There is a saying among many men and women that goes something like, "Women give sex to men in order receive love and attention, and men give women love and attention in order to receive sex." This adage can in no way be considered valid and true for all men and women, but for a percentage of the membership of each gender ... this attitude is very valid.
On the recommendation of a reader of mine, I recently watched a film by Israeli Director Johnathan Gurfinkel entitled S#x Acts (the film, which has English subtitles; is divided into six acts which are mostly about sex, so that is why the # sign is between the "S" and the "x" meaning it could be 'Six Acts' or 'Sex Acts').
The film is excellent in its subtle, but raw realism. Unlike most movies with a similar theme, this film does not go out of its way to overly demonize the male characters who are seemingly 'taking advantage' of a naive, 'innocent victim' female type. On the flip side, the movie also does not try to give you the impression that the young lady is some out-of-control 'sex addict' who just cannot get enough sex (there is another foreign film coming out with the latter storyline, and it is appropriately titled, Nymphomaniac).
The vast majority of women who are very promiscuous with men typically fall into two categories: 1) Those women who just genuinely love having sex regularly with a wide variety of male partners, and 2) those women who do not necessarily have an extremely insatiable libido or an incorrigible desire for multiple sex partners, but rather their issue is that they cannot handle being indefinitely ignored by men; consequently, they turn to providing men with sexual satisfaction as a means of keeping the men motivated to satisfy their desperate, irresistible need (or "fix") for flattering attention from men.
Gili (Actress Sivan Levy), the main character in S#x Acts, is a prime example of a woman in the second category. She has just moved into a new neighborhood, and has transferred from one high school to a new one. Gili does not have many friends, but at the start of the film, she is acquainted with at least two or three guys at her new school. It is obvious that the young lady is bored with her home life (you get the sense that she and her mother do not get along too well, and her father spends most of his time working or sleeping), so she constantly seeks out attention from her male friends and acquaintances.
I do not want to elaborate too much more or give away too many plot 'spoilers,' but let's just say that Gili ends up being 'shared' and/or 'passed around' sexually by a number of the high school male friends involved in the story.
Less than a month ago, I posted a YouTube video on my Facebook page of Actress Leah Remini telling television talk show Host Arsenio Hall about a time in the late 1980s or early 1990s when she and two girlfriends got invited to an after-party at Actor/Comedian Eddie Murphy's house, only to later have Eddie's security personnel kick her and her two friends out of the party. What was their "crime?" They were not down to have sex with Eddie, Arsenio, or their 'crew,' so they got dismissed.
A number of my female Facebook friends were shocked at the gesture. They couldn't believe that a woman would get kicked out of a party simply because she was not down for a one-night stand or weekend fling. I lightheartedly accused many of these same female Facebook friends of being "very naive" about how men are, and how they think. One female friend expressed that she did not realize that the desire for sex was men's primary motivation for wanting to share her company until she was in her mid-thirties.
That tells me one of two things: Either this woman did not interact with many men - or conversely - she interacted with a lot of men who were dishonest and disingenuous with her about their true desires, interests, intentions, and motivations.
After Steve Harvey had his book, Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man published, he said that some women got upset with him because they believed he was attempting to persuade them to behave more like men than women. In his defense, Harvey said that most of his female critics misunderstood his intentions. Harvey was not trying to get women to "act like men," but rather he was trying to encourage women to fully understand the manner in which most men think.
Arguably, the first step to understanding one of the primary differences between how women generally think and how men generally think is related to their desire for flattering attention from the opposite sex. As I point out emphatically in my book, The Possibility of Sex: How Naive and Lustful Men are Manipulated by Women Regularly, it comes down to this:
- Many women love receiving flattering attention from men PERIOD. Regardless of whether it is a man who they are attracted to romantically and/or sexually, or even if it is a guy who they have nothing more than just a purely platonic interest in, many women want flattering attention from men. If nothing else, women love it when men acknowledge their beauty and their sex appeal, and make them feel desirable;
- The vast majority of men could care less about receiving flattering attention from women if that attention is not accompanied with sex. Even the aforementioned Harvey said himself many times, "No man wants to be 'just friends' with a (single) woman who they find attractive or sexy. Even if the man says he's not looking for sex, he is." Rare 'exceptions' aside, I generally agree with him. Purely platonic friendships with (single) members of the opposite sex are not nearly as appealing for the average man as they are for many women.
This is why I loved the harsh realism of the film S#x Acts. The men in this film did not want to be around Gili unless she was going to give them a blowjob, a hand job, or engage in intercourse with them. Otherwise, they did not want anything to do with her.
Some women reading this will probably say, "I would never, ever allow men to disrespect me like that, and treat me like their promiscuous sex toy or personal slut. My level of self-respect and self-esteem is too high for that." Many of the women who express that attitude will be sincere about it, while a few others will really be saying, "I would not go as far as to actually have sex with those guys ... but I would make those men think that the possibility of sex was right around the corner in order to keep them motivated to continue to be my friend and give me the attention I want" (in other words, they would rather be labeled a "c*ck teaser" than a "slut," if given a choice between the two).
I remember once while working in Chicago, I would commute back and forth from Northwest Indiana to Chicago on a train called The South Shore Commuter Line. There was this one woman who would sit next to me quite frequently, and she always would wear very form fitting outfits or very short, tight skirts and dresses. The first few times we sat together, I would usually compliment her various outfits. I would say, "Nice dress" or "That outfit is very sexy." She would smile, we would chat a bit, and then just relax and enjoy the train ride.
Weeks later, once my compliments toward her began to diminish, I noticed a change in her behavior toward me. For example, one evening, we were traveling from Chicago back to Northwest Indiana, and I did not compliment her at all. All I said to her was, "Hey .. how's it going?" Next thing I know, this woman started fidgeting with her hands and legs like CRAZY. Her whole body language had a tone of "I am very agitated right now," but initially, she did not say anything. Then finally, she says, "Well?!?" I responded, "Well ... what?" She glared at me and said, "Aren't you going to say anything about my outfit?? You have not said a word about my outfit!!"
She was not being lighthearted or facetious at all. She was dead serious. It truly bothered her that I had not offered some sort of flattering comment about her outfit. Just to be 'playfully mean,' I made her 'beg' me for a compliment. She literally did. Later on, she ended up confessing what I slowly came to know about many women in general. She said, "I hate to put on make-up, fix my hair, and wear something really cute and sexy and not have a man acknowledge how I am looking. I can't stand that. I remember once, I went to a nightclub, and did not receive one compliment from a guy that particular night, and it ruined my whole night. I went home feeling very, very frustrated. It was hard for me to go to sleep because I was so mad."
Again .... this is a prime example of how men and women are totally different.
I cannot remember one time in my life where a man I knew visited a popular nightclub, and later on, said, "Man Alan, I'm pissed. Not one woman complimented me on my slacks, my shirt, my shoes, my sport coat, or my wristwatch. Not one. This totally ticks me off. That messed up my whole night." 99.9% chance, you would never, ever hear any man utter those words.
As I say in The Possibility of Sex - for men ... "attention + sex" is a "package deal." Men usually want flattering attention from women ONLY if it is going to be accompanied by, or followed up with sex. Flattering attention alone does very little if anything for a man. Even a man with a huge ego.
Speaking of egos ... earlier this year, I interviewed a New York Times book author by the name of Daniel Bergner. In Bergner's best-selling book, What Do Women Want, he briefly talks about how women can often times become egotistically satisfied with flattering attention, and flattering attention alone - unlike men.
In the book, Bergner makes the point that many women get off on simply knowing that a man wants to fu** them. They do not actually have to engage in the act of sex in order to experience satisfaction. In the book, Bergner points out that for many women, "being desired (by men) is the orgasm."
Here would be my takeaways from this article:
1) There is a difference between "wanting" attention or "liking" attention versus being "addicted" to flattering attention. There are many women that cannot go a full week ... or even a full 24 hours ... without receiving some sort of flattering attention from men;
2) If you are a woman, do not assume that men value flattering attention as much as you do. 99% of them do not. For women, "I'll give you attention if you give me attention" seems like a fair, even trade. For the average single heterosexual male, attention without sex means jack;
3) If you want flattering attention from a man who you have no interest in dating or having sex with, make that straightforwardly clear to him. Many women like to string guys along and 'c*ck tease' men, and then turn around and label men "jerks" and "a**holes" when those men start becoming more and more sexually aggressive. Do not invite 'drama' that you cannot diffuse.
If you had one hundred people - let's say sixty women and forty men - watch S#x Acts, I would be willing to bet money that just about all of the women and even a good number of the men would leave the theater with nothing but harsh criticisms of the teenage boys in the film. "Disgusting." "I can't believe how badly they disrespected that young girl." "They treated her like she was some sort of street prostitute." Etc., etc., etc.
My attitude is this: if a man only wants sex from a woman - and he makes that straightforwardly clear to the woman before having sex with her - then I have no criticisms of that man whatsoever. At that point, the woman can reciprocate his sexual desires and interests, or she can reject them. End of story. I only have criticisms of men (whether they are 13 or 63) who lead women on to believe that they want a relationship that involves something much more than just sex, when they know deep-down that all they want to do is exchange orgasms for a few days or a few weeks and then call it quits.
The teenage boys in the film S#x Acts never gave Gili the misleading impression that they wanted more than just sex.
All men - if they are single and heterosexual - want sex from women. If you are one of those self-proclaimed "naive" women, then write that down and repeat it to yourself regularly. Some men want long-term monogamous sex while other men want long-term non-monogamous sex. A few men want short-term monogamous sex while many other men want short-term non-monogamous 'casual' sex. Regardless of the specific type of sex they want, all men want sex from a woman who they find physically attractive and sexually appealing.
Think about it. Think of a guy you know who always makes it straightforwardly clear to women that the #1 thing on his mind is having sex. Does that guy have a lot of problems and 'drama' with women? My prediction would be that he does not. The women he interacts with are either going to reciprocate his desires or reject them.
Similarly, think of a woman you know who always makes it straightforwardly clear to men that she is either down to have sex with that particular guy, or that she is not down. Does that woman have a lot of problems and 'drama' with men? I seriously doubt it. Men love and respect women who are upfront and straightforwardly honest about their sexual desires and interests - or lack therof.
Men who mislead and manipulate women tend to experience many problems with women and drama.
Women who mislead and manipulate men tend to experience many problems with men and drama.
Men who offer 'love' and flattering attention to women in order to get sex ... but subsequently do not get the sex that they hoped for ... end up feeling angry, frustrated and bitter toward women.
Women who offer sex to men in order to receive loving and flattering attention ... but later on realize the guy just wanted to 'hit it and quit it' ... end up feeling angry, frustrated and bitter toward men.
Bottom line, if you are currently having sex with multiple men simply because you want to - more power to you. Own your sexuality. But if you are having sex with multiple men (or worse, giving men the misleading impression that you want to have sex with them when in actuality you do not) primarily for the sake of motivating those men to give you regular doses of flattering attention, you are going to regret it sooner rather than later. Trust me on that.
Ladies ... not sure of a man's true intentions? Wondering if this man truly enjoys being 'just friends' with you and giving you a boat load of flattering attention - or is he really just trying to get in your pants? Be bold and ask him. Anytime a man appears to be bored with your conversation, ask him, "Do you really want me to continue with my story about how my sister's dog got lost ... or would you rather I just shut up and give you a blowjob?"
I think we all know the response to that question.
Alan Roger Currie is the author of a number of books, including Mode One: Let the Women Know What You're REALLY Thinking and Oooooh . . . Say it Again: Mastering the Fine Art of Verbal Seduction and Aural Sex. Currie's latest eBook, The Possibility of Sex: How Naive and Lustful Men are Manipulated by Women Regularly is also available exclusively on Amazon.com in their Kindle format. You can also download a copy of Currie's eBook on your iPhone, Android Smartphone, or other Smartphone.
Upfront & Straightforward with Alan Roger Currie, the most-listened to talk radio podcast program in the category of "Romance" and "Self-Help for Relationships" on the BlogTalkRadio Internet Radio Network, can be heard LIVE every Thursday evening at 10:00pm EST / 7:00pm PST. Visit http://www.blogtalkradio.com/modeone and http://modeone.net for more details