An adult female victim escapes a toxic relationship. She becomes a survivor who, in due time, finds fresh romance with a new significant other. But somehow, she ends up abusing that innocent new husband or boyfriend (or female lover) through aggression, passive-aggression, belligerence, combativeness, or bullying. And how does it happen? Consider this. It may be that the woman is trying to preempt a negative chain of violent events by taking control and acting out. In short, the woman may become the aggressor she once feared; she may end up embodying all she tried to escape in the previous relationship. And, most likely, the perpetrator is unaware that she has swapped roles.
Sally,* a very attractive blond woman, had endured horrific abuse during her marriage, but managed to escape; she became a survivor. Sally kept herself very physically fit and was health conscious -- other than the fact that she never managed to kick cigarettes, and was self-conscious and defensive about her habit. Eventually, she became romantically involved with an upstanding business man. Mike* was a good man, with ordinary looks -- lonely, twice divorced. When Sally came into his life, he was ecstatic to have the attentions and ministrations of such a classy and gorgeous woman.
But Sally soon showed all the classic symptoms of morbid jealously:
- she had to know where Mike was every minute of every day, who he was with, and what he was doing,
- if she found an unrecognized business card in his possession, Sally made wild accusations and hounded him to no end, demanding to know if he was “seeing” this other person,
- if she heard Mike receiving a phone call in the other room, she would burst in, shrieking and screaming in his face, demanding to know the person’s identity, even forcing him to redial and defend his conversation.
Worst of all, she turned Mike into a smoker. As unbelievable as it sounds, Sally influenced Mike to take up cigarettes, tantamount to showing approval of her habit. A man who had never smoked in his life now smoked over a pack per day. Subconsciously, Mike knew he was being manipulated and victimized, and that it was wrong, but he justified all the drama and hostility; it was worth it because he had a beautiful woman to grace his side, and warm his bed.
If you are recovering abuse victim, please make sure to complete a thorough and comprehensive counseling program including re-education on basic communication skills, and a clear understanding of behavioural cause-and-effect and consequences. No woman wants to become the monster she used to fear.
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*Not their real names
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