self-reliance than ever find it.
Our families promote our dependency in that they want to continue to tell us how to run our lives even when we are old enough to decide for ourselves. They fight us when we try to develop our own identities so that we can grow up and move on.
To establish our own identity and actually become self-reliant, we must go against the grain and do the opposite of what we’ve been taught. Instead of being obedient, we must defy authority. Instead of accepting that someone else knows what’s right for us, we must trust ourselves. Instead of either muddling in our emotions or ignoring them, we must feel them, learn from them, and take action because of them.
You must not let anyone tell you what is right for you—not a wife, husband, boss, book or religious group. This will require you to stand up to others who try to push your own ideas and values onto you –and not be concerned about their approval.
The people who will try to wield their authority the most will be your family—the ones that claim to love you the most. They are the ones you’ve been most dependent on and wanted the approval of the most. Though it may seem impossible to believe, your parents will be the people who will hold you back the most. Thought they will say they want you to be successful, independent, and self-reliant, they will do everything in their power to keep you from this—unknowingly of course. But nonetheless, they are the enemy on your path to self-reliance.
How do they do it? Through guilt and perfection. All parents pressure their children to be perfect (instead of human) and to feel guilty when they can’t be. This leaves us with the feeling that we’re not good enough which affects our self-esteem for life. It’s difficult to become self-reliant when you are being told indirectly to doubt yourself.
Most of us are not self-reliant because we’ve never been able to break our parental chains. And it’s not until we are able to do that that we will be in control of our own lives. It’s not until we are able to say, “All your criticisms about me were wrong. And criticizing me was not ‘for my own good,’ it was to help you keep me under your control. I know I’m not perfect, but neither are you, and I don’t want you to ever criticize me about anything again!”
“I’ve always wanted your love and never really felt it. As a child, I always felt you thought I wasn’t good enough because…….. As an adult, I still feel that you treat me as though you think I’m not capable of running my own life and/or like nothing really ever hurts me. This is who I really am and how I really feel and what I really believe. I now want you to accept me as I am, though different from you. And if you can’t, I’ll have to stay away from you.”
This may sound harsh, but until you’re able to say this to your family and mean it, you won’t become self-reliant, you won’t have your own identity, you will remain dependent on someone else’s approval, and it will affect every area of your life. It will keep you from the emotional intimacy you desire since you learn how to relate from your family. You can’t have a relationship with a mate any healthier than the relationship you have with your parents. Cleaning up your family relationships will make you strong enough to be yourself and have an intimate, healthy relationship. Only then will you expect others to accept you as you are – though different from them.
You’ll find more information on this topic in my book, Loving Him Without Losing You.
For more Information, and more free articles on relationships, sign up for the free relationship newsletter at www.carolynsays.com.
Join Carolyn on Facebook | Follow Carolyn on Twitter.
Comments