Often, what keeps conflicts going and even escalating is that people tend to stick with their “side” against the other “side” as if to save their lives. But what often actually saves in regard to relationship conflicts or group dynamics full of conflict is more fluidly moving around positions that we can label “My Side,” “Your Side” and the Objective Observer position.
Process Work Conflict Resolution Model
Here is a conflict resolution model originally created by Arnold Mindell, who developed Process Work.
- Figure out which side you’re on right now. Do you find yourself saying something like, “I know I’m being silly….” That’s a clue that you’re probably on the other person’s side, you’re relating to their point of view in the moment. If you’re saying, “The reason I’m doing this is…” or “I think….” or “This is the way it is,” you’re probably on your side.
- Consciously take whatever side you’re on. If you’re on the other person’s side, make that clear: “I can see you’re point,” and then say what the other person’s point is, clearly and directly. If you’re on your side, state your position clearly and directly.
- Help the other person state whatever side they’re on. Maybe you’ll even have to state it for them, “What I think you’re saying is…. Is that right?”
- Then you can both switch sides, taking the opposite one you’ve taken so far. Relating to the opposite side from the one you’ve been taking.
- Sometimes, when things get sticky, the “Objective Observer” position can be useful. Here, you can literally step outside yourselves, look at yourselves from the outside and notice what you see. “It looks like (your name) is really scared and is feeling very small.” Go back to your original “my side” position and show how really scared and small you are. When you, or both of you, show what’s really going on very overtly, it creates what’s called a “feedback loop,” that is, people can then react to what’s going on. When we try to hide what’s going on, people can’t see it and then they can’t react to what’s really going on.
- Keep moving around to the positions, changing every few minutes, until all the information is out there. Often, this clears up the conflict.
For more details, see 'A powerful conflict resolution model,' Organizational Consulting and Relationship Counseling
Comments